Tomorrow I see if I stay or go

I feel like a damn faker by writing this and it seems I can't stop insulting me this day.

So anyway, I'm starting in the workforce (at my 28-29 years of age, gods I feel sick) and right now besides my teaching job the Saturday I got a, well we call it here practices professionals, but it's pretty much an intern workload. 5 hours a day and 3 dollars for bus and a little something to eat in exchange to be trained in human resources which I want to work as an auxiliary/assistant but I lack the experience.

I.. made a lot of mistakes.

Anyway, the deal was that I would use my experience in my university as an administrative assistant to help them with their archives at the beginning and they would accept me and start teaching me about the work and maybe even, perhaps, find a job in the hospital.

Two weeks later, I'm still not getting any training. You see, they have like 8 boxes of just folders and archives in a mess about birth packets, surgeries and what not. I change the folders, rename them, order them in the alphabetic folder, put then in easy to find bunches and debug those who were more than 3 years old. Then I helped in the outpatient department with new entries that had to be captured and ordered, along with debuggin the M boxes (find them or write them in the excel archives, separate them and put in different boxes the files that were from 2013 and lower]). I also had to go find patients files, move boxes, get them up and down and since it's a small (6x3meters) basement I normally ended covered in dust and sweat.

I understood that I have to start from the lower of the lower but I was not learning anything. I was doing work that a man with only middle school could do and while (and they told me) was doing it very well and fast, I felt like I was being taken as a fool and cheap labor.

I talked to my boss about it and that the deal was not this. Very calmly we discussed and we said: 1 month I work as an auxiliary like this and the next two months it will be 3 days with him with my training and 2 days with administration and after that full with him.

It took me 10 years, so much money, sweat and tears to finish my college and while it's easy, I feel like garbage by doing this work for free but I said, we all start low and this is a sacrifice for my future.

Today the month was up and I worked with my all. I finished 18 boxes and around 2000 files, debuged, captured, sorted them all, got up and down with boxes and I think I had managed to get well with the rest of my coworkers, tomorrow I will decide if I stay or go.

I talked today with him (he has been very friendly... to friendly to the point that I think I felt for the first time why women get so uncomfortable with "positive" attention) and while not saying it, I told him I was ready to work tomorrow in human resources and what I would do first thing in the morning and he was like confused or evasive I think?, and that he would talk with the doctor in chief about the change and so on, it was like half and hour and I didn't feel confident. I feel like he didn't want me to change or something. I can't describe it ](as it's obvious in this massive post)

So talking with my mother about it, I decided that if tomorrow they don't start training me, that's it. I'm gone. If they are going to lie to me about this, they are just using me. It's not my job to make their life easier. To work because I feel blessed because I have work (or as my psychiatrist told me this tuesday, It's not really work at all). We made a deal and I had put my part of the bargain upfront.

And I feel sick with worry.

One year. It nearly took me one year to get a job as an intern in this and to simply go because of it mades me feel like a coward and a blaberring baby. Like I can't take working hard or know what is suffering while so many others work like me and don't have the cushion of my mothers support.

Other part of me is terrified that I only wasted my time and I won't even get a recommendation letter. That I took the wrong decission and threw away who knows how many opportunites. That if this took me so long, what would I do later? How can I abandon any work with how terrible the situation is? I feel bad and used, but isn't that what work in the beginning is supposed to be like?

Even if they tell me "we start monday" I'm of a mind of saying "okay, see you monday" and simply leave. But what is they fired me for that? What if I throw a great opportunity to get training, to get knowledge (is what bring me to the job in the interview) that was promised I could only get with extremely expensive courses for free while fattening my curriculum.

I feel so anxious. And unworthy. And confused. And terrified. I don't know if I'm doing what is right or if I even should fear so much for what it is simply not even a freaking job at all.

I know that I'm not going to get any response today and when I read them I would already take my decision. That I'm being negative and catastrophizing and crying for the future and how unfair is that I can't know what I should do but I just felt that I needed to let it out. To say it. To put it into words.

I don't know. I don't know.

So what happened? I know it seems like a do or die situation. It truly isn't. It will work out.

No need to worry - see how it works out. You have held down the job for a month and that is good.

If they don't progess you in the next few weeks you will have a valid reason to start looking for another position.

No need to quit until you found something else surely.

Do you have regular meetings with your boss? Can you ask for feedback? Do they have any misgivings about you? Might as well find out, though of course you risk not liking what you hear.

It is good for HR people to do a little menial work - gives them insight into how most of the workforce lives. Watch, listen, learn, move on if something better comes up.

Okay, well, see. The entire reason for the work, the entire job was for training. I literally get paid nothing (2.77 for 5 hours and 1.50 goes for bus passage) to be trained in RH. All I have done can't be put in my resume, can't help me to find a job nor gave me antyhing. I had to fight for the 2.77 because they wanted me to pay for myself because I was an intern.

Yes, I thought the same. A person in RH must know physical labor and I should hold on... but is not a job. I have literally wasted my time doing something that helped me nothing.

Sorry, sorry. It's my bad. It just read it as if I was being a quitter and hurt me.

So coming to the job I got, in a flowery note, that they truly wanted me in RH, that the boss-boss saw that my abilities were being wasted and RH needed a lot of help... but you see, they have this new archives and they need to find a person to work full time to do it. So they told me that I should stay in the post around a week or more until they can find a student or a person with unfinished college to get the post, but that they didn't want to pay the person, just like I'm doing it. They want a free intern or something, it sounded bizarre.

They took around 1 month to hire me. How long do you think they would take to get another person? We are at the end of the semester, no student is available and those who would not take this kind of job unless it was the very last choice. If I had done this thing for my social service I would have failed my class and I'm not exaggerating, I saw something similar happened to a classmate.

So I told them: With all due respect, I have shown that I'm a responsible, hardworking, diligent worker and the first deal was that I would be working one week; then you changed it to one month, then you are telling me that until further notice I would keep doing files until you could find a replacement for full time who would not take salary and I'm sorry, but no. I'm not moving from this point. I can maybe do 3 days in RH and 2 in archives but I must put a line.

My boss comisserated with me and that we would talk to the owner, but he was busy all day and I waited until 2:45, nearly an hour after my turn, but he was never not busy. So he will call me this night to see what he would say about my offer or that he only want me for files and if so, I will go.

I'm sorry if I look like a prepotent douche, but I truly put everything to get my training. I'm making nothing and I have done the work that, according to my coworkers, could have taken two people to do in 2 months and I can't even say I would get a recommendation letter. Nothing I have studied or wanted to work have been done this month and if they are going to keep chaning the deal over and over again.

How can I trust them?

So I'm staying. They accepted my request and now I'm going to get my training starting on monday. Writing this there is a part of me that fear that I'm being dupped and in monday I'm going to find that they are giving me the same work for no discernable reason than to hurt me, but this I believe is my anxiety and my mentality of "always prepare for the worse, if something good happens, then something bad MUST be about to occur" that I'm changing with the help of my therapist.

I feel... good. Even if it's not a true job, even if I'm not earning money, I... guess I'm afraid of losing any kind of work related situation and I feel safe because I know the place I guess? That I can learn and try for something better? That I didn't made the wrong choice? It's bizarre but I'm happy that I can finally start my training and become better worker with each day.