More realizations (I discuss the 12 steps here)

I don't know why I feel the urge to bring this here, I guess I just wanted to hear others experience. About 4 months into my sobriety I started hanging out and getting involved with the "young" people in AA. There's a group of people in my town who are mostly late teens early 20's but there are people of all ages in this "sub-culture" of AA. At the time I was 26 and was mostly hanging out with people in their 30's and 40's, which was great, but these young kids were so much fun, in that young and crazy way.

I started going out to eat with them, going to the sober parties, going to young people's AA conferences, and it was always so much fun, because it was hanging out and stuff like I used to, just without the booze. Over the last couple of months, I've gotten really close with one of the girls who has about 6 months more than I do and is 23.

I started noticing that I would gossip a lot with her, venting frustrations at certain people, stuff that I didn't discuss with anyone else, not with my sponsor because I saw it as petty *****ing. This girl would say that sometimes you just have to vent this stuff to a closed mouth friend, and for me, that was her. We'd hang out after a meeting or go out to eat, and I'd talk to her about personal stuff with my boyfriend or having difficulties with certain people in young people's AA, even character assassinating some of the oldtimers at the normal meetings.

Every friday, for most of my sobriety, I've gone to a young people's meeting, where everyone goes and then goes out to eat afterwards, but I was finding myself needing a "normal" meeting beforehand, because during the young people's meeting, we'd be whispering or text messaging, add libbing to the readings, it was fun, but not my meeting for sobriety. A couple times someone at the meeting would get angry, criticizing the young people for making lite of sobriety, but a lot of others enjoyed that we had fun, and that was how I justified it. I'm just having fun in AA, I would say.

I got my first sponsee at that meeting, and then for awhile she didn't want to go back because she felt uncomfortable, because it's a very social meeting. I understood because I felt that way at first too. She's gone to it with me a few times since because she's getting more comfortable with her sobriety and herself.

But I've been seeing that I've been unhappy the last couple of weeks. Just feeling a lack of spirituality, a lack of serenity. Some of it came from footwork I hadn't been doing (which I did after seeing it in inventory). Then, this last Friday, it came out that very personal things I had told about my boyfriend to my closed mouth friend, had been relayed to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is 25 with 9 years of sobriety. He is a self-proclaimed AA geek, knowing the bigbook inside and out, knowing the traditions inside and out, and he's great at taking your inventory and telling you what to do. One time I even asked if he wanted my sponsor's phone number...that shut him up on me for awhile. But this Friday he was razzing me about something and I looked at his girlfriend (my closed mouth friend) and said, "You know what's going on" and he blurted out in front of everyone that he knew everything too. So everything that I shared with her, she shared with him.

I went outside to breathe because I was afraid I'd start crying at the table and she came out quickly saying that she didn't tell him everything, just the general gist of it and I played it off that something else was bothering me. But this week I've been thinking about it, realizing that a lot of these young people still do a lot of old behavior, gossiping, charactor assassinating, "oh this person should do this to stay sober" and I've come to the realization that I - do - not - want - to - be - that - person. I've done a ton of writing on this, written out the inventories, just haven't had a chance to go over this with my sponsor.

I've decided though to take a hiatus from this group of people, this particular meeting. I went to a different meeting tonight, and the topic was "taking other people's inventories". This guy shared that sometimes by taking other people's inventories, he realizes who he's comfortable with and who he's not. How that helped me! Because that's what I've been doing this week! So...I guess the topic of this thread would be, how your circle has changed in sobriety, as far as friends in the program go. How you've come to realize who the "winners" are, who has what you want. My circle has shifted before, but not in awhile. I spent the day with a girl I don't normally hang out with, and it was so refreshing. Ahhh, ok that was long, but I wanted to share with my "homegroup of the web".

~Rayna

Ray,
character assassination, or gossip inside of AA is poising. But the whole world participates in it all the time. Young people in sobriety do it, and old farts in sobriety do it. And just about everyone in between does it. But that does not make it right. I have found that as I am listening to someone trash someone else, I figure they are in all probability trashing me to other people as well.

When I am taking the other guy’s inventory, (gossip) and I do, I am mostly trying to bolster my own self image at their expense. The underlying message I see in myself when I do so is “I am better than that!” Or “My standards are far superior to that!” Always some sort of pathetic self elevation on my part. My motives are never to improve my relationship with the other guy, my motive is just to stand on him to make myself feel a little bit taller.

But trust me Ray, what comes around, goes around. Those who live by the sword, die by the sword. The gossip I speak will in some form or another come back and bite me on the ***.

A lawyer once told me, “Before I speak, I am the master of my words. After I speak them, I am their slave.”

And just one last bit of inventory taking on my part, before you open your mouth, check your motives. What do you want? And if what you truly want in your heart of hearts was made public knowledge for all to see, would you be comfortable with that?

If you can say Yes, then speak it, if not, then keep it to yourself.

Also just because we are sober drunks, don’t think we are the light of the East or something. We, all of us are just blind fools stumbling through this world as best we can. We are going to get it wrong. We are going to get it wrong a lot! Give yourself a break, and give that other woman a break as well.

Your friend on this long strange road to the good stuff,
Richard

Hello I am glad to hear that you are being responsible, and luckily you are getting OUT of the meeting before you get involved in something that no one even you needs. I believe where there is no confidentiality there should be no meeting PERIOD. End of Story. Thankfully your morals and ethics were spared by the slip up at the meeting. Pick up your feet and morals and move on, you are a better person to go back in recovery the main issus in recovery is going FORWARD. I hope the new meeting sticks to the rules and realizations, and you feel more hopeful that your confidentiality is in order at all times. Take care Soidhonia

Thanks guys!!! I just want to walk in the sunlight of the spirit. I know I'll slip up sometimes, progress not perfection, right? All I know is I don't like the way I was feeling this week, and if I let it continue, I'd be putting myself closer to a drink. I like to stay in the center of the roof, not dangerously close to the edge. =)

As soon as I can connect with my sponsor, I'm gonna ask if I should let this girl know how everything made me feel. If I'm doing something wrong, I'd want to know about it to correct it next time. So I feel like I should tell her. I value her friendship, and want it to continue. Not only is she a good friend, she's got good sobriety and gives good program experience. So....more will be revealed. The situation is not done, but I already feel so much better about it on my my side of the street.

you need to ask a sponser what you should do? :-(

Yes. It's guidence. That's why I put the disclaimer in my subject that I discuss the 12 steps in this thread. Having a sponsor and working the steps helps me to stay sober, so I would really appreciate only supportive responses.

Thanks,
Rayna

I've removed a couple of posts here.

I would like to remind posters that responses should remain supportive to the original poster.

Discounting another's beliefs in what is helpful to him/her individually is not supportive.

You don't have to agree, of course, but if your response isn't thoroughly supportive please refrain from posting in the particular thread.

KD