Why? Can anyone please tell me why?!

I trust him as a friend, yes. But I fear if I go stay with him I'll only be substituting one drug for another. Why? Because he's an alcoholic. He doesn't admit to being an alcoholic, but I grew up with alcoholics and am one myself. So I know what an alcoholic is. He doesn't drink beer, just straight liqour and whiskey. He starts when he wakes up in the morning by mixing whiskey with his coffee and goes on with it until bedtime. I haven't drank in quite awhile, thats one thing i have been able to turn down. But I know that if I go down there and get cravings, I'll replace it with alcohol to cover it up. So I'm not so sure it's a good idea for me to go there. I was in recovery long enough to know a drug is a drug is a drug and a drug addict can not successfully use any drug, including alcohol. One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.... no, maybe not then. Damn. I was hoping this was your ticket.

What about any relatives that live in other cities?

Most of my family is either drug addicts or alcoholics or child molesters. Plus most of them live in this area or surrounding areas that I've went to many times to get dope. People don't realize just how drug infested this place really is. It's easier to get clean and stay clean if you live in a area that has drug usage going on but isn't almost everyone using. Every single day at least two people are getting arrested for either possession, trafficing, or something to do with dealing with meth. Seen on the news not that long ago that Alabama is one of the fastest growing places for the making and trafficing of meth. There's around 95-100 inmates in the county jail right now. Out of those 95-100, 80 or so are in for meth. So you see how it's kinda hard for me to get and stay clean? I'm very strong in some aspects of my life but will power or the ability to say no isn't one of them. When I see drug addicts daily, it's hard to turn away from it. I can only say no so many times before I break down and give in. Hell, a while back when I went to an NA meeting, this guy asked me if I wanted to go get high afterwards. So I can't get away from the drugs no matter where I go. It's always there. My problem is saying no and sticking to it. IT seems impossible for me to do.

Bama, this is so heartbreaking. I respect you even more than I already did after reading what you wrote above. You are meant for much better than that. I really hope you can break free. I know that your family and godchildren are important to you, but if you can manage to get clean and get AWAY from there for a little while to regain some perspective on what normal life is like, you could return and be a HUGE asset to your community.

If you can get clean, I'd like to see you run for mayor or governor someday. Seriously... you are smart enough to turn it around for more than just yourself. You just need to get away from the mess so that you can find your head again.

You know what my dream has always been? To help people. Whether that be through being a therapist and helping people sort out their emotional problems or even taking poor families in and helping them get back on their feet so they can live on their own again and be a happy family. I've always been a nature care taker and a giver. I don't care if I make lots of money, I'd be happy doing it for free if I knew I could get by with it.

That's always been a huge dream for me and lots of times when I'm high, I think about it and get teary eyed. Thinking about how my life could be amazing and worth something but the drugs consume me too much to do any of it. I know I'm weak when it comes to using dope but that doesn't mean I can't make it. So cheers to another day of clean time! Todays day 3 (I think?). My body is hurting like hell, it's my bones and muscles mostly. Eating everything in sight and it's starting to really bother me. I want to lose weight, not gain it.

((((((((((((Bama))))))))))))))) I can so relate to all you say.
Please quit beating up yourself. You are not a failure!
Just don't give up and keep looking to God and I can guarantee your life will change even if it is not on your terms or anyone elses. More will be revealed that I can promise!

skylrks

Thanks for the support, sky. Means a lot. ((((( skylrks )))))

I'm clean now though. Have started over and doing pretty well with it, thankfully.

Bama - I'm so proud of you! The withdrawal is over??!!! Great!!!

So what's new for you now? What are your plans? Next steps?

The physical withdrawals are done and over with. Now I just deal with the mental aspect of it all. It gets tough to deal with at times, but I'm making it with the help of my HP.

I've been going to meetings every other day and reading my NA book a lot and getting involved with stuff around the neighborhood. So I'm doing alright I suppose.

Great!

what about school? are you planning to go back to school? what kind of career are you thinking about?

I'm studying for my diploma now, plan on taking college courses afterwards and get into some sort of therapy. Not sure if it'll be regular therapy or substance abuse therapy.

((BAMA)) COOL.....I always thought that the physical would be the hardest?

Physical is hard, because it takes it's toll on your body. But, because mental lasts possibly forever and it can torment your mind like crazy, it makes it worse.

The physical affects of going off drugs will go away in time but are like going through h*ll when you are there. Sometimes wish you were dead rather than having to go through them. The mental ones are there for life. I like to look at it as if a parrot was on my shoulder 24 hours a day and kept telling me, its OK to go and use just a little bit, it wont hurt. That is what the mental side of getting off drugs feels like for me. The longer you go without drugs the easier it gets to tell that parrot where to go, LOL.

Allan
P.S. Bama, wishing you all the best and hope you can keep on going the way you are, I know you can do it lady.

Good way to explaining it, Allan. Definitely makes sense.

Thank you. I'm trying. Still clean, Sunday was two weeks. Keeping myself busy.

Thank you Bama and Allen I think I am more afraid of the physical myself cause I know I can handle the emotional..I have stopped meds before but the lack of sleep IF I quit my sleeping meds scares me...BTW THEY ARE prescribed