Where? who?

*sigh* wasn't worth someone wasting their time to read..

TymeKyller - trust me- none of us feel as though we are wasting our time reading what others post. We absolutely would not be here at PC if we felt that way.

I hope you will post again and let us know how you are feeling/what worries you...

We will read and we will offer support and thoughts.

A three year member and only 9 threads wear you been? Welcome

Thanks Caretaker Leo.. :/

Been a rough 8-10 years... Drugs helped me stay away from reality and allowed me to forget momentarily... I would wake up in the morning smoke drugs, then I would get hungry around 2am if I got hungry at all, eat and go to bed..Wake up and do it all over again being trapped in a viscous cycle of desperation and helplessness, having no hope, no more light at the end of the tunnel... I won't go into detail of my miserable self induced life, I just know I don't like it and one way or another things will finally come to a end.
I fear for my health, my lungs, my throat, I'm sick and tired of being just that, sick and tired.. I want meaning to my life, I don't like waking up happy because I have drugs or sad because I don't.. I don't like going to bed knowing I will be sad in the morning cause I don't have drugs.. I'm sick of spending my money of drugs.. I spend so much money a month on drugs it really is quite mind boggling..
I have a nice place, a nice car, nice girl (she tells me she would give anything not to hear me cough any more, she is clean) by the way I'm 32 encase anyone was wondering..
I live in one of the best countries in the world (canada) yet I am filled with holes in my heart, I have pain that only drugs can cover up but they can only cover up so long until it overcomes you and you become a nothing, someone lost to the abyss.. Life sucks and I can't stand people any more, I'm grumpy all the time and grumpy to people who want to help me and that hurts me even more knowing I am hurting people who care..I do have people who care but I feel I can not go to them for help, I am ashamed, embarrassed...(they are Christian, people of god, their answers to this is for me to pray.. Well for starters I don't know what I believe so I would be praying in falsehood and would do me worse then bad cause I would feel I am praying to something I don't necessarily believe in, giving me more racing thoughts I really don't need..
I am stuck between a hard rock, drugs and now death.. I feel time is coming to a end and starting to accept the inevitable in life that once frightened me... To go somewhere peaceful, pleasant, no pain, suffering, no addictions, no worries, no more racing thoughts,...*sigh* I wish my mind would stop and just leave me alone... I just wish...I just wish things were different and I made different choices in life.. I fear and feel it is becoming, if not already to late for me..

Avoice,
I use to talk on chat frequently when my wife and children left me, had some good friends on there... I try to stay away from these forums..obviously these forums are for people with problems.. I love the forums and chat but hate the reason why I come here and have avoided it for so long. Recently things have been getting worse and my thoughts have been going faster, I get panicky and have anxiety attacks etc.. I have been becoming fearful for a few things/thoughts, and well..

I don't know why I am on here, I don't even trust anyone so how the hell is anyone suppose to help me? I'm such a loss cause and I can't believe I am having these thoughts..
I once stood tall and proud, had it all.. I literally had the world in my hands and could have done what ever I wanted in life... Drugs messed me up and now, I'm afraid drugs will finalize their task on me and finish me...I went from cool to a piece of sh##, had friends now I just have drug addict friends who only worry and care about themselves, about their next high..

Sorry for this long post, guess I'm just kind of venting.. don't really expect anything.. Yea, I know I'm not alone and others are in the same shoes I am. I'm not special and don't deserve anything the next person wouldn't get... I do want help though and I am reaching out, I just don't know who to trust and where to go.. I have my apartment, my car, all that stuff, I can't rehab it and I can't do it outside of rehab... I don't have the strength with-in me to fight this.. I have been telling myself for years this is bad for me and to grow up and don't be such an idiot but time flies. Now I am still saying the same thing at age 32, but this time it is different, I'm desperate, I have no choice, I can't live like this any more.. It's either I get help and real help or I feel I will die, I'm worried, I'm not calling out pretending I am going to kill myself for attention like some do.. I'm am calling out saying I'm worried for having those thoughts and even more worried that those thoughts are sounding kind of peaceful...
It's not like I am going to go kill myself this second or tonight etc, but I fear these thoughts will encourage me further and someday in the near future they may overcome me..
*sigh* look at my miserable life.. it has come down to this?? I'm a pathetic low life and I have hurt a lot of people along my journey...I'm such a scum bag man and I just hate myself period!

I am glad you came back and spilled all your feelings out.

My son is not much younger than you. We just moved him into sober housing today. He too is fed up with how he has lived his life so far - drugs, alcohol, legal problems, etc. He looks at this change as a good step forward. Not an easy step - but truth is, life for anyone isn't easy.

Please, don't let religious beliefs get in your way. My son would tell you himself - this isn't about religion, it is about learning to believe that there is something out there that is greater than you - something you can believe in - and it doesn't have to be a "god" as most religions would define it.

As I see it from what you wrote, you are at a fork in the road. You can either choose path A or path B.

I wish you the very best. I think you have the strength to choose the path that will bring you back to a sane and happy life.

your description took me back to the critical time in my life. i was alcoholic and lost the will to live. i felt totally empty. i had no hope. i isolated and i'm an extrovertive person. i was sick and tired of being sick and tired. i was unable, i thought, to live without substances and worn out from using. i felt numbing my feelings was the only way to cope with life. i felt i couldn't break the cycle. this made me feel totally helpless. i couldn't live without drugs/alcohol and i couldn't bear to live with them. i no longer knew who i was. i said to my therapist "i don't do life well."
out of desperation i felt i was at the point i either got help or give up entirely. i chose to try one more time and viewed it as my last chance so i fought for my life with fervor. fto me therapy combined with a 12 step program of recovery might help and it did. slowly i learned that i could rejoin life and i found solace in that. today i'm drug and alcohol free-22 yrs. i'm abundantly glad i made that choice to live.
i wish you well. you can make that choice i did. it's hard at first but well worth the journey to freedom and a new life.