[sobergirl]

Hi all, in less than a month I will have eleven years clean and sober. I have never wanted to get high in sobriety as much as I do now. I got clean and sober because the drugs and alcohol were messing with my meds so bad. My pill doc fired me because I was using. I was so suicidal at that time, so I went to rehab and have been clean ever since. The problem is that I am just as miserable now as I was when I was using, but I have no escape now. I figure I may as well have moments of serenity through drugs. Maybe I won't suffer all day and night anymore. Don't I deserve some peace? I'm not asking for someone to agree with my thoughts, I know I am thinking like an idiot. I'm just so frustrated and angry over my life.

[kaliope]

but I bet if you look back, there wasn't any serenity back then either. that's how this crazy thinking works. makes us believe it was good when it wasn't. im sure you have more serenity now, even though you are still unhappy, than you did then, when you were miserable and suicidal. you have worked really hard to get where you are today. don't throw it all away. you will just return to hell. take care of yourself.

[wadingthruemotions]

Originally Posted by sobergirl

Hi all, in less than a month I will have eleven years clean and sober. I have never wanted to get high in sobriety as much as I do now. I got clean and sober because the drugs and alcohol were messing with my meds so bad. My pill doc fired me because I was using. I was so suicidal at that time, so I went to rehab and have been clean ever since. The problem is that I am just as miserable now as I was when I was using, but I have no escape now. I figure I may as well have moments of serenity through drugs. Maybe I won't suffer all day and night anymore. Don't I deserve some peace? I'm not asking for someone to agree with my thoughts, I know I am thinking like an idiot. I'm just so frustrated and angry over my life.

I understand and relate. I made it 8 years. You are allowed to feel and think however you are. You are not an idiot for that. That is the biggest thing I had to learn and still have to tell myself every day the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night.

I am frustrated and angry over many things, life being the biggest of all.

You deserve whatever it is you feel you deserve in my opinion. If you want to delve into this more feel free to message me. I am no longer fighting one part of me any longer. I take the peaceful numb moments, hours if I can get them, and oh my if it turns into a day I am elated and enjoy it as long as I can.

[IndieVisible]

Drugs and alcohol was never a problem for me. I am a honest person (usually) so when they asked me if I drink or do drugs and i said yes, they sent me to a drug group therapy and alcohol therapy and listening to their stories I could tell I didn't need to be there as I had none of the issues or problems they had. I stopped going. Now when I'm asked I lie.

I do understand that a lot of people have serious issues with drugs and alcohol and become dependent on them to cope. For people like that I do believe group therapy would be helpful.

Cravings will never stop. I can still taste and smell crack cocaine and I have not done any in 10 years. I simply decided I no longer liked it and stopped on my own. Yet I still get cravings every now and then. Hopefully you will get to a point where you find your cravings humorous and not a threat for you. I wish you the best of luck.

[sobergirl]

Thanks for everyone's input. I am starting on Lithium tomorrow and I hope that it helps allot. I have been really suicidal lately and I think that's why I am getting the f'its about my sobriety. However, if they ever determined that pot helped people with depression, I will be the first one in line to get some.

[wadingthruemotions]

Originally Posted by sobergirl

Thanks for everyone's input. I am starting on Lithium tomorrow and I hope that it helps allot. I have been really suicidal lately and I think that's why I am getting the f'its about my sobriety. However, if they ever determined that pot helped people with depression, I will be the first one in line to get some.

Depends on what is causing the depression honestly to see what helps with it. If it is a disorder you have then meds may help at least level out the moods and the swings enough for you to determine the cause (maybe) and deal with them. Hope you are lucky enough to figure that out. If it is situational then the situation once dealt with will ease the depression. etc

I wish you luck. Life is one big suck ball. Yes it does have some good moments in it, but overall it kind of feels like if hell does exist we are already here trying to make the most of it while we are here. Just my take on it.

[wisedude]

Marijuana can help some people with moderate depression, but in some people it can also magnify emotions and thoughts already within them.

It sounds like you have bipolar if you are going on lithium.

I don't know what drugs you did, but alcohol or stimulants in particular could severely aggravate your condition.

Good luck.