[EternalWinter]

I was a very heavy, dependent, drinker. I would drink to deal with any situation, I learned to drink in public, at work, at school with water bottles of vodka every single day every where I went I had to have some sort of drink on me. If I didnt have vodka I would have a bag of beer and stop at places to drink in public washrooms or behind buildings while simply going to school. If I did not or only had a little amount, I would simply not leave my house and do my best to drink as little as possible and be nervously counting change hoping I would have enough change to get me something. But I always made sure I never ran out. I always pre planed for tomorrow.

I went to a detox, where they set me up with a leaving plan straight to rehab. So I went and have been sober ever sense.

I dont know what or why I am still sober, they really crammed it in to my head there that if I did not attend AA or some sort of support group I would be drinking again in no time. So far I have spent time with family and worked hard. I am not having it easy by any means the stress can be unbarrable and I am bipolar, have only been medicated sense leaving rehab. It was there with out alcohol I realized these mood swings are real I feel them every day. Now I still feel them and am working on med adjustments all the time, but unlike before, I do now have normal days. things are better

But I guess im just questioning weather I am or not an alcoholic. I do have an emotional attachent to alcohol where I cant wait for the day I can drink and be at peace for a few hours. But does that really mean im an alcoholic. Im one of the only ones still sober from my group in rehab. Could I have just been, a big problem drinker to deal with my mental illness?

Im not saying if im a problem drinker I can just go drink. Certanly not anytime soon. But when my life is more stable. Truth is, im going to do it anyway. I just want some opinions and help to figure out if a real alcoholic, could stay sober in my situation without any help. All opinions appreciated

[Yoda]

Congrats on ten months sober

Generally when one is an alcoholic it is not good to even have a single drink. What has made you begin to question whether you might be a 'real' alcoholic?

[EternalWinter]

Because it seems much harder for those to deal with sobriety, more importantly most of them dont last as long as I have the first time. I even learned this in rehab, the chances are not good.

Im not saying its easy for me, but i do think I CAN just simply not drink. There for I have a choice. While some others seem totally compelled to drink. Some people in AA say at times they had to stay sober by the minute to get by. Like ok ill drink when Im finished this smoke and then just keep pushing it off.

I push it off to but nowhere near the extent of those struggling with alcoholism it seems. I can say ill drink maybe next month if i want, and thats all it takes to hold me over, then I wont do it.

[Leed]

You said you were a "heavy dependent drinker" before you got sober. And now you say after your life is more stable, you're going to drink again!!! Don't you know that you're going to end up JUST LIKE YOU WERE OR WORSE??? Can't you see that? So how can you question whether or not you're an alcoholic, if you were a "heavy dependent drinker" before and had to go to rehab?

When you "go back out for further investigation" it WILL get worse. You can bet on that. Plus, your liver isn't going to like it and will begin to show damage at some point. Alcohol DOES kill the liver. And you cannot live without a liver. Did you know that they do not do liver transplants on alcoholics?

I can't stress enough that you should NOT ever drink again, after what you've been through but that's your decision.

Congrats on 10 months sober.

Eternal Winter, I want to congratulate you on remaining sober for 10 months.

I agree with the efforts to help you understand why you cannot drink. You recognize that you were alcohol-dependent. And you know that you have bipolar illness. Chances are you were "self-medicating" with alcohol as a treatment for bipolar illness. But you can't go back to drinking without making the whole situation worsen for you in a very quick period of time.

Alcohol makes bipolar illness worse. It is a central nervous system depressant; It also kills brain cells; I don't know about you, but I need every one I've got!

Alcoholism cannot be cured, Eternal Winter. It can be brought into remission but
never cured. The one thing in life that you cannot do if you want to remain healthy is to drink alcohol. You need to accept that you can never again use it and that to do so will eventually destroy your brain and your liver, the digestive system and who knows what else.

Please instill in your mind that you can do almost anything you want to do in life
except drink alcohol. That acceptance is difficult but it will save your life if you
apply it.

You are on the road to remission; please keep it that way. The decision is always yours.

[Tamster]

Eternal Winter congrats big time!!! I just hit 13 months myself and I know it isn't easy.
Some days are harder than others and the stress and anger bubbles to the surface but then I try to kind of reset myself by sometimes taking a nap or some fake retail therapy where I just go look at the things I want.
I was addicted to xanax, vicodin, fentynal and zanaflex until April 3 of 2012 when I just decided at home I could do it myself. and tapered off all of them a day at a time for about 10 days then my pdoc found out and put me in detox for a few more days but that was not for me. I'm not saying I don't think about using everyday well almost but I have done good and have had no benzos , or narcotics for 13 months. I do still get the shakes on occation but those do pass with a little mind control. You should talk to your doc before starting to come off these meds it is dangerous and I was foolish not to go into rehab first, I was just lucky. We cannot depend on luck to save our lives always.

[EternalWinter]

Thanks everyone for the good advice. I dont know why I cant make the most logical fact inplanted in my brain. 'I can not drink if I want a good life'. I do know why, anything to justify the addiction of drinking alcohol. But even though I learned this and acknowledged it. I still believe I am different.

But for now I will continue to stay sober and I wont forget how I got my life back because I stopped drinking. Even though I never cared too much about how long I been sober, I really cant wait for my one year sobriety. That way I know I can be sober everyday of the year.

[pixielou]

Hi Winter--let me add to the congrats. I had over 2 years of sobriety and am hoping I can do it again soon. I did a lot of AA meetings back then and someone once said only alcoholics wonder if they are alcoholics or not, or something like that. It kind of makes sense though. I also know that it is not a good idea to say that you are never going to drink again. It's best to take it one day at a time, it is the most successful way for a reason, because it works.

I think you have done a great job of assessing your life and your drinking relative to your bipolar and any other issues that you are trying to de-stress from, I know that feeling really well. It takes a long time to get used to a life without drinking. It takes a brave person to do what is best for yourself when you have an addiction, keep up the good effort.

[avlady]

Winter, i haven't had a drink in over 12 years, just to let you know it can be done. I think the question you're asking is if you are a true alcoholic as you've only tried a few times, but want a drink and are wondering if you started up again, if you will be an actual alcoholic because of that. All I know is that I HAVE to stay away or it will kill me. If i started up gain, i would not live too much longer as it would destroy my brain cells and my liver like someone else mentioned. Sobriety is my drunk, that is just how i look at it an that is how i feel. I need my sense of reality by not drinking, the whole world is different in the past 12 years. I hope you stick with the decision to not drink anymore, you'll be doing you and your body and mind a great favor. Good Luck!

[dillpickle1983]

CONGRATS! BIG TIME! Keep it up!!