[johnf22881]

I am going to try and keep this short, but there is so much to tell. Until I reached 14 years old, my life was that of a good, normal kid who always had fun, kept out of trouble, had plenty of friends. was a straight A student, was what everyone considered to be a star baseball player, and the like. Between 13 and 14 years old I started to notice a change within myself. I no longer felt like the normal kid I was and I didn't feel like I fit in with any of my friends (I have bipolar disorder and OCD and I guess this is the time I started developing them).

I completely changed and became a nightmare: I started hangng out with the "bad" kids, doing drugs and drinking, stopped playing sports, gave my father hell (I rationalized it as payback for years of abuse), stopped going to school II did end up finishing school through the mail), getting in trouble with the police and spent some time in juvenile detention, and other foolish things. I created such a bad reputation for myself that I still carry it with me today. I worked from the time I was 14 and actually saved a lot of money, enough to open a business (I did sell drugs, too, another stupid thing).

I opened a performance car shop when I was 18/19. I tried to clean up my act so I wouldn't wreck it for myself, but I lost everything. I lost the business after 3 years because I started doing coke, drinking, and developed an obsession for go-go bars. I also lost my driver's license several times for driving like an a hole.

After that mess I started working as a car salesman in 2005 (I worked as a mechanic before this job). I kept up with the drugs, drinking, and women obsession. I did actually get good at selling cars and actually liked it, so I decided to get help for all these problems after I got a DWI. I told my job about my drug and drinking problem and they gave me time off to get clean. I also found a psychiatrist because I knew something was wrong.

When I got clean I started going to AA/NA and became very good at my job. I ended up getting promoted several times. I guess because of the bipolar disorder I ended up quitting the same job over 15 times, and they thankfully took me back each time. In 2010 I fell off the wagon and started drinking again, no drugs though. I got another DWI and totalled my car (Thank god no one got hurt). After the accident I developed sleep problems, so work was starting to get very difficult.

I ended up selling a car to a go-go dancer. She saw I was tired and out of nowhere offered me crystal meth. I foolishly did. I ended up doing meth for a few months. Work noticed I had some kind of problem. I told them it was sleep problems from the accident. They let me go on disability, but ended up laying me off later. I collected unemployment and switched from meth back to coke. I ended up spending almost all my money on a 7 or 8 month coke binge. After I got hold of myself I asked my job to take me back, they did. I worked for 2 months and was able to stay clean. One day I hurt my back and the doctor wrote me a script for percocet.

Somewhere in all this mess I bought a book called the addiction cure. I read it and became obsessed with a story in the book about heroin. Somehow I convinced myself that it must be the best thing in the world because it sounded so great in the book.

Now I'm jumping back to the where I was talking about the percocets. I met a kid at work I could buy percs from and ended up replacing coke with the pills. One day the kid told me he was out of the pills but had heroin. I convinced myself that I had to try it. I snorted it and this became my drug of choice. I wiped out every penny I had doing heroin, I worked to do heroin. I stayed at the job another 3 months and woke up one morning and looked at myself in the mirror. I was disgusted with my life and decided to get clean. I quit my job, sold my cell phone, and fell off the face of the earth to everyone I knew.

I quit heroin cold turkey because I thought going through the pain of withdrawal would keep me clean forever. I stayed clean for 6 months. In that time I kept looking for a job that would be less stressful and one that I wouldn't know anyone at. I filled out tons of applications, got 3 interviews, but no job (I live with my grandparents if you are wondering why I am not homeless right now). I may have to go back to the car business, but I'll get into that another time (It's also hard to get into a car dealership without a license, except the one I used to work at which is bad news if I want to stay clean). A week and 2 days ago the kid I used to get dope from emailed me. Yup, I screwed up and have been doing dope for a week and a day now. I can't believe he had my email address, but what's more is that I can't believe I went back to dope! I have to get clean and stay clean or my life is going to be over soon. I have been to rehabs, meetings, and anything else you can name. I am so disgusted with myself!

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to be honest with whoever reads this and myself.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I don't have to tell you that you'll killing yourself. PLEASE -- call either NA or AA!!! Get to a meeting SOON. They'll welcome you with open arms! But go SOON. This is your life we're talking about! You've got to KEEP going to meetings -- you can't get clean and then STOP going -- those meetings have to be just like breathing. They've got to be part of your existence!! They ARE what keeps you clean/sober. The people there care and will help you thru this!

I'm a recovering alcoholic, and believe me I know what you're talking about. Booze is everywhere -- everyone drinks. Seems like the only place anyone goes anymore is where alcohol is served. So I just don't go anywhere with anyone. I can't! I've been sober a LONG time, but why take the chance?? I refuse to go back to that life again -- it was pure @##$!!!

Get some help -- either detox again, or meetings!!! But do it quickly cause your body isn't going to take much more! God bless and PLEASE let us know what happens, ok? We really care. Hugs, Lee

[Berly0384]

I just wanted to start out by complimenting you on your talent for writing. You definitely have a gift. : )
Anyways, our stories are very similar. I am also bipolar and just like my alcoholism have had a hard time accepting it. I just didn't want to be "crazy" and wouldn't take my meds as prescribed. I actually tried to manipulate them so I would go manic because I liked the high of mania. I just recently came to terms with this because I am lucky enough to be seeing 3 professionals currently and all of them reinforced the fact that I was bipolar; therefore, I thought I should listen to them and just recently started taking my meds as prescribed. My suggestion to you and this is just a suggestion is to take your meds as prescribed (it takes awhile to get on the right meds so don't get discouraged) and that will help you to get sober because it creates the stability in your life that you need to take the huge and difficult step of getting sober.
As for your addiction, I use to identify myself as a chronic relapser because I just couldn't get it. I'd have a yr. or a yr. and a half and I just couldn't seem to get it. I've found now that it is b/c I couldn't get honest, have constant vigilance, acquired other addictions like food and sex, got in relationships (basically used anything to take the focus off me and my mind), etc. etc. etc. But I realized I had to go through everything I had to to get to this point, I had to be brought to my knees to finally get this thing. I had to change everything and take every suggestion in the program, not bits and pieces of what I wanted to do because I am selfish and self-centered to the extreme and if left to my own devices I won't think of others and won't help them. AA is all about changing your thoughts and behaviors, having a psychic change, so that you won't even desire the drug lifestyle anymore because you wont act like a drug addict anymore. That's what I've learned, if nothing else listen to this: you have to change everything about you to make sobriety stick. But don't beat yourself up it took me 10 yrs. to "get it" and for some of us that's what it takes (it took my sponsor 10 yrs. too). I'll leave you with a quote, "Success is getting up one more time than you've fallen down." So get up again. Try this thing again. If you don't like it like they say we will refund your misery. I believe in you and I will pray for you. My higher power loves you and he doesn't want you to live like this anymore. Grow up and show up and you'll be fine.

[johnf22881]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ I don't have to tell you that you'll killing yourself. PLEASE -- call either NA or AA!!! Get to a meeting SOON. They'll welcome you with open arms! But go SOON. This is your life we're talking about! You've got to KEEP going to meetings -- you can't get clean and then STOP going -- those meetings have to be just like breathing. They've got to be part of your existence!! They ARE what keeps you clean/sober. The people there care and will help you thru this!

I'm a recovering alcoholic, and believe me I know what you're talking about. Booze is everywhere -- everyone drinks. Seems like the only place anyone goes anymore is where alcohol is served. So I just don't go anywhere with anyone. I can't! I've been sober a LONG time, but why take the chance?? I refuse to go back to that life again -- it was pure @##$!!!

Get some help -- either detox again, or meetings!!! But do it quickly cause your body isn't going to take much more! God bless and PLEASE let us know what happens, ok? We really care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for your response. I am going to a meeting tomorrow, can't get a ride today. I have no problem going to the meetings, but I really feel like they are a trigger because of the "war" and relapse stories we hear. I hear the story and get locked on addict thinking, it has lead to me leaving and picking up. I take responsibility for doing it and am working on my obsessive thinking. Again, thank you for your reply and advice. When I get in a situation like this, I cannot see the simplest of answers.

[madisgram]

first off ditto on berly's reply.
it's about acceptance of who and what you are and the willingness to see the change through. sounds like you've been going from one drug to another and getting the same results-problems from addiction. it's a very high price we pay just for an escape from real life. i'm bipolar and i self medicated, became an alcoholic until i knew it wasn't working for me. i hit my "bottom" and knew there was only one solution-abstinence. at first that was hard but i stuck to it. i had the "tools" and needed to use them instead of taking the "easy" way out. i wanted a sane life not an illusion.
in AA and NA they tell us addiction promises us jails, institutions and death. many of us sober today got the first two down pat. sounds like you also have.
so glad you posted, john. we're here to support you. no need to be disgusted with yourself. we have the disease of addiction but we can arrest it's damage by not using. glad u're here.

[johnf22881]

Originally Posted by Berly0384

I just wanted to start out by complimenting you on your talent for writing. You definitely have a gift. : )
Anyways, our stories are very similar. I am also bipolar and just like my alcoholism have had a hard time accepting it. I just didn't want to be "crazy" and wouldn't take my meds as prescribed. I actually tried to manipulate them so I would go manic because I liked the high of mania. I just recently came to terms with this because I am lucky enough to be seeing 3 professionals currently and all of them reinforced the fact that I was bipolar; therefore, I thought I should listen to them and just recently started taking my meds as prescribed. My suggestion to you and this is just a suggestion is to take your meds as prescribed (it takes awhile to get on the right meds so don't get discouraged) and that will help you to get sober because it creates the stability in your life that you need to take the huge and difficult step of getting sober.
As for your addiction, I use to identify myself as a chronic relapser because I just couldn't get it. I'd have a yr. or a yr. and a half and I just couldn't seem to get it. I've found now that it is b/c I couldn't get honest, have constant vigilance, acquired other addictions like food and sex, got in relationships (basically used anything to take the focus off me and my mind), etc. etc. etc. But I realized I had to go through everything I had to to get to this point, I had to be brought to my knees to finally get this thing. I had to change everything and take every suggestion in the program, not bits and pieces of what I wanted to do because I am selfish and self-centered to the extreme and if left to my own devices I won't think of others and won't help them. AA is all about changing your thoughts and behaviors, having a psychic change, so that you won't even desire the drug lifestyle anymore because you wont act like a drug addict anymore. That's what I've learned, if nothing else listen to this: you have to change everything about you to make sobriety stick. But don't beat yourself up it took me 10 yrs. to "get it" and for some of us that's what it takes (it took my sponsor 10 yrs. too). I'll leave you with a quote, "Success is getting up one more time than you've fallen down." So get up again. Try this thing again. If you don't like it like they say we will refund your misery. I believe in you and I will pray for you. My higher power loves you and he doesn't want you to live like this anymore. Grow up and show up and you'll be fine.

Thank you for the kind words and suggestions. I am on medication (Lamictal and Cymbalta) and take it as I am supposed to. I know it seems ridiculous, but I have never stopped taking any of my medications. I have been on many different combinations, this being the only combination that has helped with my anxiety and anger.

Every time I have decided to get clean I change my people, places, and things straight away.

I'll add more to this respnse, had it all written out and my psych central logged me out and I lost what I had written.. Needless to say,, I'm furious

[madisgram]

I'll add more to this respnse, had it all written out and my psych central logged me out and I lost what I had written.. Needless to say,, I'm furious

hi john, if you click on "remember me" when u sign in you won't find you time-out. hope this helps.

[noneedtoknow]

johnf22881-Just one more person that wants to support you as you make your choice for recovery. So glad to see you are going to the meeting. Reach out. Take the help offered. I remember sitting in meetings and when people would share their "drunkalogs" I would be salivating. I literally sat on my hands at times cause I wanted to drink. This will get better. One day at a time or 5 minutes if need be. You don't have to die from this disease. Please keep in touch here let us know how you are/how we can be of help to you. Peace

[gma45]

I can relate to your story, it sound similar to mine. I know for me right now going to meetings is all I have. I am hoping one day I GET IT! Don't give up people do care!

[RunningEagleRuns]

youve gotta change friends.. i think thats the most important.. at least thats what iv found, although it was just with my marijuana problem for me. good luck