Im a hustling pillhead

I havent been here in over a year and a lot has changed for me. The issue that seems to have taken over my entire life is pills.. my search for pills.. and the hustling involved to earn my pills. I dont get a prescription of my own so I rely on other peoples prescriptions and help them sell them for cash. Ive gotten down the trade and now people call me everyday to find them or get rid of them. Everyday of my life is now devoted to this cycle and the rest of my life is nothing. I have three children and its beginning to effect them. I have officially lost control of my life. I want to stop but its everywhere all the time in my face. The people involved in my scams dont respect me trying to back out to better my life and the number one person is my boyfriends mom who lives next door. She and her husband get several scripts through out the month and need me.. I feel they feed me to keep me like a pet. If its not them then its others and the neighborhood I live in is drowning in drugs. Everyone knows what Im about now. If i continue at this rate I will lose everything and or go to prison. Im very willing to quit and suffer a day or two through the withdrawals. I believe psychologically Im so tired of the **** Im done... But its smashed on my table ready to go.. I dont know what to do anymore.. I almost hate my life.. Im just so tired

get out.

while u still can.

for real.

it's damn amazing how ingenious we can mastermind our survival around our needs.

and the urgency of the need demands such brilliant calculation and what appears on the outside to be just dumbass addictive behaviour...is in fact highly intelligent maneuvering in amongst our environment.

...I'm not painting your butt pink and singin' songs here but it's true.

I'm a smart guy but lack the organisational skills you obviously have RIGHT!!

thats a hell of a setup you got on the move there and emphasis on the 'hell'!

cos it's ripping little pieces of your soul right off bit by agonising bit and it's not clear when the operation is running all smooth....but how often does it run smooth? ...only when we be all high

my guess is it's less than more and I know it's less than more and thats the migration of odds in the world of drugs....especially quicker when others are dependant on you and you are dependant on them.

you are doing your best....you have done your best...few could have made it this far and yep...

wind it down now....find a way to wind it down....first thing I would try to do is get away for a bit.

I had to do that many times ...and sure I went back left went back left again but I stayed away from that scene.....

monkey

i'm glad you posted. a suggestion but it is not all of the solution. commit yourself to stop. you're "sick and tired of being sick and tired", sounds like to me. plus it is affecting those around you that love you. have you considered going to NA or AA? there is a lot of support there and many ppl who have successfully stopped. also have you spoken to your regular doctor about this? he could also refer you so you can get professional help.

Pease, please, please get out NOW. You're commiting a felony, and many states could put you in prison for about a year. Go inpatient, talk to someone you trust and tell them the truth, change your phone number and move if you can. It's not worth losing your children and ruining your life over pills.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

I definitly need a place where I can be heard without judgement. Most of my family are out of state. My Mom and Sister are here and are both drug addicts. My Mom is in the worse stage, near death addiction.. my sister a recovering one. I always told myself I wouldn't end up like them and that I could be the strong one. I've tragically failed them and myself. I've failed my children. I'm just a failure with skills. A hustler. I always thought those people weren't the good kind ya know. I'm not so quick to pass those types of judgements now that I am one. The downward spiral of my life because of the choices I made. It's depressing but I have no one to blame although they certaintly don't help or even care to understand. I appreciate the kind words and understanding. Here I'd be told to toughen my pathetic *** up.. I'm seriously considering NA.. mainly for support. I just need things to be discreet. So far I've backed off my hot people, but since I've posted the original I set up many deals and was awarded for each. Total today I made 3 1/2 beans. Really I'm not to bad yet, I've stayed in the Loritab thing when others have graduated to Oxycotins and bigger boys. Here they say I hustle tylenol. But the law don't care about milligrams and colors... and thats enough to get out of this ****. I want to do this for my kids and I and everyone else can piss off.