Help, help help

Ok guys, this one is going to be long. There's a guy in my meetings, and on the service committee I'm on. A few weeks ago at a birthday party we were talking and it came out that we both have an irrational fear of deep water. Through our talking, we've learned more and more that we have in common, uncanny things that we have in common. Cool right? Well, I was just trying to play it off...because he's in a relationship. He's in a very unhappy relationship. A relationship of convenience, because there's 2 kids involved. It's the old classic, staying together for the kids even though you're miserable with each other. The woman is a "normie" meaning non-alcoholic. He's coming up on 2 years sober. She's very resentful of all the time he spends on his sobriety, working the program, working with others, etc. Supportive of his staying sober, but not exactly supportive in what is required of that.....time and time and again they've had "the talk". Him telling her what he needs, how things need to change etc. Nothing ever changes but he hasn't had the courage to leave. One of the kids is his and the other is both of theirs. She favours the one that's hers...the first kid he had at 18 and the mother disappeared, so he's raised the first kid all alone. So....that's the background. We started talking online and sending texts messages back and forth, and I was just playing it off as making good friends. We discovered we even graduated the same high school the same year...but never knew each other. I started thinking back and noticing how I was drawn to him after meetings, thinking he was just a friend on the committee. Well...things have progressed. We're falling in love. We haven't done anything....just spent a lot of time together, talking, it's amazing how we relate to one another....I have NEVER felt this way, NEVER felt like I've waiting my whole life for this one person. He touches my hand and I feel it through my whole body. He finishes my sentances. He looks at me and knows what I'm thinking. I cannot describe to you how this feels. I've thought I was in love before, but now I KNOW. I feel absolutely complete when he's just near me. I feel lost when he's not around. Through our talks, he's realized that it's time to have another talk with her....he's realized that she'll never "get" him the way I do, because she's not an alcoholic. She can be supportive until she's blue in the face, but she'll never "get" it. So, as I type this, they're having "the talk". I have no idea what the outcome will be. All I know is that I want him to be happy about whatever happens...we've both talked to our sponsers, we both have a conscious contact with our Higher Power, I know that we'll be ok with whatever happens....but it HURTS SO MUCH.....we said goodbye today after talking some more and we knew it was the last time we'd see each other in the way it's been. Either he'll decide to leave and we can see what progresses, or they'll try and work on it yet again, and he and I will have an amazing friendship, and never ever forget this experience. He's taught me what it feels like to find that person....that person I've always wondered about, laying in bed thinking "what is "he" doing...who is "he"....".....now I know....what we have and what we have experienced is such a gift that niether of us will ever forget. So now I'm waiting. I'm waiting to see what God has in store for us. True love realized and relished, or true love realized and held back.....you know how they say you just "know"? I never understood that, because I never just "knew". Wow.....you really do just "know". I had to post this here. My pride was trying to keep from telling you guys this because I'm so afraid that you'll think I'm terrible. I didn't set out to fall in love with someone who has a life with someone else. I know in my heart that I am not the reason his life might make a drastic change. I was the catalyst, the trigger, the push. Of course I want it to work out in my favor, but at the same time I want them to work it out! Anyway....now I'm just waiting. Trying to clean up my apartment, watching romance movies on TBS. And going crazy....all I know for sure is that I trust in God, and I'm not gonna drink over this. Has anyone been through anything like this? Can you give me words of wisdom? I'm gonna post this in the Alcohol/Substance Abuse forum, but it fits here as well...and I need all the help I can get. Thanks in advance.

~Rayna

Rayna, Do you remember Bama?
Do you remember her falling madly in love with some guy? Do you remember her telling us that the sun and stars rose and fell on his behind alone?

I am not saying you are her, but be careful, be real careful. More drunks go back out over love gone wrong than you can shake a stick at. My advice, for what it is worth, is leave him the hell alone. If he is going to break it off with the other woman, then let him do it without any help from you.

It has been my experience that men almost never leave their wives for the other woman. Yea they hold hands and play patty cake, but they don’t throw a wife and kids in the dumper for the girlfriend. And if they do break it off with the wife, the girlfriend may have been the catalyst for that change, but she usually isn’t the recipient of this newly available guy. She helped him to break off a bad relationship, but some other girl gets him.

Rayna, I think the world of you, I really do, and I am only telling you my experiences in the hope that you won’t get hurt. Let him and her settle out whatever is going on between them alone. It is the rare woman, in your position that comes out the winner.

Let me tell you a short story… I was very unhappy in a marriage some years ago. And this really terrific woman came into my life. She understood me, and made me feel special. We had a passionate love affair, and in the process, I left my wife.

I am married now, to a wonderful woman, two kids a dog and a mortgage. The woman I married is not the woman I was seeing when I left my first wife. My story isn’t unusual at all. Be careful, I don’t want to see you get hurt. And I don’t want to see a broken heart threaten your sobriety.

Richard

I can not believe you are considering it with a married man. Ok so I can understand it but know it is not right. Cheese and crackers they have much to work out no matter if she is alcoholic or not. He's done much damage and just because he is sober you think all is past. What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? Yep you got it a sober horse thief.
think about it.
marriage is sacred and he needs to finish his journey there.

<font color="purple"> Rayna -

I know we haven't really met, which is a good thing for right now and this post but a bad thing bcuz I should have done it sooner..

So first, as an objective response being an outsider, I have to agree with Richard and Myln. This is probably going to be a disaster waiting to happen - and this kind of heartbreak could easily affect YOUR sobriety. I know for a fact that this is the LAST THING YOU WANT; and because of that fact, the worst thing you could do right now is add any kind of potential risky conseqences.

While I certainly can understand why you would be contemplating this, have you really examined the 'big picture'? I'm a little bit questionable in my faith right now, so I also commend and respect that you are trying, as well as doing, to leave this in God's hands and you will know the answer when the time is right. As difficult as it may be, the more you continue to pursue this, whether directly or indirectly, the more emotions will be put in play.

He needs quite a bit of time to work out the specifics with his wife as well. I again concur that her being an alcoholic or not is moot; the fact remains that he is still in a committed relationship that is [before you came into the picture] already having many challenges. This is leaving the door wide open for who knows what on his end alone.

All these thoughts have one common denominator: Your sobriety and well-being. I never intended this to be a lecture so please do not take any of this as such. I have only thought of your sobriety the entire time I typed this. I would think the same in every situation about every alcoholic because sobriety is priority #1. All I know is keeping your head up and clear, you'll keep adding a month and adding a month becuase you are also healing yourself - and 're-learning' how to deal with situations w/out alcohol. This is a HUGE HUGE situation that the negative consequences could lead to a re-lapse.

I do pray for you and this decision you have to make. I again am merely being an objective outsider for you and there is nothing but good intentions behind it. Regardless, I respect you and your decision(s) and will be there for you each step of the way so you do not have to be 'alone'. We're all here for you and care so much that I/We only are looking out for your best interests. Hugs to you hun and take it easy.. ~Niko </font>

Rayna, I know you are reading this.

I have no opinion on the sacred aspects to marriage. That is strictly someone else’s business. I will leave those judgments to those better equipped to make them.

I also don’t have any opinion on any other aspect of this deal except you. You I know, and you I care about.

Let me reiterate, do what your heart tells you to do, just be careful. You are at stake in this deal.

Richard

Thank you all so much for your post. And I will never take anything as a lecture, not in regards to my sobriety. I welcome any and ALL experience strength and hope, so please never hold back from sharing your opinions. If I get mad, I'll do a 4th step. =)

I feel an update is in order....Richard, you said to follow your heart, and man is that hard to do! It's so hard to tell if I'm aligning my will with God's or trying to match His will to mine. I turn it over constantly, I did a TON of writing, I've talked with my sponser and other alcoholics and I've talked to the guy - at lenth. I'm still definetly questioning question questioning. They have decided that breaking up is inevitable - they're not married btw. But how long will it be until the split happens? I don't know....he doesn't want to drop her flat on her face and I respect that. Am I keeping reservations in my head and heart? Yes. I was trying to fight the doubt, but I must be feeling it for a reason. This is all very new, and if the situation were different, if he weren't coming out of a relationship, I would approach it the same way, with apprehension. To save myself from getting too emotionally involved too quickly, like I did in the past. What I'm learning through this whole experience is to do things differently then I used to, which I surely have. We're not pushing anything. We're continueing to get to know each other and continueing to feel out the situation. Richard, I hadn't thought about Bama and her situation....that got me thinking. But I'm not making this guy my Higher Power. My sobriety is much more important than him, and his is more important than mine, that much I know for certain. I hear what you're saying though and I will continue to approach with caution. I'm taking it a day at time, just like I do my sobriety. I'm trying to keep expectations at bay, ie: not thinking that I can predict our future together as being long standing or forever, because I can't predict that about anything. I'm making sure to stay open to what "could" happen, so that I'm prepared if it does. I feel like we're approaching an unhealthy situation in a healthy manner, if that makes any sense at all! But there have been a ton of doubts when I'm not with him. When he's in the same room as me, I feel a lot better and we haven't been able to figure out why. Through reading your posts and writing this reply, I'm realizing that for me, I'm keeping healthy reservations to protect myself from heartbreak and relapse. So thank you guys! You helped me realize something here. I'll be sure to keep you posted. =)