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Old May 03, 2014, 10:02 PM
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thickntired thickntired is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2012
Location: South USA
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Hi,

I got sober about 13 months ago and have been married 6 years. My husband is what I would call a functioning alcoholic. It's funny bc I joined AA to prevent divorce. I was smoking a ton of weed which my husband hated and blacking out at all functions. But I stayed in AA for myself, 30 years of drug abuse is exhausting.

So, now my husband acts like I can't do anything right and he's hateful. He has called me an AA fanatic, self-absorbed, and grills me on if I have walked everyday. I'm feeling so insecure and his attitude just makes me feel worse about myself. I do not want drugs in my life, but I will say that things were a lot easier. In recovery, I have gained a lot of weight, been to the psych ward twice, and made the mistake of nagging my husband for drinking and smoking cigarettes.

I could see where he thinks I'm moving on with my life and judging him for his lifestyle. He is also not included in AA where I've made a lot of friends and go to events as well as meetings. He doesn't not support my sobriety; he drinks and smokes outside and not in front of me. He also has said that AA and my sponsors are helpful.

Right now my meds need to be changed because the Seroquel and AP's in general are horrible for my health, and I just found out I'm in menopause. I am going through a ton of crap and worry that he is going to leave bc I'm too high maintenance. In the first years of our marriage I was a totally different person; I used to love to play music and dance around the house plus I always had people over to party. I'm just not that person anymore and I wouldn't change that for anything as I'm very dead set on sobriety. But right now it's hard to get out of bed with my hormones out of whack. Also, people in general think hey you got out of the psych ward so you're cured.

Has anyone else felt a big disconnect in their marriage over getting sober? I feel like he takes me for granted because I'm a burden.

Tnt
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  #2  
Old May 04, 2014, 07:15 AM
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Altered Moment Altered Moment is offline
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Location: Michigan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thickntired View Post
Hi,

Has anyone else felt a big disconnect in their marriage over getting sober? I feel like he takes me for granted because I'm a burden.

Tnt
Yes. It is actually very common but you wouldn't think so. We all think things will get well and wonderful in our relationship because we got sober. Wrong. The dynamics all change. At least that is how it happened to me.

My wife was going to Nar Anon (same as Alanon) for a long time when I was using and that was great. As soon as I got sober she quit going. I was all fixed so what was the point. I tried to get her to go to Alanon but she wouldn't have it. There was nothing she needed to work on, I was the problem in her view.

And she did get very jealous of AA and all the friends I was making and how excited I was about it. She felt totally left out. I wanted to share it with her and she didn't want to hear it. Plus she knew there were probably cute girls and the meetings and my mind was wandering.

We were together for 10 years and married for five. We had a three year old daughter when I got sober. A little over a year I decided to leave the marriage. There are a whole bunch of reasons and I am glad to elaborate if you want me to. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from the three year old little daughter sitting in the living room knowing things would never be the same for her. We did go to marriage counseling for a long time.

For us with dual diagnosis it makes everything that much harder. My depression actually got much worse after I came off the pink cloud and had a couple of years sober. The self medicating actually worked for some time. Not in the long run though. It made things much much worse that last five years. I obviously don't recommend going back to that but my depression has been a huge struggle all the years I have been sober.

And then you say your husband is a functional alcoholic. If that is true chances are things are going to get worse for him. To us men functional alcoholic just means we show up to work everyday and pay the bills. It doesn't mean we are good husbands or fathers. I wasn't. I was "functional" for many years. But not at all a good husband and father. It wasn't until I started getting fired from jobs that I hit a bottom. All my self worth was tied up in my job. I was taught by my Dad that my job was to work and provide for my family and it ended there. Being emotionally available for my wife and daughter and all of that didn't way into it. As long as I provided I could do whatever I wanted with my time.....or so I thought. AA taught me much differently. I have been there for my daughter to the best of my ability but the depression got in the way a lot. My ex wife and I are really good friends and help each other out when needed. so it turned out good in the end.

I am happy to elaborate on how all the dynamics changed and how it ended if you want.

There is the chapter in the book called the "family afterword". I can't really remember how helpful it might be to your situation.
__________________
The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman

Major Depressive Disorder
Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun.
Recovering Alcoholic and Addict
Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide.

Male, 50

Fetzima 80mg
Lamictal 100mg
Remeron 30mg for sleep
Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back
Thanks for this!
thickntired
  #3  
Old May 04, 2014, 10:03 PM
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thickntired thickntired is offline
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Location: South USA
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Hi Zinco. First off thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate you. Wow! You guys actually had a better shot Imo because your wife actually tried Alalnon and you all have a child. I'm thinking you're younger than us, but we can pm on that. I often think yeah my husband is really helping me now in a financial way but he's never here when he's drinking. I imagine he feels that I judge him, but after alanon I quit making remarks re drinking and . cigarettes. What I don't want to become is his full time nurse. He's 54 and has been smoking since he was 13 and drinking about the same. He kills me because to him he's not drinking hard liquor so it doesn't count. This is how I feel I can label him - in 98 degree weather and hotter he will stand in the freaking garage to smoke cuffs and drink out of his boxes of red wine. That's so disgusting, hot red wine out of his nasty glass with gnats. I mean who does that but an alkie? I get scared too because I can no longer tell when he is sober ,buzzed or hammered. I usually get the hammered when he's lying on the floor. What really scares me is I have a friend in AA who was just like that. She would call me in blackouts and sound completely sober. Well, she just got out of a string of rehabs and found out she has the beginnings of wet brain. I know we're not supposed to live in the future, but I just see myself laboring for years over this condition. When I was in rehab they said a woman around 60yrs was admitted and she just sat in a corner in her diaper. She ended up in the state psych ward. My husband laughs at these stories and thinks stupid brainwashed members. And as I'm going thru the hardest dawn chapter in my life - I have to walk on eggshells around him. Yet, I may be signing up to spend my golden years with a person who has. Copd, a hole in his trachea, or full on wet brain which is akin to a frontal lobotomy.

I'm really glad for you that you're strong enough to stay sober and be a good example for your daughter. Dual diagnoses socks. I always cringe at mugs when they say a person is crazy and when they talk about how we're not unique individuals and find the similarities. Because member xyz who has done the steps 6 times and is a sponsor has the same amount of time as I have. I know it's not a competition but damn it is not the same for people who have been self meditating mental illnesses.

Thanks so much again for sharing your story. I'll definitely be in touch.

Tnt

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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Erma Bombeck
  #4  
Old May 04, 2014, 10:04 PM
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thickntired thickntired is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2012
Location: South USA
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Oh and haha my sponsor just told me to read the family afterward and page 417 on acceptance.

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__________________



There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Erma Bombeck
  #5  
Old May 05, 2014, 07:08 AM
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Altered Moment Altered Moment is offline
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Location: Michigan
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Yeah dual diagnosis makes it much tougher. There are many of us in there though. Find people in your group and town who also suffer mental illness and it makes a good support group outside the rooms. Thats what I did. Not really on purpose, it just happened by being honest about it with people. Sometimes I would talk about it in meetings but you might get negative feedback from some....outside issue, just work the steps, you are not sober if you are on those psyche meds. Crap like that. I said screw those people and talked about it anyway. People would come up to me after the meeting and say I am dual diagnosis too. Of course it is related to our drinking and using so not an outside issue imo. How can you chair a meeting and tell your story and leave that out, self medicating was a big part of it.
I applied the steps over and over to my depression. It didn't work. I don't know why. It sure worked to take away the obsession to drink why not the depression? Doesn't work that way. As you know we need lots of outside help. I hope they get your meds right. I gained a lot of weight after I got sober too. I needed to after all the meth use but I gained to much and as I get older I gain more and it is hard to get rid of it. Meds can cause weight gain too. The AP's especially I hear.

It was in 1995 when I got sober and 96 when I got divorced. I was 32. I don't know if we stood a chance, alot of damage had been done. mostly all my fault. Sure she went to Alanon for awhile before I got sober and good for her but then she quit going after I got sober. she was supposed to keep going and be a part of recovery for both of us.

I went to Alanon for many years. It helped me a lot. I had a string of unhealthy relationships after I got divorced and found out how condendent I was. I grew up in an alcoholic home and codependancy just becomes part of it even if you end up being an alcoholic. The codendency and depression issues were in face after a couple of years clean and sober. I chose Alanon to deal with it and I loved it. some didn't much care for men from AA coming over but they loved me.

In treatment we had this spiritual guru guy come in and give a talk on the third step. He was very good. One thing he said though was....If you are not with someone who is on the same plane as you find someone else, that simple. I thought damn that is kind of harsh.
__________________
The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman

Major Depressive Disorder
Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun.
Recovering Alcoholic and Addict
Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide.

Male, 50

Fetzima 80mg
Lamictal 100mg
Remeron 30mg for sleep
Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back
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