[Mustkeepjob32]

In the past, I've frequented the Depressoin, Anxiety (biggest problem), and BPD, forums, but I'm adding this one.
I wrote a long post in the Anxiety forum about all my life issues right now, but the biggest is not being able to keep a job for as long as I remember. Now it all relates to anxiety and I get so anxious that I can't get up and just go to work, even though when I have in the past, I do feel better. The problem is that for years, when I work, I would drink on my days off with a "buffer" day to heal up with the hangover and everything. It didn't matter. If I drink, it sends my brain into a tailspin where I'm in a personal hell for at least a day or two. Horrible anxiety haunts my every existence and despondency.
My current job, I can salvage, but it is new and I've already missed like two weeks, while my manager is understanding, I feel that it is even insurmountable at this point. This makes me scared because after 20 or so jobs in the last few years, I worry that each job may be my last. So over and over again, I forget that alcohol does this to me or don't care, and I drink. This is the problem. I honestly say I never want to drink again but I know tomorrow or the next day I'll be wanting to drink. I'm packing up and going home for a while so I won't have money/chance to drink anyway.
HOWEVER, I can't ever risk drinking again next time I start a job because it is certain ruin. I've purchased "Unwasted", a good book about someone's sobriety and am looking into SMART Recovery. I am not really into AA. (Actually I'm without a car and live in Tijuana) It would be hard make it to meetings there, plus EVERYONE knows me in the colonia where I live, I prefer to do things online. I know I do need help and and am just saying hi here in this post and telling you what I plant to do.
Not drinking when I'm without a job is not a big deal, because the stressors aren't there I guess. But as soon as I have a job, my brain is used to getting a reward for a hard days work and then everything goes to hell. Does anyone have experience with this? I know there are lot functioning alcoholics and I'm kinda jealous of them because they can hold down a job.
Thank you all for reading.

[layla11]

Hi, I quit drinking almost three years ago and have managed to hold on to my job. I know if I would have continued I wouldn't have had a job either. Or probably much of anything else including my health. I just got sick of it and was ready to quit, but I know how it feels to want to drink. I do other things now instead of drinking, coming here to this forum is one of them. I enjoy shopping and others things and do these things to reward myself. I know how hard it is to work when you are full of anxiety. I hope things get better for you. I see a doctor and the right medications made a big difference in how I feel and cope with things now. I'm Bipolar. Just hanging in there. But not by a thread that's for sure, I don't miss the misery that came with the drinking, it took me a long time to get over it.

ps you can have a better life

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thanks layla, good for you for quitting and keeping the job. I look back on my life and even before I started drinking, I had trouble keeping jobs due to absences. I have problems with following through with things. I can't believe I finished my trade program. But I had a huge support system at that time and friends.
Alcohol is sure a miserable thing. I don't know how I got sucked in. Well actually I know how but it saddens me that once again something else has grabbed hold of me. I need to break the pattern, for my next job, if there is one...

[layla11]

I have times when I want to go back to the old ways, but my desire to stay sober is stronger and keeps me that way. This is because I felt the way you do and was also very hard on myself. I have so much more respect for myself now. Not just because I don't drink, because Im not going to beat myself down or let anyone else beat me down. So what if you missed work, you can try again.
Something better may be waiting for you. You are looking for the answers in your life and you will find them and once you do you will know it. You not working doesn't make you bad in anyway, I'm sure your a very nice person and deserve to be treated that way, be kind to yourself. Try to take one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. Job or no job.