miserable diabolically mixed up twit!....

but nothing that unusual

depression:....I'm obsessed with sadness and the broken things in my life

confusion :....distracted by the inability to classify any of my depression...in a BIG way!...and the small things just urge me to enlarge them

pain :....I sit badly, walk too fast, stand all wrong tense and sleep so awkward all the excess bad energy in my mind makes my body do weird things....animal welfare should visit me and put me in a cage.

joy :....it is awesome when it arrives and I extend it to the limit, somehow?...and surreal emptiness enslaves me like a punishment after.

relationships :...I consider myself unsuitable for human consumption and force-fed maximum intimacy rations in solitary confinement.

am I a victim of this modern world?...or all the worlds ancient medieval and current just the same as the millions of people who have already died and some well and likely most in a bad way!
....like maybe I will... a consequence of my own foolishness?....and therefore my disgusting weaknesses?

a human slave to pleasures...that are spiritually impossible to sustain.

not with a good heart anyway!....and even thats a complaint!...sure mine is hard but I can still get upset?...what the F?

....and yet!

if I can continue to complain?.....then I am justified!...

I am addicted to problems

[johnf22881]

I feel the same way...

[madisgram]

oh dear J, it's a lot like about the glass half full or half empty. and.. attitude. ..and being grateful just for the day with no expectations. yeah there are times i struggle with self and life stuff but to get to the meat of the matter for me it's far better walking this earth than being in it. hope that isn't offensive to anyone. i've come to realize this is my only time here so i need to make it count. i just have learned to love life. took some years, therapy, AA, friends who really cared. and even tho you are critical but honest with how you see yourself i find you a pretty special guy. well okay, for real, i think you're a really special guy. i was once told to learn to love myself. gosh that was really hard. but it does make sense. we need to be our own best friend warts and all!!

thankyou madi J...

it bothers me to put this back up the top even for a minute ....but how else can I be real.?
...I don't want to come across self indulgent ...especially with such platitudes.....nice comments that you made.

but an absence of a response beyond a hug or thanks is likewise and otherwise unnacceptable to me.

thankyou.

I want what you have achieved

dm...

I feel this way sometimes..Okay, I lied, I feel this way all the time. Well, I think I am addicted to emotions. Why else would I keep going back to the horrible ones and expect something different?

I hang onto them, try to control them, try to manipulate them, try to stifle them and do everything but...just...feel them, but..I feel them too much. I need to let go of them. Sure I can maintain a false persona of infinite happiness and optimism or perhaps some insipid mania. I can show a facade to the world, but something in me craves emotions and yet, I crave peace and release from them.

I feel it.

And, sometimes I can let go of them..and I experience small moments of serenity and peace...but then they come back with my permission and the problems with them.

[shortandcute]

me too! sometimes i feel like i am being irresponsible if i am not constantly worried or upset about something--so sometimes i will make a mountain out of a mole hill