[ZehR]

So I almost promised myself that I wouldn't abuse my next script.. but then i lose too much weight taking it as prescribed so it gave me an excuse to just abuse it all in a few days.. this time however i promise myself that i will not abuse my next script but im facing a problem..

My new dose of Concerta (Methylphenidate XR) got increased to 72mg and the pharmacy want the previous two weeks Concerta (which I ate) back in exchange for the new Concerta.

I don't break promises and this time I promise myself that I will take it as prescribed but what if I get caught then no one will believe my word and just think that im a no good addict. I have severe ADHD and I really need it.

So here's what I'm going to do.. Im going to say that ill just finish my old script and if they still want the Concerta, I'll say that I've lost it. I don't know what to do..

--------------------------------------------

I never liked taking my Concerta because it took that "ADHD spark" away from me and made me sad and emotional less.

So a stalk pile of hundreds of days worth of pills pilled up and I didn't know what to do with them. I had to get rid of them so I abused them at high doses. Doses that I have never seen before on the internet.

I would open the pills and snort 100mg at once and get a nice calm feeling. Then I would crush and parachute 300mg at once and feel like I was stoned but the motivation that I got was just pleasant. Then I would crush and eat 500mg of methylphenidate at once. That's 100 ritalin pills at once. How is that possible I don't know.. Im only 150lbs. I some how rewired my brain into liking the pills instead of hating them. Now I get euphoria from the pills and if I had a needle with methamphetamine in it i would inject my self with no hesitation. The most methylphenidate I took in one day was 1-1.3g

As I said, I really need these pills to function in terms of ADHD at school and at home and this was a wake up call to tell myself that I will take them as prescribed and not be an idiot. I promise myself and I don't break promises.

Now for the alcohol..

My dad is has severe alcohol dependency syndrome and it runs in the family. My older brother has been addicted to drugs and probably still is. I remember as a kid my dad would pass out and vomit on the stairs and he was too big to carry to bed so i put a pillow under his head and called it a night.

My first abuse of alcohol started when I was 12. As with ADHD, I always loved to get a rush and maybe got chased by the police about 10-15 times since I was 7. I went into a strangers house with my friends and got a bit drunk on vodka mixed with 7up.

Then I started stealing my dads vodka and would replace it with water because he was too drunk to notice. Benefited him anyways.. and so when i was 16 I took 7 shots of my step dads jack daniels on an mpty stomach and I never had such an amazing feeling with alcohol in my life. I think that incident of acute alcohol poisoning changed my brain. I couldn't feel my hands or feet and would vomit all night but i said to myself with the music playing loud and just being an idiot in town that it was worth it. Now I never get that feeling when I drink. Not even close to that feeling.

I would steal my step dads whiskey and beer and moms wine until i was legal enough to buy alcohol on my own at 18. Before I was 18, I could drink two 6 packs of beer in a night and get a little drunk. Now that does barely anything to me.

I bought so much alcohol since i was 18 and im still 18. My mom cries when she sees the amount of alcohol I use. Recently a few days ago she instructed the liquor store not to serve me alcohol anymore because I was drinking 750ml (2 pints) of liquor a day for two days and 1 pint a day for a few weeks. But before I drank the two pints, I had no tolerance for a month because I promised not to drink for two weeks. I didn't throw up with the two pints. Before that I abused a pint and a half with 100mg of codeine and threw up blood i guess..

The last bit of alcohol poisoning i got was 4 days ago when i drank two pints but i only threw up because I drank a six pack of beer before that..

Psychiatrist doesn't prescribe benzos anymore for these reasons. I did abuse benzos in the past. I would take 6mg of clonazepam and it would be like alcohol in a pill but probably made my liver enzymes go out of wack as i was hospitalized for depression after I took the pills as they are sedatives but i didnt realize that at the time.

Now it comes to Ethylphenidate.. (Ethanol (alcohol) mixed with methylphenidate.. the high is more intense i suppose.. but more dangerous..

Who the hell pops 500mg of ritalin without tolerance.. no one..

I don't know what to do in the situation where I don't want to get caught and if i don't, I wont abuse again and how to convince my mom and psychiatrist that I don't have a problem with alcohol maybe i do idk

[Altered Moment]

Maybe you can tolerate a lot of alcohol without much effect because of the concerta. When I was abusing meth amphetamine I could drink gallons of alcohol and it would just take the edge off and calm me a little. Never drunk. I was a pretty serious alcoholic addict at 15 years old.

I would normally never say this to someone because it is up to a person to decide BUT
Given what you have said about family history, the massive amounts of three substances being abused at 18, I would say you have a serious addiction problem and need treatment. The sooner you get the right help the better.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Swabbingred]

The methylphenidate and amphetty days were quite the days. I abused Concerta (along with Dexamphetamine and Ritalin) and found a way to remove the 12-hr ER wax seal by diluting it in water and would parachute it or even plug it and it'd hit me like a wrecking ball. One of the fewer reasons why Concerta is concealed with a inert to not make it fast releasing is so us abusers find it harder to abuse. Removing the 12-hr ER wax seal is dangerous though. Lots of fun, until the comedown hit me after a multiple-day drug binge and I wished I had a gun to blow my brains out.

My pharmaceutical speed days came to an end once my boyfriend didn't have them prescribed for him anymore and I woke up to myself and realized spending $28 every 9-12 hours along with stealing from relatives and friends to get a "quick fix" would either lead me in a terribly bad situation such as OD or somewhere even worse. The withdrawals sucked crap. My withdrawals lasted 1.5-2 weeks and it can manifest in extreme fatigue, agitation, nervousness and the worst of all, severe cravings for any type of upper.

Up to you to get help and to fix yourself asap, especially that you're probably a beautiful and bright 18 year old who didn't have the best kick-start. With alcohol, I can't provide any advice there. I get *****-faced occasionally and don't struggle with any particular alcoholic dependency.

[ZehR]

It's up to the universe now to decide whether I should get caught or not. Until then, I vow to myself and the WORLD and anyone that has ever been through addiction that I will take as prescribed. WORLD, give me a chance. I don't deserve to have it taken away. I really don't I'm sooo scared because life right now without it as prescribed from running out after.. abusing.. makes me die inside..

I smoked it as well.. ughhhh

[Swabbingred]

How are you traveling? x

[ZehR]

I ended up abusing a couple more scripts. I'm just going to tell everyone about it. I'm at my dad's and my mom was snooping through my room and found a bottle of wine that I took from her and a bag of tobacco.. Which isn't a big deal apart from the fact that she might have found some of my medication that I kept in a small box in the same drawer an will think I haven't been taking it.

I don't know what I will do without prescribed concerta. Having it taken away is my biggest fear because I really want to do well in school

My last was 600mg instant release methylphenidate with 140mg snorted. I was just mad at the world and didn't care if I died.

[Altered Moment]

Coming clean with everyone might be a big relief. Very hard to carry the monkey on our backs alone.

Maybe someone can hand it out to you daily only exactly as prescribed? Is that possible? Under lock and key that only one person can get to?

I guess once you abuse a script and run out you just go without until you get a refill? How is it when you go without? I would imagine you go a couple of weeks without. Unless you are getting it on the street?

[ZehR]

Ya that is my plan which is to give the medications back to my mom and she can give them to me daily but she's always so busy and I think just letting people know about it, I'll stop so

And ya I do go a couple weeks without it sometimes. At that point I just smoke some cigarettes and drink a lot of coffee which Is nothing in comparison to a prescribed dose. Also I sleep a LOT..

I think if I tell my psychiatrist that I've been abusing for over a year he will know I guess that it's not so dangerous compared to someone.. Without that experience because he said at the start that he has no problem prescribing stimulants as they're not dangerous like benzodiazepines which he doesn't prescribe at all

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[Altered Moment]

I dunno about amphetamines not being as dangerous as benzos. I can write you a book on my experience with meth amphetamine and at least that one is very dangerous.

If you really need it for ADHD but have addiction problems if you come clean with everyone maybe a solution can be worked out. Like your mom knows the problem but will be serious about giving you the prescribed dose. Maybe think about getting treatment for the addiction stuff. If you took one of my drugs away I would just find another. No big deal. I had to treat my addiction along with my mental health issues. Addiction is not fun at all when you know you have a problem but can't seem to get it under control. I can almost guarantee that coming clean to the world will be a relief. Once you lay the problem out there then it is easier to do something about it.

[EddyofCalm]

ZehR, the more you're able to be honest with others the more you'll be able to be honest with yourself about why you're using. It's difficult at times and hurts to reflect but the endpoint of goal of real self-worth and respect at the end of the struggle is worth it!

[ZehR]

Smoked a ciggy instead of using. They are right there and I'm not going to touch them. I did a little but no more.

Many people know about my addiction on a chat room that I go to. Thousands and they are supportive there too. I don't feel like I'm alone.

1g a day is no better than a heavy cocaine habit I've been told.

I will kick this.

[ZehR]

I like them just sitting there.. They are very beautiful..

^ There's probably something very wrong with that sentence ..and way of thinking..

[ZehR]

Excuse me do ya need a ride?
Looks like you're going downtown
Yes, hope in my ride, well hi I'm Chris Dolmeth
I'm your best friend (Christ Dolmeth)
I'm all you need (Christ Dolmeth)
If you wanna succeed, hop in my ride
Well hi I'm Christ Dolmeth

[ZehR]

Huge relapse ...

I did this because I would be going skiing and I wanted to put the blister packs in my old med bottles. So I had a bottle of concerta, knowing I was still ahead of the prescription anyways so I thought well ill experiment with snorting 60mg of the instant release because I've never done that before then I snorted 150mg of the concerta then I snorted another 300mg through the night.

I just snorted 80mg half an hour ago and I feel stoned. I smoked cigarette with such a dose to see how it effects me and I felt drunk I wasn't walking in a straight line but I noticed that it feels normal for me to say good morning to people and I feel like I can walk without a care as if I'm walking properly and better than everyone else and that I seem to be the completely opposite of paranoid.

I had a few hours quatsi psychosis with no paranoia what's so ever just a little. I wrote about how there's another dimension with a formula to fix our flawed universe and I will find tha formula because it so much sense but when I talked to people online they said I'm going off the rails again though I was typing very calmly.

A lot dripped down my throat so I'm going to get more sedated. I used to take 50-100mg oral and it would knock me out.

My nose was bleeding but always stopped. I think because of the constricted blood vessels.

I think I lost a lot of weight. I wanted to lose a little bit jus to be more fit but this is enough I'm done.

It was just an experiment and I won't be doing this again. I dot know why I did it I think because I'm only good at writing rhymes and ideas when I'm high.

It's come to the point where I dont think of my actions I just do. I never had that feeling before well rarely. The brain just wants to try something and see what I can get out of my delusions of grandeur. I say well I already took 5 so I'll take 4 more and that means I failed so what's the point I'll take another 4. But now that I have used more than anyone else that I know of ever has and abused it so heavily for such a long time, I feel like I don need to but maybe it's because I'm intoxicated idk I'll have to find out ill report back.

This isn't me it's a mental illness it has to be I'm such a good kid I respect authority and such but even the guys at work said "you're too much of a nice kids to be smoking". But it's insane how people have addictive behaviour for different reasons.

I'm 100% sure I'm addicted either I just extremely curious and I always try everything (I won't do any other hard drugs) so I don't feel ashamed. I have a lot of experience with "Tweeking" and I eat before I do it, get enough water, make sure I don't he into a psychosis inducing situation etc.

I just live in the middle o no where and it's cold outside.

I am seeing things but just red dots yellow flags black dots but this always happens if I go even two days without sleep not from stimulants. Few people know that methylphenidate is actually a mild psychedelic which is why I am able to free verse rhymes fluently and write down things that come from my complete subconscious mind.

If this is just an experiment, I will not take the remaining pills until the prescribed day comes. If not, I'm giving them to an adult that I trust to say I've been taking one or two more than usual and I shouldn't because if I mention such an extreme addiction of concerta that probably no one has ever seen before while going on for such a long time, they'll think I'm incapable of being responsible, it will go on my record and I may not be able to get certain jobs when I'm older such as a doctor which I'm working so hard by studying without the pills because I run out.

I know addicts don't admit their problem but I truly believe that I am not addicted jus like how they eventually found out that I don't have an alcohol problem. I jus. Drank on chat rooms on cam and talked to other people tha where intoxicated or others that just like to meet new people.

There's is no way in hell that my psychiatrist will prescribe for such a person that has disrespected him and made him look bad if I tell anyone for abusing it so heavily and horridly. I'm being honest with what I am saying but a lot I people just don't believe me that I do need this medication to function because I think I have severe chronic fatigue and I know I have severe ADHD it's obvious but before I abused it, I said that anyone that abuses their medication deserves for it to be taken away. It's true but not true when I think like this I now know what it is like to be on the other side.

I people read this, they would be disgusted with me of how I could do such a thing by dangering my health, life and being selfish for my loved ones. If people would only take the unbiased time to understand another's situation when they are a psychiatric patient, it would mean everything to me.

[ZehR]

I've been up for a little over two days. Last night I took 500mg of instant methylphenidate because I didn't want to deal with the low of the other 500mg snorted. I don't know why I did this. I'm really scared and I help. I can't keep my eyes open I'm about to fall asleep anywhere.

That was yesterday I wrote that. I had a severe quasi psychotic episode it was really really bad I was spasming out of frustration paranoia ..

My throat, mouth, tongue, lips are burned badly and I had around 20 nose bleeds. I don't remember anything..

Idk what to do I can't stop sleeping

ITS SO HARD TO DO SCHOOL WORK WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME IM AN IDIOT.

I need to tell everyone but how??

[jeanne4933]

ZehR, sounds like you are ready to hit rock bottom?
Please, please tell your psychiatrist, doctor, Mom, Dad and anyone else that cares about you.
You are SCREAMING for help. You can truly beat this demon, but you will need to be in a program, probably inpatient treatment and most importantly you need to detox.
I will pray for you. If you continue at this pace...you will die.
Please don't die. Life is beautiful...Take care and please tell someone/everyone you need HELP!!

[junkDNA]

they make ADHD medications that are not stimulants. maybe try one of those?

i think u should tell ur pdoc about your drug abuse. for many reasons. mostly for your own safety. i know its scary to think about not having it anymore but there is a way to live a full and meaningful and fun life without abusing drugs. i was a drug addict for years and i also abused adderall that was prescribed to me. i too thought it was too scary to not have it. but ive been adderall free for 2 years now. there is a way

[ZehR]

So I told everyone and the reaction was the same as mine.. Thinking about how much I sleep before the concerta, what if I can't have this anymore? My next appointment is on Wednesday. My mom will be given an emergency supply today..

I want to take this as prescribed. I'm sick of these damn mental problems I just want to be normal.

There is other ADHD medications but I've noticed I have some sort of sleep disorder. Also there's nothing as good as methylphenidate/amphetamine..

[ZehR]

Got my extra supply today so 16 pills which is 600mg. That's what I am to use to detox I would guess. I've been sleeping for days and lucky that I didn't get suicidal thoughts and stuff just imagined that it's what a narcoleptic would feel like. If I told them the actual amount that I took, I would probably be put in the hospital an detoxed properly to prevent severe dependence and then treated for cocaine dependence which I don't think I need. I'm not touching the pills jus as prescribed and I will prove the world wrong.

Appointment still waiting a few days I'll update.

[ZehR]

So it's been two weeks and I'm taking as prescribed. Just since I said I would update.