[Pandoren]

I left education ten years ago. The main reason I went to college (for the benefit of different nationalities, I took a couple of qualifications after the end of compulsory education but didn't go to university for a degree) was to avoid the whole issue of getting a job, which filled me with intense anxiety. I've suffered from depression since about the age of 11 and when I was 24 I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's, which is a diagnosis that has never entirely sat right with me but might well partially explain my aversion to being around other people. After I left education I sank- I spent eight years more or less in my own protective bubble, spending most of my time in my bedroom taking existence a day at a time. I did therapy and stuff, but nothing helped. I eventually started doing volunteer work, which I thought would give me practical experience in my field, get me doing something similar to work and present me with opportunities. Two years ago I got my first job at one of those places- what seemed like a good thing quickly turned sour when I realised I'd been stitched up. To cut a long and traumatic story short, the manager (the founder) turned out to be a self-serving, dramatic, deluded [insert epithet here] of a woman and after I got dumped with a workload far exceeding my paid hours working under a woman who infuriated me on a regular basis I wanted to leave again, but aside from some stubbornness the biggest reason I stayed was because I knew nobody else would want me. I ended up being good at that job- when (after a whole lot of explosive drama I won't get into) I finally snapped and handed in my notice, she had the gall to act surprised and upset that I was leaving and wanted me to stay. I didn't.

So now I'm unemployed again and sinking back into depression. I can't get to sleep at night because the second I close my eyes I feel worthless and pathetic. I'm painfully aware that I'm still very under qualified in my field and the two years of hell I went through actually mean very little. I've wasted ten years of my life and I know I'm going to waste more. The older I've got the less tolerant I've got of other people and the trauma of my job has practically put me off the field of work I've been in so now I feel completely lost.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Pandoren: I'm sorry you are struggling. I have some experience with depression & anxiety. I'm an older person now & I lead a pretty-much completely solitary lifestyle. I avoid having anything to do with anyone, in real life. I'm fortunate though that, since I am an older person, I no longer need to have anything to do with anyone in real life. I'm well past the point where whether or not I'm wasting my life is of any consequence.

Anyway, I would simply like to send some hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find a path through your present despair. My best wishes to you...

[rechu]

Two years ago I got my first job at one of those places- what seemed like a good thing quickly turned sour when I realised I'd been stitched up. To cut a long and traumatic story short, the manager (the founder) turned out to be a self-serving, dramatic, deluded [insert epithet here] of a woman and after I got dumped with a workload far exceeding my paid hours working under a woman who infuriated me on a regular basis I wanted to leave again, but aside from some stubbornness the biggest reason I stayed was because I knew nobody else would want me. I ended up being good at that job- when (after a whole lot of explosive drama I won't get into) I finally snapped and handed in my notice, she had the gall to act surprised and upset that I was leaving and wanted me to stay. I didn't.

I could have written that paragraph myself, except that the company founder/my boss was male. He didn't understand that when I quit my job in April, it was because he mistreated me and others and dumped a lot of extra work on me for the same salary. When I started to set boundaries because he tried to load me with even more work (still no raise), he completely snapped and made a scene in a café. He sees me as a traitor, when if he'd only treated me better I would likely still be there.

I probably stayed longer than I should have too, but it had taken me a long time to find that job. I was worried if I quit I wouldn't find anything else, especially since the economy here is not good.

First of all, I would say, try not to be hard on yourself. You were taking care of your best interest, protecting yourself from the stress of being overworked, mistreated and underpaid. Staying in that situation can ruin your mental, emotional and physical health quite quickly.

Like you, I was pretty traumatized by the whole situation for a while. In my case I've had a lot of jobs, but never one that was that bad as far as how I was treated. I would come home from meetings in tears regularly. Basically he had to tear down at least one person in every meeting, I think he did it to control people and make us fear losing our job.

I have been back at the job search now for several months. Unfortunately the economy is crap, and it hasn't gone so well. I've gotten some short-term freelance work, but nothing permanent. Still, I am doing my best to stick with it and have faith that something will work out. That's really all you can do. Sending lots of hugs and strength your way.

[Pandoren]

Thanks both