Job rejections, a toxic work environment and lowered self esteem

Each day in my current job is just downright PAINFUL.

I pleaded our case to get my CEO to "buy into" purchasing a tool for my team - it didn't work, and so now I have to do this work manually, which is really inefficient and ineffective, in the end.

I told a more senior level manager on my team that he will need to take the reigns on this with the CEO.

Then, when I asked our IT support person to set up certain mailboxes for me in my email so that I can do this work manually and fulfill the remainder of my job responsibilities, she pushed back on me, then went above me to my boss about it (the VP).

So I told the VP I am getting frustrated by all the hurdles and obstacles in the way of my doing my job. He told the IT support person to push the project through for me.

I have 7 days of work left there. I wish it was 1 day. I wish today were my last day. I am just SO DONE with this place and their backwards way of running things.

WOW - once again, I am floored and stunned by how immature and unprofessional my CEO is - how should I sill be surprised? I shouldn't be so, given his past behaviors, but I am STUNNED.

So, yesterday late in the day, somewhat on a whim, I decided to reach out to my CEO. I wrote something along the lines of "I found this old photo of my team, and I want you to know that I will miss this place and everyone here. I also want to apologize for being short in my resignation letter. They gave me the offer late Fri afternoon, they wanted me to start ASAP and in two weeks, so I had to give my notice quickly. I realized after the fact that my letter to you was a bit short, so I do apologize."

And what did I receive in reply?

He tells me "you have no clue what this position could look like in the future, and you have no clue what leadership would have been put in place. You went to that other company before for monetary reasons, and you hated it. And now you're going for another position for money. You told me when you came back on board with us that you wanted to be with us for a long time. Wish we could have talked before you decided to quit. It is what it is though."

Something along those lines. I felt attacked, criticized, misjudged and completely misunderstood after that.

So, I wrote back and defended myself. I told him many things, including the fact that I had worked very hard in his company for nearly 3 years. That I've had 4 different bosses, and that role has been a revolving door - how my team has been overhauled 3 different times, and how the turnover within my department got to me finally and made me very discouraged. I said that when I came back on board, I was very hopeful and did want to stay a long time. But then my new boss left, then two team members left, then a third team member left, then we got that mean biotch of a boss for 2-3 months, life was miserable, and that after all of that, I decided I should look around - the turnover and the lack of learning became problematic for me. Then this opportunity came up, with more money, attractive responsibilities and a steady and strong leadership team, and I couldn't pass itup.

I ended by telling him, so, I do mean it when I say I will miss people here. And, I have grown here and appreciate the opportunities I've been given.

He did not reply to that last response of mine, but he gave it a "like".

What do people make of all of that? I know I didn't need to defend myself, but I felt attacked and it put me on the defensive. So, I felt the need and desire to defend myself, even though I see that he's the one who went on the attack.

I'm just soo taken aback by his lack of maturity in the matter and by how manipulative he really is.

I wish that instead of getting defensive of my position, that I could have just validated his feelings better - like, why couldn't I have said, "I understand how you feel. I am disappointed myself and had hoped this would have worked out better".

Something like that????

Did I just make things worse by the way that I then reacted to HIM?

He must have selective memory. You were let go from his company. You were unemployed for pretty long time after that. You then found a job. That job didn’t work out. Then they offered you job at this company again.

He made it sound that you quit the first time to pursue better pay. That’s just not what happened. I’d probably write to him that you never left to pursue more money. You were fired (laid off or whatever they called it) and you had no job, you took a job somewhere else because you had to have a job!

What happened then is not even remotely what’s happening now. He is an idiot.

He might be theoretically right that you don’t know how that other company will work out. But one never knows how jobs would work out. There’s no reason for him to repeat some trivial common sense. Every time people switch jobs, they take risks. So what. He is a weirdo.

Very true. He does act as though he's forgotten that he also laid me off at one point, which hurt me and which caused me to be unemployed for 6 months. Then yeah, I didn't take the next job for money, I took it because I had to and it was a job offer. And yeah, it happened to have more money involved. He makes everything about money, when it hasn't been.

And, I still haven't forgiven him for telling me "you have no confidence in yourself, in me or in anyone in this company." How hurtful is that to say to someone whom you supposedly care about? He claims that we've had a "friendship", so is that how you treat your so-called friend? Through hurtful words? And as an employer, how damaging can that be to someone who is very sensitive and who takes many things said to heart? Especially harsh criticisms? That was really harsh, and I feel he's being once again, harsh with me. I feel like I am dealing with a punitive father figure in a way since he's older and is in a position of authority over me. But really, he's only 5 years older than me - not much. But his position of power is far greater. He has the power to fire me.

Anyways, I haven't forgiven him, and this latest spew of poison from him? I have to let it fall off my shoulders and slide off of me..... I don't want his dark negativity tainting me for my next job. I have too much at stake and I want this next job to work out well. I want to feel positive going into it.

I didn't mean to write so much in reply, but there's so much pouring out of me right now over this because I'm still so angry and bitter about his responses. I have to let it go and swim in my victory and sense of achievement in finally landing a job.

This feels just like leaving a toxic person within a toxic relationship. Exactly the same.

I’m trying to detoxify my emotions and thoughts but it’s challenging. Just like a toxic person does, my CEO has me questioning my own reality and feelings. He flipped the tables on me and made false accusations at me because I had confronted him with the truth. Just like a toxic person deflects, he deflects and then attacks. What a sick man, is what I should be thinking. .

As with other toxic people, perhaps minimizing interactions (oral and written) with them is a good way to go?

Yeah, I think that's the way to go - it's pretty sad, really, that he cannot behave like a mature adult.

I guess I take some solace in the fact that I am not the only one. The CEO had told a prior colleague of mine that she is a "traitor" when she left for another company after moving out of state. He reacted very poorly to my current colleague leaving as well, and gave her the same BS about having a "vision in his head of a position" for her. This is the same as what he told me a week ago.

What I now worry about is we are supposed to have our company-wide meeting on Thursday, which I would have to attend. I don't want to deal with it whatsoever, because in this meeting, I think the CEO would say something about my leaving to the whole company. We've already had a team goodbye lunch via Zoom. What more can people really say? Not much. I pray that he cancels this meeting, which happens fairly often.

And.... I need to take heed to my own words of wisdom and advice on here. I tried to give as many positives as possible to my CEO when I gave my notice, coupled with some honest feedback about the high turnover in my department, the lack of leadership within my dept, and the large workload that led to burnout. If he cannot take that feedback maturely and respond in a mature manner to that, then it's HIS problem, NOT mine.

I need to adopt a healthy mentality about this. He is indeed toxic, and he has proven that to me several times over with his behavior and responses. And, I don't need to participate in the negative, toxic drama, since that's what he wants to create here, as I am leaving.

He takes a business decision, which is you leaving for another company, and repeatedly makes it personal. Any further inquiries or communication by him should just be, I'm sorry you feel that way, it's not personal and end the communication right there.

You're right, and thank you! Your advice is spot on.

I am also sighing a BIG SIGH of relief. My long-endured job search is over, I am leaving an unhealthy work environment that caused me a TON of stress, and I am moving forward. I am very relieved.

There's certain situations that arise that I don't know how to handle and need input.

So, the new company asked me to join their company-wide Zoom call this week, the week before I officially start work, because my new boss will be out on vacation the week I do start. So, that's a bit odd to me, but whatever, I said I would love to and will play it by ear given my workload and current demands. So, that Zoom call is on Wed - I just received the invite but haven't RSVP'd yet. I think I should attend simply because I've been invited and I feel its' the right thing to do, but I really don't want to do this this week, while I am still working at my old company. I find it to be a bit strange to straddle both simultaneously, and I will have to also ask my boss if I can work 8AM-5PM instead of 8:30 AM-5:30 PM in order to attend this meeting.

The second situation I don't know how to handle is my current company is also scheduled to have a company-wide meeting, this Thursday. Thurs is the day before my very last day of work. It's already been announced via email that I am leaving, I already had a goodbye zoom call with most members of the company, and I don't really want to be in the spotlight OR attend this company-wide meeting on Thurs -- I think I have to though? Often times, the CEO will bump the meeting to the next week, but I don't want to ask him to move it until after I am gone, and I also don't want to attend. Not sure what to do??

What are the pros and cons of attending/not attending the Thursday meeting?

When you put it that way, I think I must attend. It would send a strong negative message to the whole company if I did not go.

What is the negative message? It sounds like that message outweighs everything else.

The negative message it would send is: I don’t give an F. Lol.

This week presents several hurdles before I get to leave my awful company. UGH.

I wish I could have a week off before my next job starts. I really need to shake the negativity off of me from this job, and I cannot do that easily without some time in between. I am not thrilled that I have to go straight into the next position. And, I made that decision because the new company wanted me to start within two weeks, and I also cannot financially afford a week off in between jobs.

Life is unfair. I'm seriously pouting over this.

This is quite the saga, i'm sorry you're going through this. Might want to have a lawyer on standby in case he tries to libel you.

I am surprised you aren’t alarmed that you don’t have anything put aside for rainy day. Not being able to survive a week is a scary place to be. I’d make it a priority to start saving at least some money. I think it is recommended to have at least few months salary saved in case of emergency.

I know it’s hard to go from one job to another with no break but I’d say it is common for people to avoid gaps in employment so typically people go from one job to another with no break. Yeah and like you said new company don’t want to wait either. It’s hard of course.

Hopefully you have a weekend to rest in between. Is this office job or at home again?

It's 100% remote - this company has always been remote, since it started 5 years ago.

I am paying for all of my rent by myself which is pricey and very high for just one person to be able to afford. It cannot be helped right now, my lack of savings. I had to pay a $400 heating bill last month because the heat in my apartment is not efficient. I had to take that money out of my savings, which depleted my savings.

It's difficult for me to save money and get ahead, when it's largely my circumstances that prevent that. Once my husband moves back in this month, he will be paying half the rent and half the expenses, I will also have a much higher salary, and I can add to my savings again. But right now, finances are very tight.

And I honestly do not think that many people can financially afford to take a full week off in between jobs,. Most people's finances are tight.

400? Heating bill? In a rental? It’s extremely high! How big is the place? I’d talk to management, it’s insane. They need to look into it. I’ve never heard of such bills! I live in a very cold climate and run furnace all winter long and I cannot imagine bills like this! Crazy

Oh I see, I thought your husband helps you to pay rent since he only rents a room somewhere, likely doesn’t pay as much plus if he is in your place a lot he’d be contributing. Ok if he doesn’t help, then I get it.

I've already contacted the landlord, who is seriously CHEAP and who will not fix the heater in the apartment. It's a large, two story, two bedroom apartment.

My husband is paying rent at another home plus expenses - I did not ask him to help me pay for rent or expenses while staying with me, for just that reason. He is not a free loader - this was our arrangement. He pays for everything else for us - groceries, dinner out, evenings out, entertainment, etc.

It’s insane. We never paid more than a $100 a month and we have three bedrooms two stories plus basement townhome. Do you have electric heater or something. Gas can’t possibly cause that much. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I’d get out of there. That’s a rip off