[dubblemonkey]

..whatever it is?... whatever the substance is?

this is a phenomenon I have noticed maybe I'm not the only one?

it's no lie!... I am allergic to my mind in it's 'natural' state!

but?...but!!...I just cannot escape from it any more...and for a while now.

it's only alcohol these days and it's been only alcohol for 4 years now...

but I just cannot blow my mind with it!...get really drunk...get really out of it!

lose my mind!....attend to my allergy!

today I payed again... a stupid price for another box of what is considered a strong beer... and I may as well be drinking water!

I want to lose control..I want to let my emotions explode I want to let my pure disgust and overwhelming love for life and the living... manifest!

it's always been this damn way..!!
the survival instinct is so powerful so strong...

the body the organs the brain the insane the same...
nothing happens!... sure there is an effect but the spirit remains intact the truth within the real self the one I'm so scared of treats me like crap by wasting all my deliberate attempts to destroy it!

nothing works it never did and it's not working right now

I cannot count how many times I risked my life....with the intention of dying...and the experience just passed me by like it was a strange dream...and I'm not the type to leap off buildings or bridges...I never wanted to be unrecognisable...

so this beer tonight?...it tastes like water

and?...sure I'm disappointed!....and yet?...
I'm not surprised

[optimize990h]

My only escape is sleep.

[madisgram]

i feel you know this already but here it is~
Late Stage Alcoholism

But as the alcoholic's drinking ]increases, so does the cellular demand for alcohol, to the extent that he can no longer forestall his painful symptoms without being constantly in a state of drunkenness. This is the final, deteriorative stage of alcoholism. At this stage the alcoholic's tolerance to alcohol lessens because of widespread organ damage, especially in the liver and nervous system. A minority, probably about 10%, die as a result of late-stage organ damage such as cirrhosis. The liver simply cannot perform its functions, and the blood has a steadily increasing level of toxins. The physiological damage is widespread: the heart, pancreas, digestive system, and respiratory system all have characteristic changes in the late-stage alcoholic. The liver, however, suffers the most extensive damage. Alcoholism - The Stages Of Alcoholism - Alcoholic, Symptoms, System, and Withdrawal - JRank Articles

when we are active alcoholics they state we have a desire for attention and self indulgence. some people sadly prefer to know they have an addictive personality but choose not to change. we get what we pay for.
for me that approach of ignoring what i already knew brought me to my knees. i didn't go down easily. but i was torturing my own self. it was time to change.

[We_do_recover]

have you tried mainlining the booze? hook up some medical grade alcohol mixed with saline in an IV drip. that'll do the trick

but seriously?

this happens to most addicts: eventually the drugs just stop working the way they're supposed to.

of course i'm not telling you what to do, here, just thinking out loud that maybe you might wanna think about stopping…

[avlady]

It must be awful to drink beer for you, i know i used to drink awhile then i would just crash. Years ago, several years counting teenage years, i would feel so terrible the next day. I don't know about all these beer commercials too. What are they teaching our kids? Think of how much pain you'll feel the next day the next time you go to the frig for one, can't you remember the pain from the night before? I know it's hard to do but a migraine to me isn't worth it.

I don't know, Madisgram, sometimes it feels to me like we beat our heads against a brick wall trying to help people. Please, no unkindness meant to anyone posting, but
it just seems so frustrating to see such beautiful, helpful articles written by you folks
and then to turn right around and see people being given the positive turn on to
keep up the habits that are destroying them.

This aspect of it all, I really don't get except to know that you can protect people only so far. Maybe that's what keeps you good folks working at it, and I think it
must also strengthen you. I just get weary sometimes; maybe this is one of those
nights.

Take care, good folks.

[dubblemonkey]

Originally Posted by genetic

I don't know, Madisgram, sometimes it feels to me like we beat our heads against a brick wall trying to help people. Please, no unkindness meant to anyone posting, but
it just seems so frustrating to see such beautiful, helpful articles written by you folks
and then to turn right around and see people being given the positive turn on to
keep up the habits that are destroying them.

This aspect of it all, I really don't get except to know that you can protect people only so far. Maybe that's what keeps you good folks working at it, and I think it
must also strengthen you. I just get weary sometimes; maybe this is one of those
nights.

Take care, good folks.

thats a bit 'special' gen..

maybe you have your expectations to glorious for this 'addictions' setting.

it's likely the most damaging of all afflictions.

there is no 'positive turn on'

I speak more honestly right here about my 'problem'...than anywhere else.

how can I determine what response I get?...and even more?...how can I manipulate anything in my favour?...especially when I am exposing myself as a degenerate!...a human failure.

I doubt it is that emotionally 'expensive' for those succeeding in the exact opposite to explain the virtues they have achieved...

for I have also been there myself.

I guess it was just one of those nights for you.

some of us have those 'nights'...throughout the daytime too...

it's not about protection genetic....it's about communication

[madisgram]

speak more honestly right here about my 'problem'...than anywhere else.

how can I determine what response I get?...and even more?...how can I manipulate anything in my favour?...especially when I am exposing myself as a degenerate!...a human failure.

ah mm, you hit the nail on the head re my response tho i was over the top perhaps. i care for you a lot. it pains me to see your struggle. as you know from my drinking career i went down fighting. how dare they say i must give up my 'best friend'! i was in a vicious cycle of self destruction. i loathed myself. i saw others 'get it' and i thought i couldn't get it. that only added to my low self image.
i got a 'little' intense in my original response. sorry. been stressed out over a health diagnosis. but no excuse. bad 'hair day'. thank you for understanding with your recent remarks. you're right i am sad you feel you are a failure. (i used to define myself as a worm). consider this-you have a (perhaps for any of us) a fatal disease. that doesn't make you a failure or a degenerate. it's a product of our perception having this active disease. but as you know only each of us can make the decision to prescribe the medicine to get well. i am very glad you're here. i am very glad you are so honest with us. that is the mainstay of this forum, imho. keep posting my friend. we're here for you.

Well, Dubblemonkey, for me communication is an effort to help. You may be right
about having too high expectations for people, but I do believe that everyone is
valuable as a human being and that communication is, in some measure, the willingness to share what has worked for us in our illnesses. Otherwise, IMHO, we may be just "whistling in the dark". That could be.

It's the statements like trying an intervenous injection of alcohol to receive easing of psychic pain is the type advice that is wearisome to me. I don't know
about others, but I suspect some here who have overcome alcoholism would be
very sensitive to that, as well.

Maybe I'm wrong, but life has taught me that what we do to or for others we also do to ourselves.

I will tell you that someone on another forum took such offense at my encouraging
comment as to ban me from posting on her comments. Go figure. It's all in the mindset, I guess.

[dubblemonkey]

genetic I think I mis-understood you...actually I know I did.
I'm sorry
I know what you mean now.

madisgram your message was fine and very appreciated too...

[Leed]

James, I've never known anyone to be as honest as you've been. When I read your posts it takes me back to the throes of my own alcoholism, when I was at my worst. I can almost feel when I was at my darkest -- and it scares me to death.

I really care about you -- I hope you know that. And you're NOT a degenerate. You're caught in this disease that we've all been caught in. Perhaps you're just not ready to surrender -- I can't say as I'm not you. But God I hope it happens soon. I've PRAYED for it to happen soon! I've prayed that God take you by the neck like He did me -- and force you to surrender like He did me!!! That was my first spiritual experience and I didn't even ASK for it.

You're not a human failure. This disease is cunning, baffling & powerful. But there is an answer if you want it. But you have to want it more than ANYTHING ELSE. I'm not necessarily saying AA -- but a power greater than ourselves maybe? God bless you my friend. Hugs, Lee

[stevbro]

You can contact a good substance abuse treatment centers or alcohol treatment therapist. It would be good if you come out from this abuse. I heard a counseling center that offers counseling and treatment for a variety of life's issues. You can contact them via ringer center Psycotherapy and substance abuse treatment.

[dubblemonkey]

you have got to be kidding me right?

lets just contact the happy sober teddy bear and everything will be ok...

it just does not work that way

[madisgram]

yes james i do understand your last post. for you and myself it seems, how low can we go? i was going under. but it got so d... bad physically and emotionally/numb that i finally got it thru hope. you can too but we do have to be ready completely. i didn't realize i was ready but i must've been. i'm not sure you're not there yet. but you are hurtin' a might much. what is needed i think is hope. imo. i finally found hope in desperation. i knew i needed my higher power to lift the obsession. that's how bad off i was...in a void, just breathiing air. i couldn't be successful no matter how much i tried. my prayer was answered. thank god. i hope you can find hope also. u're worth that miracle too.