[republic5]

I want to start by saying that I am grateful I have 59 days. I am working a good program (I think) with my sponsor, doing readings, reading self help books, forcing myself to fellowship, and in counseling. From the outside looking in I am doing all the right things. But from the inside I am really hurting.

My girlfriend of 4.5 years left me 24 days into my sobriety. Who knows what the real reason is, probably a combination of not being able or willing to deal with my mood swings and unpredictable behavior and also I think she realized that there is a whole happy life to live out there without me. I understand but it stings nevertheless.

My mind is telling me all of these horrible things like I am never going to get better; that I am never going to find a woman that was as wonderful as her; that I am weird and different because I left a group gathering with other AA's at the beach because I was bored and sad. I know people there and they are nice but I just wasn't comfortable, conversational, or happy. I tried to stay just a bit longer than I wanted but eventually I had to bail.

I suppose these are the types of things I am going to go through in early recovery... battling self-esteem issues, loneliness, etc. I don't want to be a drag but I feel like I am. I am stuck in my head all of the time, even when at meetings and stuff. I dunno, I guess it's a lot to handle all at once. I am in a new city where I moved 6 months ago. I don't really know anyone. I am giving up alcohol and drugs. I am taking a serious look at my life and trying my hardest to change for the better. And on top of that the one person that has stood by (enabled) me through it all has left.

I hate that this sounds like "poor me" but I am just really down right now.

[Leed]

This isn't anything unusal in early recovery, I''m sorry to say. People DO leave us when we first get sober, because we're not the same "fun-loving" people we used to be when we were drinking/drugging. We've changed, and the REAL 'us' comes out, and we're more controlled and quieter than we used to be. We don't go off half-cocked like we did. Our so-called "friends" find that they don't like us anymore because we're not fun-loving anymore, and don't go out and party anymore. So we do lose friends, and even significant others! I'm sorry your girlfriend left you after all that time. Perhaps SHE is also an alcoholic, and she doesn't want to get sober, so she left!

As far as your recovery, depression is quite normal early on because we're confused as to who we are! If you started drinking early on, you probably don't have a clue WHO you are, like me. I was SO confused and didn't recognize myself at all -- it took quite a lot of time in AA and working the Steps before I realized what I was all about and what I believed in.

If you hang with the winners in AA, it will serve you well. it sounds like your group does things together, and thats great! Stick with them, and call a member when you're having a rough time. Anyone will be glad to talk to you. Just be patient, and the longer you stay sober, the better you'll feel.

And CONGRATULATIONS on 59 days! That's AWESOME! God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[roads]

Let's see, republic5 ... You've got 59 days of sobriety and no girlfriend as a result. Hm, not exactly what you'd hoped for. But you're grateful that you're sober, and that's a good thing. The 12-step program that AA provides as a support system for recovery seems to be something of a natural fit for you.

I'm confused, though, about how this former girlfriend fits into your life. You say, "I am taking a serious look at my life and trying my hardest to change for the better." By which i think you mean this valiant 59-day success at living sober, right?

But then you say, "And on top of that the one person that has stood by (enabled) me through it all has left." the word" in recovery has a negative conotation, meaning helping someone go one using an addictive substance. So I don't know whether this woman who left was important to you in the early stages of your recovery and her leaving hard on you, or whether she enabled you drinking and her absence makes sobriety easier to sustain.

Whichever is the case, you're doing the right things to work your program and find strength through it. I'm so glad you've fouls this forum and hope you "Keep coming back!"

Roadie

[republic5]

Thank you both for the replies. I definitely recognized myself as being less "fun", if you want to call it that. The last visit we were low key and I think she resented me for not being able to let loose with her. Over the course of the next week she was out "having a drink" 3 nights of 6. However, I wouldn't say she was an alcoholic. I can't say that.

Regardless, I guarantee it had something to do with it. She wants to get out and have fun and since I am early in recovery I am very reserved and docile. I have to take things slow and seriously this time around because I don't want to go through this pain anymore. I see people now in the program that have just as much fun, as if they aren't even drinking. And eventually that is going to get old anyway... for me it already is.

I want a deeper connection, something her and I always struggled with but I started to really feel at the time she started to really NOT feel it. I don't know.. I will never know what it going on in her head. All I know is mine is completely spinning. I can't keep her out of my head. I am completely depressed. It's hard to focus at work. I'm insecure and terrified of the future. All normal from what I am being told.

I have faith that this experience with the pain associated with getting sober, figuring out who I am, facing who I was, and suffering through a break up all at the same time will mold me into a strong man into the future.

Thanks again for your support!

[ktbelle373]

Wow republic5, I am in almost the same postion as you. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4yrs 3 weeks ago. he started using again and i relized i couldnt save him so i let him go. I just started to go back to AA meetings. I havent been to one in 3.5 yrs even though i have 5yrs. I feel the same exact way you do about meetings and the poeple there. poeple think im doing well and there glad im back but i am so incredibly lonley and i feel like i cant relate to these poeple at all.I dont know what to say to them, i dont know how to be myself.the only person i could be myself with was my ex and hes gone.I'm trying to build friendships but its hard. I only have a few girls to talk to, i dont have any other friends. when im in a meeting i feel like i'm miles away from the whole group. everyone there has established friend ships and they all have so much to talk about with eachother, and im just standing there wanting to run out of there as fast as i can. I understand how alone you feel, i understand how much it hurts to grieve for the lose of a relationship. I think its AMAZING that you didnt go back out when your girlfriend left. I think you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Its totaly normal to be feeling the things you are feeling because you are new to recovery, after 5yrs of bieng sober i feel the same way you do. I encourage you to keep doing what your doing. you doing alll the right things. if you cant get away from the thoughts going on in your mind, thats ok, just keep working the program, like they say, it will do for you what you cannot do for yourself. and i think that we will both find that if we keep working the program we'll get to know poeple and build friendships, i think we will also loose all of the negitive thinking that goes on in our heads and we will change so much for the better. I wish you all the best, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers, hang on and i'll hang on with you.

[notz]

Everyone is a basket case when they first come in or get back to meetings and the AA group. I certainly was too. I had lost my best friends, alcohol and drugs. Mine was a dark and lonely place, surely like yours.

In meetings, I would become bored and struggle to stay to the end. Still do sometimes! I would count the tiles on the floor or bricks on the wall, anything to stay still. When the meeting was over, I would bolt for the door, I was convinced no one would want to be around me because I thought I was cat sh it on your shoe. It took time, but I found solace with these people. I just had to make myself spend time with them. I started adopting newcomers, not to be their sponsor, but just a friend. Working with others is very helpful.

Letting go of the past hurts, no 2 ways about it. Hurts bad. But you can't afford to go backwards, your life depends on your new decisions. Make 'em smart, ok? Of course, JME.

[madisgram]

welcome to the forum, republic5. i'm so glad you found us. lots of good support here and know that i had similar challenges when i first got sober. it's called a "rollercoaster" of emotions. you sound honest and with a good head on your shoulders. i too congratulate you on your 59 days sober. each day is another miracle for all of us. might i suggest something? speak with your sponsor. he may have some suggestions for you during these days. many of us felt depression and loneliness at first. not comfortable in your/our own skin. as you gain a good foundation in AA this will lift. you are beginning a new way of living. an incredible gift to yourself.
as for your former girlfriend. it's highly probable she felt she lost her "drinking partner". your sobriety made her nervous cause it reminded her she might have a problem too and she didn't want to look at that. it sounds like right now you feel the void of her leaving. i can assure you that void will be filled with lots of wonderful things. it's a side benefit of sobriety.
my sponsor told me many years ago this:
"j___,you didn't get sick overnight and you won't get well overnight". but the good news is if you stay sober your spirit will heal. your hope will return. your belief that you can make it is strengthened every day you're sober.
each day pick a quiet time to read parts of the Big Book. read the "Promises" for they will come true is we stay sober. for me it was beyond my wildest dreams.... a time to reflect. a time to look forward. a time to see the miracle of your sobriety. doesn't have to be a long period of time each day but you will benefit from this exercise. if your mind wanders acknowledge it then focus back on your quiet time.