[paddym22]

I used to be so far up the river nile in denial.

It all started so innocently. I had a headache one morning on my way to work and I popped into a pharmacy in Notting Hill, London near where I used to live. Got to work, poured myself a cup of coffee and popped two nurofen plus (codeine and paracetamol) into my mouth and thus began my life as an addict. A couple of months later I had a different route to work each workday so that I could pop into a chemist and pick up a box of pills. The only person aware of my buzz was myself. The chemist couldnt police it as I was only popping into each one on different days, there were no alarm bells ringing, I had covered my tracks. Active addicts often state that the substance of choice makes them feel whole as a person, that something in their lives had been previously missing and this must be what it is like to feel normal, to be able to deal with the daily stresses or social situations. I was living it.

I was a trendy person, very busy on the London club scene. I burnt the nocturnal lamp oil often getting home at 6.00am to be up and out the door to the office at 8.00pm. I remember my first Ecstacy tablet and was it seemed like I had arrived. I had always been a shy person but Ectasy made me sociable and loved up. Little did I realise that I was a sweaty freak with no boundaries. At the height of my Ecstacy phase it was a quite common experience for me and my druggy friends, because lets face we wouldnt want normal dull people around us ruining our buzz, to sit on top of the bass bins, pop my selection of party pills, black out and wake up 5 hours later with the flourescent lights blazing as the bouncers emptied the club.

After a couple of years of this the honeymoon period in my relationship with my club drugs faded I noticed crushing depressions mid week. I fueled these with benzodiazepines to feel what I thought was normal. Soon I was doctor shopping, there were no controls in place at that time and it was easy to visit different surgeries. I was soon conversant in benzodiazepine language, long acting, short acting, half lives, hypnotics, anxiolytics, sedatives, diazepam,ativan,nitrazepam, clonazepam, temazepam, oxazepam, librium, imovane. I had a shopping list.

I was taking pills to sleep, pills to wake up, pills to be a sociable person and to dance and pills to come down.

A while later I was introduced to my best friend Charlie. We developed a friendship that was incestuous almost. I was never very far from Charlie. He came to work with me as he helped me get through Boardroom presentations that I was always giving. When I had to travel with work he met me in Berlin, Paris and Vienna. Charlie was everywhere. Soon I was nicknamed Charlie's paddy as everybody knew where ever Paddy was Charlie was never far behind.

Then Charlie and I had a falling out and I felt rotten. I was devastated. I realised I couldnt get enough of charlie. I had fallen on hard times and money was short and I noticed that Charlie only seemed to like me when I was flush with money. He became elusive for a while. But soon enough God was good and normal financial services resumed. We picked up where we had left off. I noticed that Charlie seemed different this time. He was great to be around alright but he didnt seem to stay as long with me but was giving other people more attention. I wasnt getting the same vibe as I used to get around him. One New Years Eve a whole bunch of us went clubbing and Charlie came along with me. I had been saying to myself the previous couple of weeks that I had enough of Charlie and wanted to move on so I decided that this particular New Year's eve would be our last time and I would make it a night to remember a real blow out. So along we went with everybody and did our usual sacred pill taking. It was great and I danced and danced. But then E wore off and I said to Charlie to come along to the bathroom with me. I locked myself into a cubicle with Charlie and we got it together. Within minutes a voice loomed over my head, I looked up and a bouncer was looking larger than life down at me from the top of the door demanding that I come out. I looked about and there was Charlie spread all over the top of the cistern in his glorious white powder form, charlie had turned into my worst nightmare I was caught with Cocaine. Charlie is a street name for Cocaine.

I do not remember what ensued because I was so desperate in my addiction that before I opened the cubicle door I snorted what must have been almost a gram of the stuff.

Twelve hours later I was 35,000 feet up in the air, panicking, wondering what was going to face me and how much did my parents know. There is nothing more shameful to an addict than an addiction exposed. The air hostess look at me almost knowingly and asked me if I was alright. I winced and said I needed some sleep. We touched down in Dublin and it never looked so grey and I never looked so frightened. My parents greeted me, not really knowing what to say. I think they were as much in denial as I was. The family GP was on hand, a sage man who knew more about me than I knew about myself. I was shipped off to a rehab. Rehabs were very much in vogue at the time and I thought I had arrived, now I was in rehab Hollywood stick that in your eye! I came out 28 days later detoxed alright but resistant to my enemy NA. They said I had to put my trust in God, my so called higher power to be cured or so I reasoned. Why on earth would any higher power allow a person to become addicted to drugs. I went to one meeting and thought everybody was a freak at it. Their addiction and what they did to feed their addiction was every bit more worse than I ever was. There were heroin addicts and Meth addicts, who frigthened the life out of me and as far as I was concerend I wasnt one of them. I checked out of rehab and checked out of recovery.

The consequence of all this drug taking was a bipolar diagnosis. I had sailed right up the river nile angry and in denial alright. I embraced my diagnosis and found out as much about it as I could and realised that the poison I had put in my body was destablising my mood. I stopped the clubbing scene. I stopped the recreational drug scene. I did all the right things except I didnt stop my addiction. I was slowly realising than any mood altering substance was addictive to me. I knew what I had to do. I read and read and kept on telling myself tomorrow I will do something about it. I had a eureka moment when I realised that whether I was actively taking drugs or not I was an addict. I had disturbing dreams about taking drugs, I craved them night and day. I was in effect setting myself up for a fall. I had nothing to support me in my silence.

Then like many addicts I reached my nemisis - Ritalin. It even scares me to type the name of that drug. I was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed Ritalin. Like a good addict I researched everything about it and I found a site on the net that graded drugs for highs, and lo and behold ritalin was pretty much top of the list when you snorted it. But hey its a prescribed drug I said to myself so its ok.

Six months later illegaly buying online from the Phillipines to support my habit I crashed into a deep death defying depression. The deepest darkest abyss I had ever crawled into. I couldnt get out of it. I wanted to die but didnt know how. On a sunday evening alone in my apartment I googled rehabs in europe. I couldnt go back to Ireland because that would be admitting to my family that I had failed and I was full fo shame. I found a facility in southern europe that looked good, had good testimonials and did the twelve steps. So I phoned the emergency number and a beautiful soft voice answered and I knew I was safe. It was the best call I ever made and within two days I was there and on my first steps to recovery. It was tough, I found a lot out about myself that I didnt like I must admit but I felt safe and I was in the company of other addicts who knew where I was at. An addict cannot hide from another addict, we know what is going on. It was very supportive and I enjoyed the twelve step process, I realised that the Higher Power so often spoke about could be anything of my choosing so long as it gave spiritual hope and healing. When I graduated, as they say, from the treatment centre my first port of call when I got home to where I live was to attend a meeting. I suppose in a way it is true that one can also become addicted to NA , but hey some years clean later its better to be addicted to NA than addicted to a chemical substance.

Thank you for reading, why not share your story......

Thank you Paddy for sharing that.

I am so so glad you went and got help.

hugs to you my friend...

[anna342]

Thanks for sharing paddy

[Catherine2]

Paddy...
So beautifully written, thank you.
I was struck by the balance of payoff and payment...payoff: what we got from using...payment: what we got from using.
Wondrous highs
Free Falls into Despair...at an unparalleled speed
Out of the Depths of Despair...agony of millimeters gained, millimeters lost.
All in response to our Addiction
Addiction...seductive...possessive...hungry, never satiated

Breaking that choke hold on me was one of the hardest things I've done...and I remain fiercely protective of my being clean and sober.
Fierce! It's what it takes for me

In Peace

Thanks, paddym22,

[splitimage]

Thanks for sharing Paddy. Your story gives me hope.

--splitimage

[jdajda]

Thank you Paddy, I am addicted to vicodin and so afraid to stop. I started taking it for back pain a year ago and am now taking up to 10 a day. I have not had a drink in 25 years, thanks to God and AA. I stopped going to meetings about 8 years ago and need to go back but I am afraid too. I'm trying to get my back healed so I can stop taking the vicodin but have had no success yet.
I know I need help but don't know what to do about my back pain. I do know that taking vicodin (10 a day) is not just for pain but to feel high also . It is beginning to just cause depression in me but I take them anyway hoping for that good feeling I used to get. I know that it never gets better , only worse.
I have not been able to admit this to any one but myself. I also have bipolar and am afraid of a deep depression when I stop the vicodin.
I will save your story because it gives me hope , thank you again.

[Michah]

Ah my dear friend.......how much that hurt, for I so hear what you say.

And how often the mention of "charlie", creates this visceral reaction. An activation of the salivary, a bottomless feeling in the stomach like being in an elevator. Even after all these years of not touching a thing, it still brings back mild anxiety, dry mouth and a disgusted but anticipatory flush to my face. They are the greatest destroyer are they not? I understand shame, and I understand overcoming it, and forgiving ourselves, for we are loved ANYWAY.

My story is, that I mixed drugs and violence, that I destroyed myself in the false and delusional belief that it was others who were to blame, that I lived with terrible consequence and was a hairs breadth from incarceration. That my spirit flailed and thrashed about until it could not sustain its throes of survival and crept into the corner to hide, a shadow of its former self. And, like you, it started so innocently, but I know the seeds were there already. Drugs were just the matches to the gasoline.

You have forgiven yourself dear one........and you continue to do so. And that is the great testament and battle. To forgive ourselves. You are a warrior of the spirit, and your strength is awesome.

I love your story, for it gives me hope.

Much love to you babe.......in this journey that we all share.

Michah

[susan888]

Thank you Paddy...I feel so much love for you right at this moment.

My daughter has had a bladder disease since she was 14 (now 26). She has had a problem with Percocet for a while now. I have tried to take her prescription and dole out enough to last for a week, but that didn't work. She has an appointment tomorrow (her second) with a local clinic to see if she can get on a drug to help her detox. She comes by her addictive personality honestly. Her father is and has been for all of her life a raging alcoholic and for the last 10 years....well...I have been using alcohol to try to dull my pain (I feel so ashamed about that). I feel that her recovery is making me look honestly at myself and what I have allowed my life to become. Thank you so much for sharing so freely and know that I am taking all of this to be a sign from my Higher Power....

Paddy...you have been a blessing to me. Tonight I just feel like your post spoke to me..

Much love to you my friend!

[tryingtobeme]

(((((((paddy))))))

Thank you for sharing your story. I see great strenght in you. I cried while reading this paddy. From all the hurt and pain you must have been going through during that time.

I am so happy that things have really turned around. Be well my friend and thanks again for sharing.

Just as a side note.

It was really really interesting to read you would make an excellent writer.

[paddym22]

Thank you all so much, Tishie, Anna, Catherine2, Byz, Splitimage, jdajda,michah,susan888, tryingtobeme. It really means an awful lot to read comments. Tishie I dont know about being a writer lol but thank you so much for the compliment!! I really dont know what to say but thank you all, I am so glad I have met all of you, it really is a wonderful place PC, as you said in another post Tishe.

[roxyanne1]

WOW Paddym...what a story and one im very close to, mabey i,ll write it to you soon
but not tonight, sick with flu,,,im a prescription junkie i guess i;d say and X hippie
but with the psych drugs i take i remain the same.
By the way the dbt online is great and one day it may help with addiction problems
NNever did the really heavy addictive drugs but addiction is a big problem, i cant ever
se myself off the prescription drugs. Roxyanne1

[paddym22]

Roxyanne, thanks so much and Oh am I glad that you found the DBT online classes of benefit.

Best

Paddt

[eskielover]

Paddy,

Thank you so much for sharing such a personal part of your life. It is wonderful that you feel safe enough here to be able to share. Your words paint such a perfect picture of what you went through. I am sure that there are many here who share similar experiences & hopefully sharing this may even be able to stop someone who may not be there yet, but just in the starting phases of addiction.

It is possible not to become addicted when prescribed pain medications. I have to say that I have been one of the very lucky ones. It seems that there must be something inside of us that causes it to turn into addiction verses it not going in that direction. I have been on the same high dose of pain medication for over 8 years & have never had the need to increased the dose, nor have I felt a high, or a buzz, or any effect at all except for the pain relief. My pain specialist said that it was because they found the right dose that took care of the pain. I have not even become tolerante of the med requiring a higher dose. However no matter what, anyone using these kinds of meds become dependent on it which just means that they cause withdrawal symptoms if we go off them abruptly. Everyone experiences that, whether addicted or not....it's just how the med works just like some of the AD's or benzodiazipines, etc.

I am so glad that you have your support group NA, & that you are determined to keep from going back to that situation with your life. Keep up the good work & the determination to not go back to that life.

Wishing all who struggle with this, the strength it takes to keep from allowing the addiction to win.

[maryjain lockhart]

Thank u4sharing! When I was younger, I was a raver&I used2"candy flip" a lot: taking ecstasy with LSD or ketamine. I was so far gone, but nobody knew because I have never looked like an addict. Even when I was snorting a half oz of "Charlie" a day nobody knew. Drugs were my special little secret. I spent12yrs on drugs, everything from benzos to heroin but never crack cocaine. Drugs were what made me feel "normal"&"alive". I was an expert on what pills did what&almost went2school2b a pharmacy tech so I could learn more bout pills. I began seeking them from the emergency rooms, but after a while they all caught on&I was left with thousands of$$$worht of bills for nothing. I never thought that it was because of my bipolar disorder until I sought help4heroin addiction. Then I learned that I was trying2keep my manically depressed self "stable" instead of just getting therapy4it&taking an antidepressant.
I appreciate ur story. Mines on here but not as detailed as yours. Check it out, its called 4years on methadone&finally starting to taper

Congratulations to all who are battling addictions. I wish you well.