[MisterSaunders]

This is a long post, so clear your diary if you're going to read it.

I'm a little over a month into this period of abstinence from alcohol. I say period of abstinence because sobriety is too all encompassing, and ultimately is a state of mind and lifestyle choice, not an experiment.

Having said that, I think I am doing myself a disservice by simply saying I am having a little time off the pop. I really have adjusted my lifestyle, and I have implemented some massive changes that I fully intend to solidify in my life. I am exercising 6 days a week, meditating, writing, drawing, thinking, dating crying and analysing myself. I am dieting, loading up on vitamins, taking care of my appearance, honing skills, battling depression and anxiety with long term strategies and ultimately becoming a better person.

I have steadily tapered off my anti depressants, and I took my last tablet over a week or so ago. Minus a few irrational outbursts of anger exacerbated by traffic jams and irritating requests from my over domineering boss, it all went rather smoothly.

So, to summarise, to the unfamiliar eye, if one was to observe my day, they would see me wake up at 6.00am, take various multivitamins before going for a brisk swim before work, proceed through my working day with positivity and a keen wit, before retiring to the gym for an intense bicep work out. I would then retire to a cloud of steam emanating from the hot bath, and the smoke of herbal incense, before meandering into my bedroom to meditate in front of a candle before slinking into bed. An observer would colour me a Buddhist monk.

An observer would be wrong.

I'm not at peace with myself. I'm not happy with this lifestyle. Having said that, in the month or so that I have practiced this way of life, a few underlying issues have protruded through the fading haze of drink, drugs and fun.

Thus far, I have learned, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have issues. You're probably reading this thinking 'NO **** SHERLOCK,' and if that is the case, please, bear with me. I have known that I have had issues for a long long time, but I haven't really addressed the route at any point in my life. I am getting to a point where I am willing to do that.

Admittedly, I am self diagnosing, which isn't advisable, but again, bear with me. I think that all of my compulsive behaviour - Pure OCD itself, compulsive drinking, smoking, gambling, ****ing, anything fun, is my brains way of protecting myself from myself. I'll elaborate - I have been seeing this girl recently, and she is amazing. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, we have EVERYTHING in common, and she really likes me. I like her, too. I like her, but I also don't want to be with her. I don't want to be with anyone on an emotional level. I avoid connecting with her like the plague, and I play up to my reputation, I exaggerate my humour, and I when I am with her I worry that she thinks this is going somewhere. I was engaged in this particular cycle last night, and for once I was mindful of it, so I had a think.

Why am I so terrified that this might actually go somewhere? Why am I always terrified that this is the case? My longest relationship is genuinely 4 weeks, yet I have had sex with over 70 girls.

I dug a little deeper. I asked myself, 'what am I waiting for?' I know that one day I want a to have a marriage and a family. I then proceeded to ask myself 'If not this girl who ticks every box yet you are trying desperately to run away from, then who?!'

Why does a relationship terrify me? Because I would have to lay my emotions on the line.

Why is that a problem?

I was bullied when I was a child - a lot. I have never really given any credence to that, and I have minimised the problem in my own head up until now, but for years and years, I was bullied, ostracised, humiliated and chastised relentlessly. The harder I tried to be accepted, the more I was bullied. I never gave up, and I jumped through hoops to fit in, eventually becoming part of 'the crew.' I think I have constructed an impenetrable front around myself to display to the world and to cope with the bullying that I experienced.

I'm not a psychiatrist, and I don't pretend to profess theories of defence mechanisms with any conviction, but right here is a plausible cause for my compulsive behaviour. I have a starting point. I am going to get a referral to a therapist and start to talk about this as I really believe it needs to be addressed.

Writing this has made me feel both liberated and vulnerable. I'm catching thoughts in my head saying 'people won't think you're cool.' How insane is that?

As for the not drinking, well, long may it continue until I have addressed these issues, and perhaps long after that. It is difficult, I must admit, but I am fully aware that abusing alcohol will do nothing to improve my situation.

[Perna]

Ah, I love a good sense of humor! I cleared my diary and you made it worth it.

Do you remember at all when you were a kid and had to transition to another level? How did your first kiss work out? It sounds to me like you are stalled in the "comfortable". You could be a rocket scientist but then, maybe not? Let's not try, not find out. No matter what, when we try something new to us, we generally suck at it because we don't have any experience, no practice, are just learning about it. Growing up is like that? We can read books about marriage, buying a house, relationships, etc. but it is not the real thing. Real things are real and can go really wrong, sometimes despite our best efforts.

I still vividly remember being in driver's ed class (I'm 63, so we're talking a contemporary of Henry Ford, windows "rolled" up, not many people had electric ones yet and the seat belt law for my state was after I started driving :-) when we watched a movie and it was about the ball bouncing into the street from behind parked cars and the kid chasing it, not paying attention to you in your station wagon. . . and then I got my license and was out there and guess what, it happened. I had no trouble stopping in time, I was too busy laughing hysterically, I had thought it was more a "symbol" of what could happen, never occurred to me that it actually happened in real life? It was just a shorthand cliché, a teaching tool?

In getting to my exalted age, I have noticed a thing or two and the one I wish I'd known back in my teens is that "the map is not the territory" (tied with, "it will be all right"). I have always been a reader and use to read 5-10 books a week. Unfortunately, that caused me almost as much trouble as it was helpful. Yes, I could tell from my responses to what happened to the characters that I was "normal"/had all my correct "parts" and physical responses and, eventually, the light bulb went on and I realized life was about learning new things, not suddenly being struck (à la lightning) with knowing how to do them and life was also about choices. My problems arose when I'd choose something, usually because it was "easier" and I'd get stuck with that choice over time because it would be hard to admit it wasn't working and choose something else. It is much easier to daydream (or read a book) that you get straight A's than to confront and struggle with the math homework you don't understand? Eventually though that math course passes you by and you are in deeper trouble than you needed to be. You get 10 years out of college and decide to take computer programming but your Algebra isn't good enough because you were busy daydreaming instead of studying.

You can't get to love, marriage and pushing a baby carriage in front of your McMansion either all by yourself or without time, "practice" and a heck of a lot of risk. I did not marry until I was 39 and, being behind still, I chose to choose to forego the baby carriage because my Prince Charming had already "been there/done that" and was not interested in doing more (I wanted any children of mine to have a father who was thrilled to have them too).

There aren't any short cuts? You have to choose what you want and then you have to work for what you have chosen. What you have been "given" might make the work more pleasant for you but you still have to learn a whole lot of stuff you don't know and watch people who have been on the path before you, being ahead of you (my niece got engaged to be married before I did -- big hunk of multi-$1000s emerald ring; I dragged my husband-then-boyfriend out to buy me a ring neither of us particularly wanted/cared about, a $200 pearl (my name is Margaret and that "means" a "pearl")). When possible, it is good to keep your eye on your own choices/path, I found one seems to stumble less and make more progress. Otherwise you get insane thoughts in your head saying 'people won't think you're cool' - which doesn't do anything good for you, does it? Dismiss the thoughts that don't do anything good for you and focus on those that do. And, of course, no one said it was easy

[Altered Moment]

Your level of self awareness and willingness to face these problems is very inspiring. It sounds to me that at this point other than your girl friend you are trying to tackle it all alone. I believe life is a WE game and when tackling such issues we need lots of help from others who have similar issues and from professionals. You say you are reaching out for therapy and you have posted here so those are great moves. It takes a lot of strength and courage to face this stuff. The road less traveled - from and old book.

I am a recovering addict/ alcoholic who also suffers from depression and anxiety so I can only look at it from that angle. I got clean and sober in AA. Whether you have OCD or an addictive personality only you and maybe professionals can decide. It is not the labels so much but what will help me overcome. I can tell you without a doubt that the defense mechanisms you describe are extremely common is the recovery world. If you want to work on your sobriety get in a relationship it is often said. Relationships tend to force us in your face confront fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, etc. You are not alone in having slept with a lot of women yet only had four week relationships. Something in us gets triggered at a certain point and its time to go. It certainly is possible to have a good relationship if both people are willing to face those issues and work through them together. Sometimes they are too powerful and we can't handle it within the context of a relationship and have to keep working on it on our own. Hopefully we will both have very fulfilling loving relationships at some point. I certainly want one.

I can say for me there is a strong genetic biological component to my addictive personality and depression but there was also learned behaviors from growing up with an alcoholic father. I have walls and they are thick. Even after so many years of working on this stuff. It has been years since I have been in a relationship. The last one I was in was two and a half years and it was the healthiest. It did reach a point though where her walls and defense mechanisms were to powerful and she bailed. Why I have not been in one since is complicated and has a lot to do with depression I think. But it could just as well have to do with my walls and fear.

Staying sober and the healthy practices you have incorporated will help you in the long run I can guarantee you. They don't work in a night or a month. It took us a long time to get the way we are and a long time to change our patterns of thinking and behavior. So much of it is sub conscience. I think we need a lot of help along the way in whatever form that takes. Whether you can stay free of your addictions or OCD behavior on your own without some sort of support group only you can find out. Those behaviors did serve a purpose for us and without them we are kind of left floundering. Even though we know how bad they are for us they still served some purpose.

[MisterSaunders]

Thank you for your reply! I really enjoyed reading your experiences!

Originally Posted by Perna

Otherwise you get insane thoughts in your head saying 'people won't think you're cool' - which doesn't do anything good for you, does it? Dismiss the thoughts that don't do anything good for you and focus on those that do. And, of course, no one said it was easy

This part is key, in my opinion. The silver lining to my current state is that I consciously recognise those self limiting thoughts. I will learn to ignore them, and flag them up to myself whenever they do surface.

A few months ago, I wouldn't have seen that as a thought per se, but I would have followed it as gospel, believing it to be an inherent and accurate part of my being. Mindfulness is a wonderful skill!

[MisterSaunders]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I am a recovering addict/ alcoholic who also suffers from depression and anxiety so I can only look at it from that angle. I got clean and sober in AA. Whether you have OCD or an addictive personality only you and maybe professionals can decide. It is not the labels so much but what will help me overcome. I can tell you without a doubt that the defense mechanisms you describe are extremely common is the recovery world. If you want to work on your sobriety get in a relationship it is often said. Relationships tend to force us in your face confront fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, etc. You are not alone in having slept with a lot of women yet only had four week relationships. Something in us gets triggered at a certain point and its time to go. It certainly is possible to have a good relationship if both people are willing to face those issues and work through them together. Sometimes they are too powerful and we can't handle it within the context of a relationship and have to keep working on it on our own. Hopefully we will both have very fulfilling loving relationships at some point. I certainly want one.

I can say for me there is a strong genetic biological component to my addictive personality and depression but there was also learned behaviors from growing up with an alcoholic father. I have walls and they are thick. Even after so many years of working on this stuff. It has been years since I have been in a relationship. The last one I was in was two and a half years and it was the healthiest. It did reach a point though where her walls and defense mechanisms were to powerful and she bailed. Why I have not been in one since is complicated and has a lot to do with depression I think. But it could just as well have to do with my walls and fear.

This is a great reply, Zinco. You're right, I'm certainly not alone in facing these issues, even at my age. The part that I find absurd, almost paradoxical/ironic, is that no one will openly admit to or discuss these issues. Contrary to popular belief, the sleeping with many women part is NOT something I would ever brag or boast about; quite the opposite. I envy he who opens himself fully to another for complete companionship without any fear or worry.

I also believe that I have the biological component to some extent, and my father is also an alcoholic (albeit one in total denial and one to whom I no longer speak). Having said that, many of my drinking habits have been inherited through watching him sip whisky alone in the evenings and thinking that is totally normal...

I really believe that wonderful things can come from these issues though. I know that if I continue on the path that I am currently on, by my 23rd birthday I will be a wholly different man, and lightyears ahead of my friends in terms of mindfulness.

Here is to silver linings.

[Altered Moment]

Yes you will. And 23 is actually pretty young to be on the road less traveled.

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[madisgram]

When I got sober it was suggested I "keep it simple". Everything!! I was told I intellectualized my feelings. This enabled (kept) me from feeling my emotions. Like I could step back from myself instead of being comfortable in my own skin. I was diagnosed bipolar at the same time as being an alcoholic. I realized I had to treat both illnesses at the same time to regain a fulfilling life and successful at living it.
I don't know if you can identify with what I've shared but those two factors..simplicity and getting in touch with my feelings worked for me. I've been sober and without major roller coasters with bipolar since I incorporated those 2 factors PLUS a lot of footwork. Today life is good! I'm grateful.