[PrairieCat]

How has your family been affected by a family member being an addict and finally being in Rehab? Have family members stopped talking to each other? Has a son or daughter or grandson or granddaughter detached from a grandparent? Does anyone talk realistically about it or they ashamed and guilty? Do they hush it up? Do they seek help or emotional support? Why would a mother of an addict stop talking to her own mother?

Does the mother of the addict spend all her time seeing movies, going to concerts, going on vacation trips, doing fun things with friends, doing anything and everything to keep her from being alone and confronting this issue? Does the mother seek counseling help to get her through this? I have no idea how most families react to this awful kind of situation.

Any info will be appreciated greatly. I am a grandmother whose daughter has rejected me and won't talk to me or even answer my emails. I can't stand it and feel it is very unhealthy. I am trying to leave her alone but we were very close at one time. It is difficult. I am doing my best.

Please let me know your family's experience, good or bad. Thank you.

PrairieCat

[Altered Moment]

Did you say your daughter went to rehab?
Is she still clean?

Alcoholism and addiction can be very devastating to a family. I would strongly suggest Alanon for you. I am a recovering alcoholic/ addict with many years of sobriety. I can tell you from and addicts point of view that we are excellent at avoidance. This comes from a huge amount of shame and guilt we carry. Even if we are in total denial of the problem there is still deep inside a ton of shame and guilt and we use avoidance behaviors to well....avoid it, as well as avoiding any other uncomfortable emotions.

Alcoholism runs pretty rampant on both sides of my family. In the 70's my grandpa joined AA and was sober the last two years of his life. I was a little kid so didn't know much about it. When I was a teenager my Mom started going to Alanon because of my dad's alcoholism and because me and my brother were well on our way. We are very fortunate as a family as my dad, my brother, my nephew, and myself have been clean and sober for many years. This has been over the course of 40 years. Lots of ups and downs. Today we are all very close and open about it all.

Recovery is a long process. I went through a period in AA and in Alanon where I really had to look at my family dynamics when I was growing up and how it affected me. Some people call it blaming your parents but it really isn't. It is looking at the reality of how things were and learning to let go of resentments and forgiving. It is possible your daughter has resentments she is processing if she is in recovery or that she is still racked with guilt and shame. Or if she has relapsed after having some recovery there is a huge amount of shame that goes with that and then avoidance.

I hope and pray for you that over time your family will find the healing that mine has found. It takes time though. I think if your daughter stays in recovery and works on the things she is supposed to that things will turn around. In the meantime I suggest Alanon and to let her know you are there for her when she is ready and give her some space. I know how difficult it must be for you.

[PrairieCat]

[B]Sorry, I was not clear enough! I guess I was too upset to be clear. It is not my daughter who is the addict, it is [B]my grandson. He is 22. He is in 4th month of court-ordered, tough, two-year rehab program. First 3 mos. were inpatient. I have no idea how he is doing or where he is. No way to find out. My daughter does not want to talk to me about him or about anything.

I have been totally cut off and out of their lives by my daughter. She tells me I did nothing wrong, she just needs to NOT have contact with me. This is killing me. We were close. She is my only child. I am divorced and alone. I'm not very interested in having a man in my life, as my choices have been terrible and I'm 73. My best friend is in her last chemo treatment and may die. I have no close friend nearby. I am all alone and trying to keep it together. I have anxiety and some depression. This whole thing seems like a huge, bad joke on me.

My daughter turns to her father's family. Her father is very sick in the head and tried to kill me more than once when I was with him and after I left him. He cannot show affection, is cold and nasty, also drinks, has not remarried but has a married girlfriend, great example. I just don't get it.

I've been to Alanon re my grandson. It was very depressing and negative. I'm told there is nothing I can do at all. Big help!

[Altered Moment]

Well the Alanon philosophy is that you are powerless over the behavior of your daughter and grandson. That is true. They will tell you to take care of yourself. That doesn't mean there is nothing you can do to help but your daughter would have to be willing to let you in. I have no idea why she is acting that way. There has to be some reason she needs not to have contact with you. I hope with time she will let you back in.

[madisgram]

Zinco gave excellent advice. So what can you do for YOU? Addiction is a family disease. Everyone is affected by it not just the addict. Alanon was a good suggestion. It's a support group for people affected by the disease. It may seem down/negative...the reason is they are suffering like you! They are needing support. Why not give another try. Maybe go to a different meeting. But be warned. Everyone at alanon is in some stage of getting well.
Another thought...I'm close to your age so I hope you'll be receptive to my thoughts. Volunteer for a worthy cause or help the needy in some way. Reach out to others. You'll be surprised how your presence can brighten someone else's day. It'll brighten your day too and perhaps a friendship occurs.
I'm glad you found us. Stay in touch. We care about you.

[glok]

Hello, PrairieCat. Sorry about what you are experiencing. I have no advice. I wanted to wish you well, and an amicable resolution.

[PrairieCat]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, PrairieCat. Sorry about what you are experiencing. I have no advice. I wanted to wish you well, and an amicable resolution.

Glok, thank you so much. OMG, I think I am obdurate also! I just love your quote and I know exactly the feeling... Yes, to just not be there. Thank you again.
PC