Maybe this could help someone.

Today I was processing my life and came to my quiet and secluded spot underneath a bridge near a creek surrounded by a heavily wooded trail. There was silence and no-one could see me. I was processing my Borderline and my relationship with my adoptive parents. I was processing about obsessive thoughts and perceptions. I am 28 days sober.

What I learned was I do everything for a reason. I do things deliberately. Every chance is mine, each sober day gives me a clear mind to process with. My recovery is about leading me away from the lure of primal experiences of people, drugs and alcohol. I used back then for all the wrong reasons and justified these reasons as logical. I willed myself by sheer power of the mind into periods of depression, anxiety, mania and self destructiveness. Every thought and behavior is not without some form of control.

I am not hopeless or helpless. I have a good mind and worldly intelligence. I can choose to idealize and romanticize my adoptive parents but they are veterans of the same war as I am living through now. I am neither overtly manic or depressed. I am quietly content and in control of my behaviors, emotions and thoughts.

Every thought and every emotion or mental state is a matter of obsession and perception, everything is a choice, I make these choices that define the quality of my life, relationships and mental health. Being clean and sober gives me power over myself, not others. I can control myself and not idealize or de-value the experience and emotions of others. I must always ask myself why and process in a calm and unbiased view point.

I make a choice to love my adoptive parents in an unclear and confused state. They are human and imperfect as I am human and imperfect. I have strength and I have weakness. I have new clarity and confusion. Each day is a gift.

I can't let what other people think, define me or my emotions, they have a right to an opinion and to feel validated but it's my choice. I don't have to be anything like what people expect me to be all I have to be is myself. I don't have to avoid people or myself anymore. I have control.

And isn't it wonderful to be able to think CLEARLY like this now? Isn't it great to be able to talk and thing logically and not spew nonsense like we used to do? At least I did. LOL

And while I still fight with clinical depression, I don't have the maudlin, drunken, slobbering crying fits like I used to have, thank God.

Thank you for your post. And congratulations on 28 days sober!!! That's quite an accomplishment!

I'm sure your post will give others hope! God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

ispillcoffee, i enjoyed reading your post. it's wonderful that you now have the clarity to live your life clean and sober. if it were me i'd print out my post-yours-and reread it often each day. when doubt creeps in it can remind you why you changed your life 28 days ago. it's hope personified.

Thanks for sharing this thoughts! I loved your post and I learned a bit from it

Thank you for sharing your epiphany with us coffee...

When the 'fog' fades things become clear and crisp. Things are transparent in their reality, our choices seem sharper, as opposed to dulled via drugs and alcohol. The hazy perception we once viewed the world is sloughed off, and we awake to a beautiful perception. We are reborn! We are given a second chance...

I experienced this during the beginning of my sobriety as well...what a gift! Thank you.

Reminds me of a song.....I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, all of my dark clouds have disappeared.....or something like that! You are in control! Isn't clarity sanity? or so it seems awesome!