[akersaj]

In a couple of days I will admit everything to my wife of 20 years. I am a fairly successful business man that has hidden my addiction from my wife, my three teenage kids, relatives, friends, and the same bunch of coworkers of 14 years. My wife is aware of my more than 16 year battle with depression/anxiety disorder. I have been taking either Celexa and Wellbutrin over those years following an attempted suicide (severe anxiety that came with a job promotion). My wife has always been against my marijuana use and knew that it was a large part of my life before our relationship. She believes that my use stopped years ago (she believed that my use back then to be rare). Because she and my children are against it, I hide my use by smoking while driving to and from places (errands, celebratory events, and now--work). I have a feeling that my kids suspect that I use, but I'm not sure. I have always been able to get high and 'function' at work and around others. I fear that my increasing reckless use may create a situation that jeopardizes my job, my marriage, my relationships with my kids, my reputation, my friendships, my health, and/or my life. Living in Colorado has made my poor attempts at quitting much more difficult because it is so easy to visit one of the fifty or so recreational dispensaries. Prior to legalization I was able to go weeks or months without weed, because it was a little more difficult to obtain. Over the years I have established connections with friends, relatives, and coworkers that are my pothead buddies.

I spent my K-12 years in homes that treated weed as a normal part of everyday life. I purposefully moved thousands of miles away from those family members because I recognized that I was weak to the temptations of drug use when everyone around me was getting high. My mom drank herself to death at the age of 57. My father is a severe alcoholic that is rapidly following that same path.

Here is what has pushed me to this critical point in my life. I decided to pursue my masters degree a couple of years ago. I started out successfully but I have failed 3 courses in the last two trimesters while lying to everyone that I am doing well. I was paralyzed and did nothing in the final weeks of the courses except get high. Paralyzed by the fear of failure and the belief that I can't do it. This is my second attempt at obtaining my masters degree. My first attempt was many years ago. I believe the pressure and memories that go with failing a second time has contributed greatly to the depression that contributes to my desire to get high.

This is my first admission of a need for help to anyone. I don't like this constant desire to escape from this stress.

Any advice is appreciated.

[WCT74]

I came here for the reasons, hiding addiction, needing to tell someone, anyone, just to see if I could. It has helped, I hope you can break your families circle of addiction. Just remember, no matter how upset your wife gets, don't fall back to your old habits. The way you earn back trust is to hold true to your word and continue to get better. Best of luck

[Altered Moment]

I was a major pot head from age 14 until 32. I was definitely addicted. I quit everything at that age and have been clean and sober since.......except for pot. A few years ago I decided to try it for depression. That did not work. I decided a few years later to try it for anxiety. That works to a certain extent but it has to be the exact right strain and I don't think I am willing to get a medical card and find the right one. I am not addicted now because I easily go 6 or 8 months without thinking about it and then will smoke a little.

Weed is such a grey area because as a substance it is not really addictive. But as we know you can become addicted to it. I was for sure. And now we get all these messages about medical and recreational use being ok. And lets face it as one of my friends said no one ever gives a bj to score pot like happens with heroine.

Given your family history, and mine too, I would say it is a big concern. You say it has effected your life and want to come clean and relieve the shame and burden you have been carrying. Self medicating for mental illness plus a family history of addiction is a double whammy.

I would encourage you to come clean to the people that can help you. Maybe not at work if that will jeopardize things. A tell all is a big relief I can tell you that but be careful who you tell. It doesn't have to be the whole world.

So giving it up would require learning other coping mechanisms and a good deal of help in my opinion. I wish you the best of luck in quitting and staying quit. Sorry just kind of thinking out loud here.

[akersaj]

Originally Posted by WCT74

I came here for the reasons, hiding addiction, needing to tell someone, anyone, just to see if I could. It has helped, I hope you can break your families circle of addiction. Just remember, no matter how upset your wife gets, don't fall back to your old habits. The way you earn back trust is to hold true to your word and continue to get better. Best of luck

Thank you for your reply. I will tell my wife everything tonight. And I WILL stay clean and earn back her trust.

[akersaj]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I was a major pot head from age 14 until 32. I was definitely addicted. I quit everything at that age and have been clean and sober since.......except for pot. A few years ago I decided to try it for depression. That did not work. I decided a few years later to try it for anxiety. That works to a certain extent but it has to be the exact right strain and I don't think I am willing to get a medical card and find the right one. I am not addicted now because I easily go 6 or 8 months without thinking about it and then will smoke a little.

Weed is such a grey area because as a substance it is not really addictive. But as we know you can become addicted to it. I was for sure. And now we get all these messages about medical and recreational use being ok. And lets face it as one of my friends said no one ever gives a bj to score pot like happens with heroine.

Given your family history, and mine too, I would say it is a big concern. You say it has effected your life and want to come clean and relieve the shame and burden you have been carrying. Self medicating for mental illness plus a family history of addiction is a double whammy.

I would encourage you to come clean to the people that can help you. Maybe not at work if that will jeopardize things. A tell all is a big relief I can tell you that but be careful who you tell. It doesn't have to be the whole world.

So giving it up would require learning other coping mechanisms and a good deal of help in my opinion. I wish you the best of luck in quitting and staying quit. Sorry just kind of thinking out loud here.

Thank your for your reply. And thank you for the recommendation to only come clean to the people that can help. I am nervous and fearful about the conversation with my wife. But it will happen this evening.

[WCT74]

Originally Posted by akersaj

Thank you for your reply. I will tell my wife everything tonight. And I WILL stay clean and earn back her trust.

I wish you luck. you can always find someone on here to talk to.

[Altered Moment]

Good luck

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gma45]

How did things go? I think once you do this you will feel a great weight lifted off of you. I wish you the best.

[akersaj]

I did it! Nervous about how to start, I was extremely quiet and distracted during dinner. Immediately after dinner, I began doing busy work around the house. My wife asked my if anything was wrong. I said that there was, and then I gave her a printout of my post (above). She said that she knew I was still using but she didn't know how frequent the use was. She was supportive and direct. She asked if I truly wanted to give it up forever. I said, "Yes!" and I mean it. She asked what it was that made me want to quit. I told her, "I am tired of sneaking around. I knew I was playing with fire every time that I drove or went to work while stoned. And I know that the weed has contributed to my depression and my reckless behavior." She asked that I seek out therapy for my depression, issues with the reckless behavior, and my family history of drug and alcohol abuse. I agreed. She asked that I give our faith another honest try. I agreed. I also told her that I plan to attend meetings for support - Marijuana Anonymous & LifeRing (I attend my first MA meeting tonight). She also said that the extra money needed for the therapy is well worth it considering some of the alternatives if I were to continue using.

That's it. I am so relieved. I feel much better. And I know that the real work now begins.

[Altered Moment]

You are doing everything totally right.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[WCT74]

Good job, way to face it head on.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by akersaj

She also said that the extra money needed for the therapy is well worth it considering some of the alternatives if I were to continue using.

I am glad you took this step of talking with your wife and getting started. I was struck by your wife's above sentiment because it occurred to me you could use it as additional help -- the money you were spending on weed now supports the therapy? I think that is a great trade of activities?

I dropped out of grad school, not for bad grades (A's in all the courses I'd taken) but because I realized I did not really want it, it wasn't going to do anything for me in the future, I just enjoyed "studying", the challenge of taking the courses and writing the papers, etc. I switched "hobbies" slightly and now I am still able to take grad courses (just finished an online diploma course at Oxford!) but it all ties in better to my actual desires/life. In my later schooling (I got my second BA at 57 years old then started grad school) I finally realized that it is all for me, what I want and has nothing to do with the grades they want to give me or what they want me to learn, etc., it is about what I want to learn and how I want to use what I learn.

[thickntired]

Hi,

Congratulations on taking your first steps!! For me pot being "just" psychologically addictive was not something to take lightly. I abused many different drugs for 30 years some very "physically" addictive like coke, and pot was a really tough drug to quit. I'm very glad to hear you're in a group because that was essential through my first year of sobriety. Other people just don't get it. I met people who also got sober and realized they didn't need psych meds. But, if you are suffering from mental illness pot just makes it worse and stops the meds from working. At the end of my time I would light a bong at 9am and take my last hit around 9pm. I didn't even get high anymore, and I spent more money on pot than on my mortgage. I should have numerous felonies for possession, and I spent a few months going to 12 step meetings at the women's jail. The times I have spent in rehab and psych wards (about 80% of people have dual diagnosis) I met people who have been cut off be their families and are trying to get beds at the Salvation Army.

I am very blessed indeed.

good luck, all the best for the future

[Clara22]

Good luck with everything!

[ramirorico]

You still have a job and that's what matters. You're doing a lot better than most addicts because we can't hold a job or keep a stable home.

I love weed but it makes me lazy. Maybe that's why you're not able to get your master's degree. You said you spent most of the time before exams getting high! I bet if you lay off the weed just long enough, you'll be able to get your master's degree in no time with the credits you have already.

[ombrétwilight]

I'm so glad to hear that you're taking steps to change your addiction. Better late than never! I've never done pot because it's punishable by hanging where I live, but I do realise how addictive these things can be. I wish you all the best in your recovery