Lost my job + triggering manager

Hi, I'm almost 23, a girl, and I'm currently in a huge grief. I suffer from several illnesses, including NCAH (and PCOS as a result along with endometriosis), thyroid hormone resistance, severe vit D deficiency due to NCAH also and some comorbid problems. It started when I was around seven and hunts me forever since due to various, non linear symptoms and being physically different due to masculinization. I also have ADHD traits and all the anxiety caused by leading a life without feeling of control. I also have NVLD symptoms. Despite all of that, I'm pretty physically slim and attractive right now and I certainly don't look ill.

I started this job almost two years ago and it was a very stressful enviroment. 2 hours one way to get there (there is a strong lack of work opportunities in my area, I live in Europe). Physically demanding, a huge place with bright lights, loads of people and I'm very socially cautious. Despite shyness, I also have many specific personality traits due to brain masculinization, such as need for dominance, I have a rough physical features, I'm also very verbally intelligent and that is not always acceptable. But I'm also protective and this is what often kills me.

I worked in the lowest position at first, doing menial stuff, very boring. At first I was pretty isolated and wasn't joining others. But I had this wonderful, empathetic supervisor who himself struggled with anxiety, shyness and ADHD like traits. And he motivated me to join people, so I quickly became pretty popular among them, started studying communication stuff, body language etc. I also had big qualification despite having no higher education. He always listened to me, offered advice, was very kind. Higher managament also seemed pretty interested in me as a worker etc. They did everything they could for me and I quickly got a promotion to a lower management. Even though my boss was sitting with me and talking me through a panic attack before interviews. I knew what he wants and how his brain works and what he needs.

And there was this other manager who everyone feared, a little tyrant who somehow managed to control even his supervisors and always behaved in a very dominating, fear inducing way. He laughed at people, mocked them. He kept creating his own rules. He even mocked his own managers. A very insecure persona in need to control everything. He kept making decisions for other managers about their people. He started talks with them with "I have been watching you...". I remember him rolling his eyes at me, approaching me and telling me to "not stress" with tension. My friend refused promotion because of him, and everyone was complaining about him, even though not oficially. What's more, he was the worst one in the means of knowledge about what to do and how to do it and needed others to do stuff for him. And after my promotion I was supposed to work for him now.

He was nice when he offered me it. Then, he sat once and told me "You're under me now, so you better start getting used to it". And I started at him with silence. "Woah, I don't see you smiling". "Well, I think we'll go along somehow" i said. "I don't think so", his reply was.

And I went for a long sick leave after that, especially that my symptoms worsened due to rising stress. People were telling me that I should really think about accepting this promotion. But also, that he was the only one who could easily push me higher. The money I was making was already high for my age. And after around a month, I came back. And he approached me and said he knows what I was thinking, that I won't get the promotion since I was sick, but it's not a problem, I can get as much sick leave as I want (it was actually comfortable for him, since he doesn't really want to have anything to do with supervisors under him). And then he became his usual self: ignorant, neglecting. His manager brought me my contract because he forgot it. Other people under other managers were trained, supported. And he didn't even get me my new work clothing I should have get until this day even though I kept asking me. The new position was extremely demanding both physically and mentally but I was really good with my people. I just have authority problems. This man has triggered something in me, I never trusted him. I worked with other managers and he kept ignoring me just as he does with everyone but also was very needy. What's more, he kept constantly give us wrong information and at one point it almost made me to cause problem to another woman who already was so put down by him she wanted to leave. So I reported him to this one higher manager, the one who wasn't actually scared of him as the second one. Told about how people fear him, what he said to me. A little bit has changed, but his behaviour quickly came back to normal. I somehow felt like other bosses are waiting for me to report him again, but maybe I was the one to be fired,who knows. What I saw in his body language was always a disgust with me and a need to compete (i knew things he didn't). My conditions began to worse and I went to the hospital and after that I came straight to work and I was still depressed about one official diagnosis and very anxious. and I had to take a very difficult shift, my body didn't make it, I was confused and felt terrible. And then I just didn't go to work, I wrote a stupid message where I wrote about something told me about one procedure (which was actually right but the way he said it, I didn't believe it was okay "JUST DON'T TELL OTHERS ABOUT IT, talk only with me!" made it sound fake") and that I'm not covering missed shifts with anything and that I'm leaving. And he wasn't trying to stop me of course, so I was asked to sign the two weeks notice. I blocked this procedure with sick leave for half a year ( i know people from US may not get what I'm talking about).

What I regret is that instead of tackle the right issue of not being able to work under him, I made it about something different. And my next job will probably be much much tougher because it was the only one without constant night shifts and only 8 hours. And I surely won't get to managament without higher education there. It's also me not being able to take discomfort, including my illness. Perhaps if the decision was for a higher management, I could sort this out, but it is him that makes the decision.

So...I won't pretend that i understand all of your post. There are clearly some things that are specific to your region and the kind of work that you do. But there is something I can say, and that is that I understand making a bad decision to work for someone whom you know is abusive.

It seems like you knew he wasn't a good manager or a nice person to work for, but you wanted a promotion, so you took it anyways. The lesson here is that a promotion or job isn't always worth it if the person you work for makes you miserable. Now there are levels of bad managers and misery at work. We all experience it at one point or another. All you can do now is be aware when you interview for your next job and try to get a feel for who the supervisor is and if you feel like it wouldn't be a good working relationship, then maybe that's not the right job for you.

I know it isn't always possible to pass on a job opportunity because we have to work to live. I've been there too. In fact, I'm taking on a client soon that I know will be demanding, but I also know it will be worth it. So I'm just preparing myself for how I will handle them and their high maintenance personality.

Good luck as you look for a new job.

Seesaw

I'm still officialy employed, because you cannot fire someone who is on sick leave.
But I seem to have a complete social anxiety flare up, I just sit at home, completely paralized with it. It's like this guy has triggered something in me, like his behaviour (even though it was motivated by fear because he clearly feels threatened by me and is generally a person who is very defensive and afraid of rejection and doesn't go along well with anybody so tries to force it) was a confirmation of all my irrational fears (that people hate me and laugh at me, that I'm difficult to deal with etc). It's always like this, when I work with people. I keep going, keep going and then - after about a year or so - it just seems too much. It was better with the previous manager because he was experiencing what I go through as well and I knew it and he was very nurturing and honest towards me. I felt safe working under him.
Another problem is that, well, I am a difficult person to deal with. I mean, my communication style, the way I think and behave, my intelligence- it differs a bit from others. I know that people see me as this painfully ambitious, attractive, intimidating person. I was told that many times, especially by some men that feel attracted to me. I'm certainly a person who stands out. I've heard that this manager feels threatened by me and my skills and what he was saying just confirms that. The point is, I do not want to intimidate anyone. For months I've been trying to be as soft as possible, even though it's hard when you look the way I do, with my harsh voice and "predator gaze" (people say the way I look is like I've been piercing through their soul). Many people were comfortable working with me, especially when I was training or helping them (I'm the best when it comes to dealing with someone who, for example, gets sick etc, because I'm very gentle then), but there are also many who haven't interacted with me so much and feel stressed out by me, like I have this air of dominance. I really feel like a bad person because of this. I even have an acute stress reaction written on my sick leave bc this thing with my health and the situation just makes me feel out of control. I have issues with functioning without someone who offers me positive feedback and comforts me that I'm doing fine.

You are experiencing something called Workplace Mobbing or Workplace Intimidation. Unfortunately, if this guy's managers don't think he is a problem then your only solution is to find a new job.

Read more about Workplace Mobbing here.

Perhaps yes. But I'm still ashamed of acting so ridicolously, like writing some dramatic message and leaving for a sick leave. But I happen to get really emotional when I'm exhausted and my blood sugar levels are getting crazy and my health isn't okay. I have this tendency to shut off, run away and avoid stuff. And the communication at this company is awful. The guy was suppossed to contact me and explain stuff especially when I was absent but he didn't. Others would do that bc I was working for other people. The biggest problem with corporate enviroment is that you never know what's going on. He told me to go to HR and get a two weeks notice and then the HR is constantly calling me to see how long my sick leave will take and when I'm "coming back" like they don't know what happened on the floor. They put a job advert for my position. The other worker who was under him also left for a long sick leave and we're both blocking these vacancies. So I don't really know if they are asking me to come back or they have someone else and want me to quit, because there is no damn open communication anymore. My sick leave is ending soon and I have to make a decision on what to do. What's more irrational is that the higher managament doesn't want to get involved in lower management's decisions and they never know what's going on either.