[anxiety247]

I got sober on my own didn't do any 12 step programs bc I am unable to attend due to my social anxiety. Holidays are difficult I know for everyone this time of yr it seemed to hit me a little harder. maybe bc my circle is growing smaller - down to neighbors which I am good to be around just in the apt and not to do anything out in public as I have expressed I would like to do stuff - I feel rejected - and like this particular neighbor is embarrassed to be around me because the way I dress - baggy clothes (nothing i have fits me right because I have a eating disorder and my weight is a yo-yo and can't afford new clothes) I have no teeth nor dentures (I feel like rudolph bc nobody lets me join their reindeer games lol sorry) plus my house I have barely any furniture. So how this all ties in to relapse - other day we had new windows put into our apt - the neighbor told the men I was just moving in (I been here 2yrs and I accept this is what I have RIGHT NOW) that wasn't her place to say anything - made me think she was embarrassed for me - she came home from some event i was outside smoking and I didn't see her - she called me to say sorry she sped quickly past the house her friend the dentist was running her to the store - again i felt like she was embarrassed to be near me - did I need to know it was a dentist friend of her's??? Would she not be accepted by her dentist friend bc her neighbor has no teeth and is poor?? Anyways all those hurts added up and I have no family left and truly one friend that lives far away and I feel beyond isolated. I been on a waiting list for a long time for therpy/meds - begged my Prim doc for meds and I am not one to take them but the anxiety is extremely bad and the level of functioning is so low. Doc says he can't write for psych meds - figures when I finally want them i cant get them.. I called AA's central ofc because I was afraid of a relapse - I explained I had 3yrs clean and he asked if I called my sponsor I explained I dont go to meetings - he went on to say my time did not count and I was a dry drunk . I just felt rejected (from all above)and isolated that alcohol seemed to be the right answer...I felt so good my anxiety didn't even exist I was laughing and singing and ok being alone...neighbor got involved bc I was cranking music and singing - she calls another neighbor - both of them are in AA and they talked to me for a bit - the other women suggested I go to a meeting right away - I WISH i could just go to a meeting but I have horrible social anxiety and am agoraphobic (hell most days i cant get of the house) - with that neighbor I mean she means well I just cant go til I get this damn anxiety in check....I felt like **** for the relapse it was really stupid. I feel ashamed of being drunk around them -- now both of them have kept their distance from me just what i needed more social isolation....3days sober now - Next few weeks are going to be equally hard - my mom's anniverisary of when she passed away is coming up (1/7) followed by the next day being my bday - it was very traumatic and still is as I found her dead. I have really bad PTSD bc of it - I hear a siren from an ambulance and I am right back there and if i touch anything cold it triggers it too.... sorry for long post!!!

forgot to say in my drunken state I changed my cell # - bc I knew Christmas day the phone would not ring. Pretty screwed up thinking. Plus i been deleting posts on FB bc anything I post no one ever says anything and it is positive things - I just feel like I am disappearing in this isolation

[thickntired]

Hi. Some alternative help for alcoholism are AA online mtgs, Rational Recovery, or a good website is
http://www.soberrecovery.com/

I'm so sorry about your Mom. I also used to self medicate for ptsd. I really hope you're able to find support soon with therapy and medication. Another thing is alcohol is a depressant and drinking will stop meds from working property. I still after a year get anxious at AA mtgs. Sometimes I come early to sit by the door, leave early and pass on talking. The holidays are very hard and it's a common time for ppl to relapse. I cried for days between Thanksgiving and Xmas. I think you should feel proud that you were able to get sober without support and don't beat yourself up for relapsing. Almost every addict has been there. What's important is what you do with your life now. I hope you can move on and use tools to get back on the wagon. I self medicated my ptsd and many other illnesses with drugs and drinks. All it did for me was add complications and stopped my meds from working. This is a new year, and I hope you can clean the slate and forgive yourself. Be proud that you with no outside help you achieved sobriety. That is a great achievement and shows determination on your behalf.
I'll have a year sober 1/20/14 if all goes as planned. Message me anytime as I can really relate to your obstacles.

Peace. Tnt

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[emgreen]

Thickntired gives some great advice. At one point in my sobriety I had 9 years in...& had a relapse. I don't even count my sober time anymore, as I've discovered that the only day we have control over is today...In other words, one day at a time. I read a statistic once that stated only 5% of alcoholics maintain continuous sobriety once they stop the drink/drugs. If these statistics are to be believed, you're not alone. Although I attend AA, I can relate to your social anxiety preventing you from attending meetings. There are times when I'm depressed or hypomanic that I stop attending. You're not alone there either. Good luck on your journey to abstain one day at a time. Don't beat yourself up.

[avlady]

One day at a time heard over and over but thats what it takes, and i wish i could take my own advice, some dsys aren't as bad as others, but im not drinking for almost 20 years, but the part i have to take one day at a time is the fear of driving and being in trafic. This is because i am disabled and can't drive and i am so bad emtionally, i never will be able. I don't even understand things on the road,my husband drives and i get really scared. so i have to take it one day at a time hope this helps