[lywasq]

I don't really know where to begin without telling my life story so hopefully I can summarize the background with a few points.

- Single living alone in a condo in DT Toronto (so, expensive)
- Living paycheque to paycheque despite making six figures
- Work in the online marketing/search engine optimization field (10 years experience)

OK hopefully that helps a bit with my problem.

I have always had a hard time holding down a job. Calling in sick a lot. 98% of the time because of anxiety or depression. I get fired for a variety of reasons but usually they strike the day before my probation is over.

I am two months into a 15-month full time contract with a university here in the city. I got this job almost immediately after being fired from my last one. I had reservations about it, but I have no savings and so many bills and debt I had to take it.

I like working at a university. And I love what I do. But I just have SUCH a hard time making it into the office.

Reasons? The commute is brutal (1 hr each way) and even though I LOVE to drive (my car is my sanctuary) constant traffic jams kills me. The open office is also brutal for me. Constantly surrounded by people, noises, smells, florescent lights. It's torture and keeps me in an almost constant state of high anxiety.

So, I thought, ok enough of being a victim - do something. So I researched all about the human rights code and workplace accommodations for people with disabilities.

Because I'm on contract, and not a direct employee of the university, I have to go through the recruitment company that found me. This week, they discussed my requests with the HR person in my department. Here's what I asked for:

- An additional day per week to work from home
- Slightly adjusted hours
- A workspace that offers more privacy and isolation from stimuli

It took HR four days to get back to the recruitment company. All requests denied.

What do I do now? If I was sad, depressed and anxious about going into the office before, now I'm even more demoralized. And it's going to be awkward on Monday, I'm sure. It's already quite clear I have issues given that I'm not very social and keep calling in sick. Oh - and because I'm contract, I don't get paid when I don't work. Sick, vacation, stat holidays, etc.

I don't want to start a new job AGAIN. It gets harder and harder to explain why I've worked in so many places in such a short time span, and then providing good references.

What I want is a break. Some time to work on ME. I have no support (emotionally, financially or otherwise) and I can't keep this up on my own. I would love to be able to lower my standard of living so I could take a lower pressure job, or something part time.

Can anyone offer advice? Or similar experiences?

[mattjstead]

Do you have some family or friends that you could take some time off to think things through ? I had a mental break down at work

Possible trigger:

(actually attempted suicide at work)

and wound up IP. I then decided life isn't worth living that way and luckily my wife made enough and some other family helped with bills and I was able to just take 3-4 months to RECOVER. Just a thought.
If not, do you have anything that could help with the stimuli? Do they allow you to wear headphones ? Get some noise canceling headphones for when you are working.
Don't, I repeat, don't feel "ashamed" or "belittled" going in on Monday. You had every right to request that and if someone has a problem with it, guess what, it's their problem!
Hope this helped and I'll be continuing to think of possible answers.

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[hvert]

Do you have any equity in your condo? I went the 'low income lifestyle, very little work' route. I felt okay doing it because I knew I could always pick up a good paying job if I needed to and my cost of living is very low. Think small house and nearly 20 year old car

Are you working with anyone to address your anxiety?

[lywasq]

I don't own my condo. My parents won't lend me any more money.

I wish I could go back to school. But I'm a rut without a lifeline. Just gotta keep treading until... what? I don't know. Meet a sugar daddy?

[CosmicRose]

Well going back to school = taking out student loans = more debt so honestly that's probably not the best option right now. Don't feel awkward about going into work on Monday, they probably feel more awkward than you do for denying your anxiety accommodations, its not your fault you have anxiety. Since you have ten years of experience, you should keep working at this job and find solace in knowing you'll only be there for 15 months which basically means you're temporary, it means you only have to deal with these people for X amount of time. Meanwhile, you should look for a job that is more permanent and one that specifically has a private office - I know, its kind of hard to know what the office set up is like before you actually work there, but maybe while you're looking for other jobs you can inquire about this. Another alternative, is you can search for jobs that are mostly work at home within your field. Also, stop internalizing what others are thinking about you - that became clear when you said it'll be awkward on Monday - chances are everyone is too busy worrying about themselves to give you much of a thought. Working in an office isn't very personal, working at all, anywhere, isn't very personal. You're only there to do your work and go home, socializing is optional (unless it actually pertains to the project/job you're doing like helping a customer or something) but you don't need to chit-chat and make nice with everyone in the office if it's too stimulating for you. People actually appreciate quiet people. You don't need to be someone you aren't just because you're at work (my mom is a perfect example, she works at a university in an office as well and she's mean, she once made a student cry and my mom has never been fired or even reprimanded, so that tells me they either don't care or...they don't care). So take my advice when I say they don't care (for me this helps with my anxiety, so I hope this helps you). It puts things into perspective. Us perfectionists have a problem with anxiety because we internalize peoples emotions and thoughts and opinions, which can be useful in a lot of areas of life, but often gets in the way of our own.

[Little Lulu]

Do this job 'as is' for a while with the goal of getting your bills paid off and then you will be better positioned to make changes, maybe try something like hvert said ... living a more 'low income lifestyle'. Until you get your debt paid off, it will be difficult to do much maneuvering in the workplace. If you have a plan/goal then doing this job may seem more tolerable.

[unaluna]

I lived that life. Usually if you get your job done and are an ace performer, they let you come in late. They dont like it, but they let contractors do it. But if i had to do it over again, i would get myself some Ambien and go to bed at 10 pm. If not sooner. Also, what is the deal with your parents? Sounds like you need some psychological distance there. And get some exercise.

[lywasq]

I didn't go in today Was up all night worrying. Despite my zopiclone/melatonin combo which works beautifully 99% of the time.

I totally get what you guys are saying about sticking it out. I just don't think I can do it. I can't meet their expectations. Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe. But just knowing I have the option for some flexibility would go a long way... but learning that they're not even willing to do that is incredibly demoralizing you know?

I won't get into my parents here. lol

[Trippin2.0]

How about using something to calm you during your working hours?


I sometimes needed half an ativan to get thru a really intense shift, will probably need one in future , my daughter suffers from terrible exam anxiety (she gets stomach upsets) so I've had to give her "Rescue Drops" that I bought OTC which is a Natural, non addictive remedy.


Idk, quitting doesn't seem to be in your best interest, neither does getting fired, so thought I would make this suggestion if you're not already taking something to help you get some relief.

[CosmicRose]

It's okay to take a personal day off, I'm sure they will understand, don't worry about it. I've had to cancel plans due to my anxiety as well, it happens to the best of us.

I've heard of Ativan, but has anyone tried valium? It used to be the go-to pill for anxiety because it was so effective but I haven't heard much about it for years, I was considering asking my doctor about it specifically just for those anxiety spikes.

[unaluna]

A fellow contractor told me he lived by the precept, "it is easier to get forgiveness than permission." Im surprised you even tried to get accomodations as a contractor. Do you see a therapist? Seriously, you dont have to tell me about your parents - they are probably exactly like mine were/are. Im surprised you havent heard of me - according to them, im the first girl in the history of the world to do the horrible things i did. honestly, i feel your pressure. I used to take 2 - 3 months off between contract jobs just to sleep and decompress.

[lywasq]

Saw my pdoc on Tuesday. She dais two weeks off immediately. Sent the note over via email that night. Fired the next day.

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