idk why i posted this. i just needed to vent a bit.

let me start off with, i'm grateful for my job. people assume that i'm ungrateful so much. before i moved to where i am now, i was unemployed for three years. i worked cam sites and kept disgusting skype sugar daddies just to survive while being simultaneously sexually abused by one of my roommates. the whole experience left me traumatized, completely lacking a sex drive, broke and probably owing a lot of money to the irs. basically i know what it's like to be in dire straits.

but i wake up every day with a pit in my stomach. i spend every weekend waiting for it to swallow me. i. hate. my. job. there's no proper word for how much i hate it.

i'm up at 3am to get anything enjoyably productive done because by the time i get out most days i've been drained of all my energy at best and full fledged breaking down in my car at worst. i work from 7:30 to 4. there's an age gap between me and all of my coworkers of at least 30 years. i'm the baby and they treat me as such. i also represent everything my coworkers hate -- millenials, the data system i manage that they never wanted to use in the first place, "women" (which is really misplaced misogyny since i'm not even a woman) -- and they offload all of their hate on me. i've had to baby step grown men into doing simple things. just getting them to sign something turns into an argument. and every little thing they do enables some fight-or-flight response in me. i have to shut my eyes and tuck my legs under my chair whenever they pass my desk because they'll knock on it as they pass and just thinking about it is making me want to cry. the repetition! it's all repetition! my bosses say the same things to me every day, morning, morning, how are you, fine, good, never seen again unless it's to walk by my desk and knock. and the whistling. i've developed a punching tic over it. i have lumps all over my face from punching myself, slamming my head on the desk, beating myself with my keyboard. and no one notices a thing, even with my desk right out in the open. no one notices. i'm invisible there. and then the same two tasks Every Day, variation twice a year at best. file invoices, scan document. file invoice, scan. file, scan. file, scan. file, scan. file, scan. scan. scan. scan. scan. scan. scan. file file file file file file file. answer the phone and pretend i haven't just been bashing my face in.

i make okay money, somewhere just under $20k a year before taxes, enough to pay all my bills and save a small amount, but not enough to make up for this. i was keeping it for the health benefits, but it barely covers anything. it doesn't cover the only therapist i've been able to connect with, and thankfully he's a decent human being and he's working out a way i can see him for no charge, but i just can't keep doing this anymore. i can't take it anymore. i can't wake up wanting to die every day much longer. i live with my dad which is another layer of pathetic, but i still have to pay half the bills. if i quit and have to take a minimum wage job, i won't be able to save money like i could here. every article i read says if you hate your job it's all your fault and if you quit you're just going to carry that baggage to your next job. am i going to hate every job i have this much? what if at my next job no one will call me by my name? what if my boss is a rapist? or all my coworkers hate me everywhere else because i'm such a repulsive person?

Possible trigger:

i have a suicide pact with myself if i'm still there in june, because it'll be two years since i got the job on june 24th. i promised myself in march. if you'll still stuck in this miserable place after two years, you're too spineless to continue living.

i want someone to just beat me down and call me out for the ****ing useless deadbeat i am. i'm never going to find anything better. it can only get worse. i'm a ****ing loser for not enjoying this. useless. pathetic. nothing. what have i done to be so exhausted? what do i contribute to the world to deserve to feel tired? i do nothing but consume and hate. hate and consume. i just want to die already. it's all my fault i'm not happy. it's all my fault i'm rotten and possessed. i should have just let those daddies from my desperate college days kidnap and rape and torture me, sell me into the sex trade, since that's all i'll ever be good for.

[hvert]

I'm sorry, it really sucks when you have a job you hate that much. It leaves you no energy or capacity to look for something better.

You *won't* hate every job just as much. When you are somewhere toxic, it feels like that, but some jobs are really a lot worse than others, for sure. Sure, we all bring some baggage with us, but a good job is a place where the baggage we bring fits in with the culture. You know from experience that a lot can change in three years. This job sucks, but it's a lot better than where you were. The next job is going to be even better than this one.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I know how you feel. There's no morale where I work. I just try and stay above the negativity. I've been where I'm at 3.5 years so the newness factor isn't there. My boss likes to let us know in a subtle way that she'll be breathing down our backs.

I'm a cashier and work the retail shop as well. Can't I just do my job? It's old already!

I wish you luck in your position! Been there...