Flat..

Hi,
Been a reader of PC for a few months now......
Long time sufferer of not feeling "right" seen to many therapists and not feeling helped..which is where I am yet again,
I went for a stay on the Behavioral Health floor back in May-- according to my therapist, my Major Depression was only a 1 time thing??
Funny 10 years ago it was Clinical Depression...no pill seemed to help that and I just went on with life :-/
Sober life is not at all what it was preached to me to be...It's a flat life for me...oh talk therapy?? Change my out look and that will fix it all?? it's not working... feels like no one wants to get me, only tell me that I have the wrong thoughts or think wrong :-(
take hands full of prescriptions for all my aliments and don't know why I exist.....

It hurts to think.
I apologize if this upsets anyone.

Don't be fooled by the major depression episode only being a one time thing. I have no clue why a professional would tell a patient that. It gives the impression that once you feel better you don't need meds anymore. Happened to a loved one of mine and literally within 2 months they were right back to where they started before meds. Please be careful with that theory.

I feel the same way, life isn't so unicorns pissing glitter. I'm lonely, my anxiety is back and frankly I'm bored lots with nothing to look forward to.

The alternative? Being drunk and relaxed...nice. Spending money that I'm enjoying having, sucks. Playing Russian roullete with the whole am I going do something dumb and shameful tonight, sucks. Increase my chances of alcohol induced depression, sucks big time...you see where I'm going here.

You said you feel like they tell you your thinking is wrong. I'm thinking its constructive critisism tbh. People who need therapy and believe their thought processes are perfectly fine doesn't really make too much sense to me. You either want the help or you don't. Idk it's possible I'm not grasping what you are saying and I apologize if I'm not.

So I'm at a cross road now. To drink or not to drink. While actively being a drunk I wanted to be sober, be content with being sober. I have the sober part down now I need to feel content. Through therapy this has to happen for me as I huge dislike for the AA solution. As in I refuse to go to meetings but I am open to the 12-step program. After all it does pertain to me and my own time.

Are you working the steps?

Thanks for the reply ChaoticSymphony,
Yeah my Substance Abuse Counselor stated the report from the Behavioral Health read to her that the diagnosis was a one time event :-( from what I have read it's a reoccurring disorder ( Right?) I have battled feeling down for a lifetime, but rare times when I have reached out for counseling was I given a diagnosis or made to understand what was the issue.
In the past I have tried medication, but due to life I was not able/willing to ride out the adjustment period or able to justify cost cuz I didn't feel better...
Since May I have faithfully taken my meds, I had an experience of running out of one and had nightmares...so not having/taking them is not an option.

I am married, we celebrated 31 years since our 1st date, and been married 30 years. but yet I feel so lonely too.
Since May I have learned I have Anxiety and Panic attacks...I am really anxious now, but cannot put my finger on why, hmph...
Yeah I have slipped and drank, and just wanted to die because I did so...
Really every day I wish I would wake up dead, I already feel dead inside.
I feel pain, sadness, hopeless. right now I am not immobilized like I was this summer if that's anything.

I do want help, but I haven't found the right fit with a counselor or therapist..
When I said "oh talk therapy?? Change my out look and that will fix it all?? it's not working... feels like no one wants to get me, only tell me that I have the wrong thoughts or think wrong :-( " I know my thinking is off...but I have started to realize I tend to run away when confronted about it...I want to know but don't...does that make sense? also as far as therapy, It's because of my experiences in the past and well the present haven't seemed to help...
I have gotten gutzy and taken the quiz's and tests available here...the results are scary, but have helped me make sense of why I feel flat and feel like a tornado inside..They have also helped me understand that I am not getting the right therapy because of the undiagnosed issues..

Yeah I am not a big fan of AA either...the spiritual part just doesn't do it for me, past experiences with church were not that positive.
"Sober life is not at all what it was preached to me to be" Being sober was to bring back joy and happiness into my life, isn't that what your told, led to believe by folks telling you, you need to stop drinking??
No I am not working the steps..I had been working on them via a work book, which led me to trying to learn more about depression and the possibility of other mental health issues. The stumbling block is being scared...embarrassed, never before in my life have I had to be a welfare statistic for mental health...there's such a stigma of going down to the Community Mental Health office....
Scared I will just be looked at as another Abuser looking for a pill... that I will just be pushed thru the system..

What's it like to be content?

Thank goodness for Psych Central...I do find comfort in all the things available to read.

My resolution for the year is Why! Why? Why...to question things and seek the answers, like them or not.

Thanks for reading..

Yea I never could grasp the whole give your will to God thing. I believe in God but I'm unsure of how to give will to him. It's weird. Or maybe I'm dense. Anyways it's cool you're going to look into the why's. You may find some much needed answers. Best of luck to you. If you ever want to talk hit me up.

Mental health issues and addiction issues often go hand in hand. A good mental health clinic, psychiatrist, or therapists knows this. One time occurrence??? WTF. I have been clean and sober 20 years, have been to thousands of AA meetings and have worked the steps many times, and they are ingrained in my everyday thinking. Tons of therapy and group therapy in the past twenty years. Meditation, medication... You name it. There are different types of therapy. My thinking was messed up and I had repressed issues and I have worked very hard at it.

When I got sober my depression got much worse. Going back to drugs and alcohol was and is not an option in my mind. All of those things have had an extremely positive impact on my life. I can't say they have really helped my depression. The best thing that helps my depression is meds when I find one or a combo that works like is currently the case. The antidepressant may quit working.

My attitude over all is to keep trying and never give up. Sometimes I am totally hopeless and feel there is no point in trying but it passes.

Stay sober, try CBT, DBT, meditation, mindfulness, exercise, diet, supplements, medication, all of it. There are no magic pills or quick fixes. One has to have an open mind and consistently really stick with it.

Get your thyroid levels checked, take vitamin D, take B vitamins, take fish oil, check out L Methylfolate, learn all you can about it and how to treat it.

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Well said. The thing with 12 step programs, you can take what works well for you and leave what doesn't. But you CAN'T underestimate the importance of social support when fighting with addiction. Think of 12 step meetings like a real-life version of this forum. One more thing: the founder of AA, Bill Wilson, suffered from episodes of crippling depression his whole life, even in sobriety. Depression and addiction seem to go together.