Returning to work

Hi this is my first post here. I posted this the the bipolar forum as it's kind of my home but wanting as much feedback as possible.

I have to go back into my old work & ask for my old job back. Ill probably have to redo all the orientation & training.

I feel ashamed & embarrassed to return. I ended up quitting my job just before Christmas last year & telling them I'm going back to uni & doing this & that. Turns out I can't afford the course. So I'm not applying to work in the mental health area like I said I would. I'm too scared to push myself & go to another area (med/surg wards), I barely coped with the transition into the ED when I started in May last year, I don't plan on redoing that experience ever again. So I feel like at least I know this role & the people now, it's not as big of a leap to go back.

I haven't really sorted out my head like I thought I would so I can't return in full health with pride. I have to go back & beg for considerations so I don't have to do night duty or all afternoon/evening shifts. New pdoc will not fill out medical exemption form for night duties as he feels anxiety may be more to blame than bipolar, I quote "I do not see a clear cut bipolar disorder here." I feel that he needs to get his head out of his *** & move beyond only dx obvious BP1. I need to go back to see my old pdoc who originally dx me when I go home to visit soon.

I just don't know how to approach my manager who so far has been supportive but not with rostering. The roster is the main issue. Also I haven't been the ideal staff member & I'm not the most reliable so I don't get given many provisions. I'm not even sure if I will get my job back. & I have a mortgage to pay & no chance of obtaining disability payments in Aus. So my partner foots all the bills & is becoming less patient.

I don't even know how to explain this whole mess of confusion to her. I'm sure they will recognise how all over the place I am once I try to explain myself. & I always end up in tears.

This is a difficult situation, and I really give you points for asking for your job back despite your fears and worries. You are doing what you have to do, and that takes a lot of grit and honor.

Lots of people have setbacks, things don't always work out. This isn't new, and it's not shameful.

It sounds like you might need some time to get your strength back, and then perhaps you might be ready to look around for something else, other solutions...

I hope you will post and say how things went/are going.

I think it is mature of you to realize changing careers might be too much right now, based on your past experiences.

On the doctor issue, I also have had some that state anxiety is primary and BP secondary which is irritating. Inevitably they downplay BP needs, accommodations, etc. But then the flip side is that they don't put you under a microscope and have the psych ward on speed dial or subject you to a sudden police wellness check because you took half a day to return their call...

So I've learned to grit my teeth when I describe a hallucination and the pdoc just looks blankly at me (young looking female, hypochondriac = formula for being unheard by doctors in general), if I want to maintain the relationship because my med combo is working.

Holisticgal the problem with my pdoc not recognising bipolar as a major player is problematic because he thinks things like higher dose ssri's are a great anxiety solution. So he puts me on them without a stabiliser & I go batty & have minimal anxiety improvement anyway.

That is unacceptable. I had one like that and he aggravated my BP 10x worse than ever (antidepressants, stimulants).

I do my own research as far as meds through med journals and even these boards and I'm lucky in that if I mention a med, my current doctor is open to prescribing it but she'll be quicker to prescribe a benzo than a mood stabilizer which irritates me. Although klonopin CAN act as mood stabilizer in conjunction with more standard ones in that it has anti-convulsant properties.

But back to you, I suggest you not walk but RUN AWAY FROM YOUR CURRENT DOC.

Yeh I know I will either see my old pdoc back home when I go visit, or request a different referral. I don't particularly want to fight against him anymore.