[wisedude]

Hi.

I am out of control, though you would not know it.

I live with two beautiful young women, and a young child (a girl, 4).

The women they are like family to me, not and never would be involved with them in any way.

Lots of people love me, highly regarded. I always behave myself.

But I am out of control.

There is a precription stimulant type drug called Modafinil which I take, it has NOT got a reputation for addiction, but I am TOTALLY hooked on it.

The MAXIMUM dose you are supposed to take is 400mg per day. I take at a MINIMUM 2000mg per day, and often in excess of 3000mg.

I also drink frequently, typically between 6-18 beers in a single day! (full stubbies of full strength beer).

Yet I maintain everything, I am supportive of everyone, I behave appropriately BUT I CANNOT STOP, or I feel atleast feell like I can't!

I am also quite obese and weigh around 130kg, I each far too much, I can't stop myself, I am very unfit.

I am also addicted to nicotine chewing gum and chew 3X (at least) the maximum dosage I am supposed to chew!

At least I am not doing various other drugs at the moment that I used to do!

I should probably be dead or something, NOBODY take the sort of dose of Modafinil that I take!

Psychiatrically for some strange reason I seem to be doing very well at this point in my life, its just I can't stop all these compulsive addictions!

Nobody really knows or suspect how bad the situation is, I hide it from them, everyone thinks I am fine, despite my bizarre sleeping patterns.

I don't know how I manage to keep my act together, manage to hold my life together. I have fears that the Modafinil and Alcohol could SCREW up my health or kill me, not to mention the obesity!

To be honest, I half expect to just DROP DEAD, it would not surprise me if my body completely packed up.

I have always done WAY TOO MUCH DRUG/

Before my current prefences I was smoking Marijuana non-stop, doing a lot of Xanax, also Ketamine and dong various opiates such as Fentanyl and oxycodone!

I am 38, and I am probably very lucky to be alive, and very lucky I am not totally messed up my brain, because before the above drugs, I was doing MANY other drugs such as LSD and a whole heaps of others on a very heavy basis.

I spend a lot of time playing with the 4 year old girl, she really loves me to pieces. I feel bad if I drop dead, it would not have a good impact on her.

I have been supposed to go into some counseling for drug problems, but I missed the appointments- I am pretty slack and unreliable. Yet I am not trust of doctors or professionals, I don't trust them enough to explain my situation.

Any advice?

Sorry about the errors I have noticed above, but I am in a rush (going to bank, get more money for more Alcohol, just popped another 800mg of Modafinil so that i am not tired).

Been chewing nicotine gum (HUGE AMOUNTS) for over a decade.

Can't control my addictions. I have always have an extremely addictive personality. I have always been weak willed.

[arachnophobia.kid]

I also struggle with kicking some of my addictions, but I have kind of been successful from time to time I guess.

I suggest that you consider going to counselling even though you may not trust the doctors, it may be unappealing to you now but you never know until you get there whether or not it is going to help, I think it's worth a shot anyway.

But if you've decided that that is not an option for you, one thing that helped me a lot was to constantly research the negative health effects of what I am taking. Whenever I would get a craving I would go online and search for "effects of _______ abuse" and I would learn about liver cirrhosis or brain damage and doing that helped me to kick all drugs and alcohol for about a year. I never went to a program or anything. Although I relapse now... I'm still better off I'd say.

Also I would suggest looking to a higher power. I won't say anymore than that cause I don't want to offend you, I know it can be a touchy subject with a lot of people. But if you're up for it, do some soul searching, you may find it helpful.

[gma45]

Sorry things are getting out of hand but it sounds like you know what you need to do. Keep your appointment and run don't walk in and get some help! You sound like a good person and I am sure your room mates would miss you if you were not around. You may not be keeping it together as much as you think. Maybe try an NA meeting, but take care of yourself people do care!

[bird_lover]

You sound like a good person, and you do realize you need help. Obviously, because you posted this. I have been through addiction, not as severe as yours is, but people around me have also been down the path you are going down. I have watched it. You are too young to face something seriously wrong with your body. I don't want to sound harsh, I don't. But don't you think that little 4 year old can see something is amiss with you??? Don't you think the 2 ladies you reside with can see you just self-destructing before their very eyes??? I am sorry, again, but I have done illegal drugs, you can only hide destructive behaviors for so long..... People are relying on you, whether you realize it or even care, they do. You are a part of people's lives. I know you can't stop and maybe in your own mind you really do not want to stop either. I used to hate (with an absolute passion) going to a psychiatrist, but there comes a time when you have to force yourself. When you need help, when you can't do it on your own, you need help. Even if you truly don't care about yourself as much as you want to anymore, please have the heart to care about that child and those 2 ladies, I am quite sure they do not want to be seeing you in a casket anytime soon......

[luckyl3]

actually, the stuff does have a reputation for abuse....but yeah, the dose you take is CRAZY. in a weird way your sort of speedballing. upper and downer.

mixing it with booze is how it's abused (or, at least that's supposed to be how it feels best). i think like 400mg at a time, drink your face off, enjoy the totally euphoric yet (apparently) clear buzz...then when things start to get fuzzy pop more pills and keep chugging along. all i can think is good way to get alcohol poisoning...

go easy on yourself and smack the idea of *weak willed* out of your head. addiction has nothing to do with will - if it did, there wouldn't be any addicts. we all have the will to not use....that's like telling someone who's stuck in an undertow and drowning "just swim!".

that's a lot of stuff on your plate wisedude; don't punish yourself and force yourself to do it all alone. if one of the women you lived with sat down and told you all this about themselves what would your advice be to them?

[too SHy]

There comes a turning point with excess, you just figure it's not worth it. You are certainly not getting any younger.

[rxtweeter]

I have addictions to food, sex, and gambling. I am always struggling with one of them or all of them. I am so sick of being so impulsive and compulsive. It is easier as I get older but I am still getting myself into trouble and suffering. Sometimes I wish I was dead. I dont' want to commit suicide but being dead sounds really good.

[Scout Annalee]

I just learned that my son has been trying many different drugs in a fashion similar to yours. Unfortunately, he didn't stop with LSD. He felt it was speaking to him as a life philosophy and then took a large amount of a drug he thought was LSD but was a new synthetic chemical called 25i. He hasn't come back yet and I'm super scared for his mental health and whatever will come next.
I find the similarities in the fact that he pushes to extremes, yet puts on the daily facade of normality. He is very high functioning, smart, creative and more. However, his path is going to be a very dangerous one if he doesn't recognize his history (that I hv recently learned about) of bingeing on different drugs.
Your daughter if 4 and unsuspecting...for now. That might give u the "permission" to continue this life style. I think you need a life changer. Would u want her doing this to her body in 10 years? It's more than what u are doing to yourself, it's about her role model, her parent and how her understanding of drugs and alcohol will be defined.
Tell the women you live with and get help. Maybe record a daily log or week of what you take and get help. Walk into an er and see if they will help, at least with blood tests and referrals. Maybe you just need a safe place to clean out and then work on changing your choices in life. If you can't do it for yourself, know you are doing it for her.
This is only my opinion. I hope it might help. But you are the one that would hv to do it. Be brave and stay safe.

[Tist1975]

Regarding those ladies who are with you, maybe they really don't know, but knowing a woman's intuition, they might have suspected that something is wrong, just not sure what it is.

Admitting the problem is the first step. And the people around you would be a good motivation to change for the better. Not that they'd expect you to get clean, but the thought that they will be sad if something happens to you.

Good luck.

[little_me]

Hi! I was prescribed modafinil, and then later, nuvigil. My doctor nicknamed it the CEO super drug because it keeps you awake and alert. I don't take it any longer, it made me too jittery. My cousin has narcolepsy and she is prescribed to take 400mg a day to keep her from falling asleep, but she says that her does isn't high enough for her. She's 5'4" and weighs about 103 lbs. I know that modafinil is also prescribed to help patients with addictions to stimulants to help them wean off. I don't necessarily trust doctors, either, but it's worth seeing a couple to get some opinions. At least have blood work done to make sure everything else is okay. My doctor always does blood work on me before prescribing me anything