[UKfox]

Hi I am/have been struggling with making or maintaining eye contact, it seems to be the worst problem or the one that's holding me back the most at the mo. I talked it through with my therapist and she asks what it is I'm worrying about but i cant identify anything specific it just seems really uncomfortable to look at someone while I'm talking to them. I regularly go to AA meetings and find it easier to talk with people outside now the evenings are dark but in the meetings when the chairs are in a half circle most of the time I just end up looking at the floor or at the anonymity card on the table in case someone tries to get my attention or looks at me. I work part time in a charity shop and while I work with people I can have conversations but sitting down for a chat at coffee break is hard. I dont recall it being a problem when I was taking anti-depressants and clonazepam or even before this. Im trying breathing exercises but it doesnt seem to help. I'm doing really well apart from this regards to staying away from the alcohol and sedatives I got so hooked on. Has anyone else been through anything like this and got better? I'd be grateful for some help as I'm so lonely and miserable as it's causing me to isolate so much

[madisgram]

well first let me comment on your getting sober!!! good for you. i've found my sober life to give me so much more meaning than when i was drunk.
as for your dilemma, do u feel shy around others? i got that impression when i read your post. or perhaps self conscious? i'm sure you feel acceptance in AA. try to allow them to accept all of you "including the warts". that's a U.S. saying meaning love all of you including any short comings. i'm sure you treat others that way so allow them to do it back to you. try to slowly get to know ppl in the rooms and practice some eye contact. you don't have to get this overnight just practice. if you are shy or self conscious i'd probably try to say that at the first part of the conversation. ppl are usually kind when one admits something like this. it may also put you at ease since you've verbally said it.
u're right when you say it's lonely doing what you do. so i encourage you to try to step outside of your comfort zone. if you fear rejection the worse thing that can happen is they don't want to talk to you. right now your behavior is like telling them the same...like you're not interested in making friends.
keep us posted if you decide to "practice" doing the eye contact. a motivating factor is you won't feel so lonely cause you will make friends.

[UKfox]

Thanks for replying madisgram I felt better after putting this in writing and your reply really put it in a better perspective. Youre right about being honest with people im really trying to run before i can walk. My problem is thinking i have mental health problems over alcoholism so i skate around the sidelines at aa instead of accepting theres people that will help and a 12 step programme that would give me a better life. I worked out im 6 months sober yesterday and i hear a lot of people find the first 2 years hard in aa so its in gods time not mine. Compared to my drinking days life is good Its my homegroup meeting tomorrow and I will start being honest about how im feeling

Originally Posted by madisgram

well first let me comment on your getting sober!!! good for you. i've found my sober life to give me so much more meaning than when i was drunk.
as for your dilemma, do u feel shy around others? i got that impression when i read your post. or perhaps self conscious? i'm sure you feel acceptance in AA. try to allow them to accept all of you "including the warts". that's a U.S. saying meaning love all of you including any short comings. i'm sure you treat others that way so allow them to do it back to you. try to slowly get to know ppl in the rooms and practice some eye contact. you don't have to get this overnight just practice. if you are shy or self conscious i'd probably try to say that at the first part of the conversation. ppl are usually kind when one admits something like this. it may also put you at ease since you've verbally said it.
u're right when you say it's lonely doing what you do. so i encourage you to try to step outside of your comfort zone. if you fear rejection the worse thing that can happen is they don't want to talk to you. right now your behavior is like telling them the same...like you're not interested in making friends.
keep us posted if you decide to "practice" doing the eye contact. a motivating factor is you won't feel so lonely cause you will make friends.

[Leed]

Hi ~ Can I congratulate you on 6 months SOBER??? That's wonderful!!! You should be very proud of yourself, because that's not easy to do. I'm in AA too, and I remember my first 6 months. I never thought I'd make it the first 6 days let alone 6 months! LOL

I'm very shy and self conscious too, so I had trouble making eye contact too. I had to work hard at that. But once I found out that no one was going to yell at me or bite me, it became easier and easier. And while I don't always stare at them the whole time I'm talking to someone, I do make more eye contact now. All in all I think that AA has pretty much done a 360 on me. LOL I'm back to who I was SUPPOSED to be before I started drinking - and I never knew who that was until I joined AA.

Best of luck to you and again, congratulations!!! Keep on keepin on! hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

hi again uk, a thought...i was dual dx'ed 20 years ago. my T said in order for me to succeed in both and get better i had to take care of both equally. many ppl in AA have dual dx's. your focus on your other dx, MI, rather than accepting both dx's could minimize your alcoholism.
glad you are going to give it a go and share how you are feeling and struggling with. keep us posted. you can do this and your life will change for the better. mine did!!!! i hope that gives you "hope" too.

[UKfox]

Thanks Lee and madisgram for your words it is a miracle I'm not drinking and able to live independently and I keep forgetting that, my head tells me I'm useless and after a while I believe it if I dont go to meetings. I think a lot of my issues are because of the self-awareness aa and being sober has given me, aswell as always being shy and self conscious before. Im catching myself saying so many negative or passive aggressive things I dont even need a therapist to point them out anymore I had a psychiatrist appt last week and he has changed my diagnosis from an emotionally unstable personality disorder to being slightly autistic which freaked me out at first but he did say I had done incredibly well with the alcohol and getting off all the pills. I did read after autistic people have special abilities I just need to find out what mine are, already know its not flying Im going to see an aa old timer tomorrow he wants to sponsor me but I think I'd feel more comfortable with someone who struggled like me at first and got better. Thanks again for replying and helping me therapist appt and aa meeting also tomorrow, keep on keepin on

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by UKfox

Thanks Lee and madisgram for your words it is a miracle I'm not drinking and able to live independently and I keep forgetting that, my head tells me I'm useless and after a while I believe it if I dont go to meetings.my wink I think a lot of my issues are because of the self-awareness aa and being sober has given me, aswell as always being shy and self conscious before. Im catching myself saying so many negative or passive aggressive things I dont even need a therapist to point them out anymore perhaps things you think of yourself are not true at all. i call them false beliefs instilled earlier that create a distoted viewpoint of myself. work in progress for me. I had a psychiatrist appt last week and he has changed my diagnosis from an emotionally unstable personality disorder to being slightly autistic which freaked me out at first but he did say I had done incredibly well with the alcohol and getting off all the pills. I did read after autistic people have special abilities I just need to find out what mine are, .well one special ability i think you have is self expression and excellent communication skills already know its not flying Im going to see an aa old timer tomorrow he wants to sponsor me but I think I'd feel more comfortable with someone who struggled like me at first and got better. how do you know he'she didn't struggle like you did? Thanks again for replying and helping me therapist appt and aa meeting also tomorrow, keep on keepin on

love your philosphy of keeping on...you're on the right track...you are on a journey of finding out who you really are.
i call AA free therapy!

[billieJ]

UKfox ~ Congratulations, and I hope to get where you are one day. As far as eye contact, I don't think most people stare into each others' eyes except for brief periods of time, as they talk. But I know what you are saying. Try looking at other parts of people's faces as you talk to them. You are doing so well. I have been without alcohol and street drugs for about 20 years, but can't claim sobriety, as I still use pills for pain and to block out feelings. You are doing great, Fox! billieJ

[UKfox]

Hi billiej my therapist said also to look at the bridge of peoples noses when talking to them. Ive heard people say they feel like a rabbit in the headlights when they first come into recovery and thats kind of how I feel. I cant drink and take the amount of benzos I did without doing some damage and I know its early days for me but people keep saying I will get better, I must believe them because I keep going
Posting on here is really helping also because I can talk about things I wouldnt have the guts in normal life and get good advice. Thanks for replying and your kind words

Originally Posted by billieJ

UKfox ~ Congratulations, and I hope to get where you are one day. As far as eye contact, I don't think most people stare into each others' eyes except for brief periods of time, as they talk. But I know what you are saying. Try looking at other parts of people's faces as you talk to them. You are doing so well. I have been without alcohol and street drugs for about 20 years, but can't claim sobriety, as I still use pills for pain and to block out feelings. You are doing great, Fox! billieJ

[Miss Laura]

Hey UKFox,

I have major issues with eye contact. Have been like this since I was a kid. I am slowly getting better. It is extremely uncomfortable and I tend to want to laugh when people look at me and or I am made to look at people.

I use to be made to look at people when I was at school so now I completely don't lol

My Counsellor said I have at times issues with it but had gotten so much better since our 1st meeting. I think when you get use to the people you are talking to ie your customers and your AA at times it gets easier.

Only advice would be to not give up completely on the eye contact

Good Luck!!

[flawlessimperfectionsmft]

I have gone through this but I have gotten better. I'm not sure what changed, it just came with age I guess. I wish the best of luck to you.