trapped.

Im SO tired of being responsible. I'm so sick of staying put and pushing through. I just want to run away, get in the car and drive and never look back. I want to spend the rest of my days laying on the beach, wasted out of my mind. When i run outta money i'll just off myself. That has been my fantasy for weeks. Instead i go to work, go to meetings, and do what i'm supposed to do. But everyday has been a struggle lately and i can't foresee any changes. So i've decided that come january i'm going to bid a different shift at work. One that interfers with my meetings, and i assume eventually people will just forget me, and i'll be able to slowly see myself out. i'm just so not cut out for the life that is expected from me in AA. i honestly feel so trapped just considering it. im terrified and i look at the other people seemingly handling their lives just fine. I can't do that. Every little thing is so friggin difficult for me and i'm so tired of trying so hard just to be hurt, or fail or whatever. when can i just do the one thing that always helped me? i'm still young, even if i am an alcoholic, i got at least 10 more good drinking years left i think. i've been fighting myself a lot the last month, each time i start fighting this way i drink. I know that. It's probably only a matter of time. i'm rationalizing too much, im too hurt, im too whatever. i know where this leads but i can't stop. i don't know if i want to stop. i don't know.

21 years ago i felt exactly as you do. i offer you hope cause miracles do happen. i was even nicknamed "miracle jan" cause i was on the merry go round for some time fighting with myself-stop drinking or eff it. i used to look at ppl in the rooms, so happy and sober. i wanted to become like them but didn't want to give up the booze to get there. it is a struggle. i hope you'll keep going to meetings...i don't quite know why or how but it does work. being a drunk is like the worst job we will ever have. listen in meetings, share what's going on with you, rely on the group to be your higher power cause they have accomplished sobriety. bare your soul if you can. all you have to do is focus on just today if u want sobriety. i feel you do, imho. know MANY of us struggled. alcohol became our best friend. it's pull is overwhelmingly powerful. but we can stop and stay stopped if only we ask for the miracle and surrender to the fact alcohol controls us in all things not the other way around. in the long run, your life, is this what you want to settle for or do you want to be set free? feel free to pm me if you like.
i hope my comments help.

I agree with Madisgram -- it was the same thing with me. I wanted what everyone else had, but it seemed like too much work!

Then my home group got me involved in "service work." That was the best thing that could have happened. It got me out of myself and into someone else. I took meetings into women's prisons, I went to juvenile homes, colleges, etc. Just making the coffee & setting up the chairs for the meetings is service work. Perhaps if you got more involved in that, it would help.

But don't give up until the miracle happens -- it WILL. You just have to be WILLING to believe. Please don't kill yourself with alcohol --- you're an important person who deserves to be truly happy. God bless & keep posting -- we can help. Hugs, Lee

Addiction what a funny animal, It's telling you the only way you can be free is by drinking HA! In reality the only way you can truly be free is to not drink. It try's to turn you around. Telling you people are putting expectations on you. I don't think anyone in AA expects you to do anything but show up. And most of the people there have all kinds of problems they just don't have to drink to make them go away! Which I think is awesome! If you think you need to drink go for it just don't beat yourself up and make sure you go back to AA it works!

I bet there is people at your AA that feel like you do, or worse. You could try telling someone how you feel.