[BamaSurvivor]

I've been clean 3 weeks this past Sunday. I've been going to meetings regularly plus my IOP meetings and starting over on my step work. I had gotten to step five but relapsed so now I'm back at one. Wow, the things that have changed. Anyway, through all this, me working the program and doing everything I can to stay clean, I still find it hard not to use. There's so much going on in my life right now that sometimes in the back of my mind, I can hear myself saying, "One hit of dope will make it all go away.", but I know it really won't so I don't go out and pick up again.

Last time I seen my sister (whom I'm having major problems with due to hurt she's caused me while in active addiction), she had a huge knot on her arm from shooting up in the same vein repeatedly and was really sick. We had gotten into an arguement and I left and I haven't seen her since. No one knows where she is and there's a part of me that wants to believe she's ok, but the bigger part of me knows deep down she's not doing too good if she is alive. I'm so worried.

Then I took my cousin in, who's 17 and an addict. Her mother and father are both cocaine addicts and the father is also a raging alcoholic. So needless to say, she had no where stable to go but here. I took her in under the agreement she would find a job, go to NA meetings with me, and go get her GED. I'd take care of the rest. She agreed. She gets a job at McDonalds and I buy her two new outfits for work plus the shoes. I bought her three pairs of pants and a jacket as well for christmas presents since she didn't have many cloths when she came here. I've paid for her share of the food and drinks and spent over $80 just in gas taking her back and forth to look for a job and take her to see her little sister two counties over. Am I complaining? No, I'm not, but I am a little hurt. I did all of this for her, hoping she'd get her life straight and do something with her life while she is young and still has a great chance of making something of herself. I took her in as if she were my own. I took A LOT of sexual abuse from her brother growing up so he wouldn't abuse her. I've always been so protective of her and have always taken care of her when she needed me to. Well, she took it all for granted this time around and left this evening. She said she didn't want my help anymore and she was "grown and can be on my own", in her words. I don't know where she is, if she's ok, or what she plans on doing. I'm worried about her and hurt that after all I did for her, she pretty much sh*ts on me and doesn't care.

I'm so tired of caring. Everytime I care, I get hurt. Everytime I reach out and help someone, it's taken for granted usually. I've had to say the serenity prayer eight times today to keep from going crazy and just going back out and getting high. What do you do when things get really tough to handle and you know you want to maintain your sobriety? How do you cope? Your coping mechanism, I guess? Advice would be grately appreciated. Thanks.

[Raynaadi]

Bama, you have to remember you're new to sobriety again. I know what that's like. You know it's not easy. You know it's an emotional roller coaster. You've done this before, remember? You know this too shall pass. You've started working the steps again, so you know you'll feel better soon. Don't quit again before the miracle. Go back and look at your inventory. "Every time I care, I get hurt". The solution to that attitude is sure to be in your inventory. Why do you think you get hurt, what's your part. Get back on your side of the street and see what your part is. Make a gratitude list. Make a God box. Turn your family over to your Higher Power and worry about YOU right now. Keep saying the serenity prayer. Say more than 8 times, it's ok. What do I do when the going gets tough? I go to a meeting. I call my sponser. I call another in recovery. But most of all, I PRAY. I just pray for guidence, pray for sanity, ask what I can do to be a channel, to be of service. I try to help another, but only to the best of my ability, and not if it will damage my sobriety. Never do a 12 step call on your own, especially in early recovery. Above all, give yourself a damn break, remember you're early in sobriety again, take it easy, take it a day a time, baby steps, you can do it.

[BamaSurvivor]

(((((((((( Rayna )))))))))

Thank you so much. You're right... Gotta take baby steps and keep God first and only do the best I can and not push it.

[Raynaadi]

Your receptiveness is refreshing. For awhile I was afraid, when you didn't want to hear what anyone here was saying. I was really scared for you! So glad to see you back on a good road.

[shadowalker164]

Bama…
Maybe your cousin is in your life at this point to remind you of the unmanageable of active addiction.

I don’t feel that the time I spend with my sponsees is a waste of time or money. Even if they go back out and suffer all the things they were trying so desperately to run away from to start with.

It’s like they were put in my life to remind me of who I am, who I was, and who I can be again. They are paying a hell of a price to carry this message of hopeless unmanageability to me. My job is to not to let their message fall on deaf ears.

Richard

[BamaSurvivor]

Yeah, I had gotten really bad off. I felt everything everyone said to me was an attack at me and I refused to listen to reason and sense. Now I know in order to remain sober/clean, I need to take advice from my fellow recovering addicts and do what's been suggested to me.

You're also very right, Richard. I don't regret helping her, she's my family and I'd never regret helping her. I was just disappointed, I guess. I tried so hard to help her I was starting to lose sense of her needing to help herself. I wanted so bad to help her because when I was 17, I was on the streets doing dope left and right and basically killing myself by some of the things I was doing. I had no stable home by choice. I had no parents to love me by choice. I had no real freedom by choice, because my addiction was more important to me than the real things in life. I didn't want her to go through that. But I guess you gotta let them learn for themselves. Can't make someone be clean if they don't want that life.

[LMo]

Bama, this is a little off-topic, but have you considered getting out of that town? I'm sad for your sister and cousin, but I'm so concerned about you being surrounded by so much addiction.

I don't know if you realize how startling it is for me, a stranger, to read about your community. It's NOT like that everywhere, Bama. You could surround yourself with clean people somewhere else. I don't want you to give up on your family, but just until you're stable on your own two feet. I worry a lot about you down there

[BamaSurvivor]

I got out of town for 10 days awhile back. Went to Florida for 10 days just to get away from everything and everyone. That's the first time I felt the true meaning of serenity. But I don't have the money to move out of town nor do I have the resources. So I have to make due here the best I can.

[Raynaadi]

God will do for us what we can't do for ourselves...pray about it, and ask if it's in the plan for you to move and break free.

[Raynaadi]

PS-How long you got now? =)

[dottie]

This post really disturbs me. I wonder if your sister knows that if she continues..she could lose her arm or face death.

[BamaSurvivor]

Rayna, I have a month clean. This past Sunday was a month.

I've told my sister what her using is going to lead to. Even when I was high, I'd still tell her because she was shooting up and that's how my brother died and it just really bothers me. I know using is using no matter how you look at it but I just can't handle seeing another family member die from shooting up dope. Especially my sister. I hate her ways but I do love her. Wish she'd come to her senses and turn herself in and get some help.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

((( BAMA ))) YOU ARE RECEPTIVE AND DOING WELL ..I wish I had a clapping smiley...You should be proud of you

[LMo]

Yes, definitely am proud, too! I know this was difficult, but I know you are strong enough to kick butt and take names. I'm also proud of both you and Rayna for helping others the way you are. I'm proud to be among your friends here.

[Raynaadi]

Congrats on the month! ((((( Bama )))))

Thank you LMo!!!!!

[BamaSurvivor]

Thanks, Sleeps and LMo. ((((( hugs )))))

Thanks, Rayna. Been a difficult month, but I'm making it. Fixing to read your loneliness post, I have a feeling it's going to hit home for me.

[allthegirls6]

How you doing now bama?

Hope its still good for you

ATG