[HollowRhythms]

I've been in active addiction for about seven years, six with opiates which I was able to kick myself, but then turned to alcohol which quickly escalated. . . But, the thing is, I haven't been actually sober for my whole adulthood, well even prior to that. . .

Three or four weeks ago, I went to a program here, and filled out a bunch of paper work and they suggested two weeks detox (I have to get off my benzos, I haven't abused them ever but they don't allow them in residential treatment) I'm going, but the reason I've been using, is because well, I just don't like myself.

I find out more tomorrow, which is great and all, but I have a lot of self doubt, and damn, I haven't been sober since I was a young teen, I don't know any different, have no clue what it'll be like, or whether I can be ok with me sober. It's quite a scary thought, being sober in and of itself..

Having free health care is great and all, but with no insurance, the waiting is really getting to me, I get it'll be hard ya, that's probably an understatement, but it's been so hard to keep in mind it's for the best...

Sorry, it's 4 am here, no one to talk to, everyone's sleeping I needed to get this crap out of my head.

Thanks for reading it, if you took the time...

[splitimage]

Hi there,

Everything you're feeling is totally normal. It's normal to be scared about big changes in your life, and getting sober is pretty huge. I can tell you though that it's worth it. I was drunk all my adult life, and I've been sober, most of the time for the past 7 years. I've had a few relapses. And it's the best decision I made.

I didn't like myself very much when I was drinking, and now I do. It's taken years of therapy to get to that point, but it is possible.

I hear you on the wait lists - they suck. But a lot of rehabs have "getting ready" programs, that meet one or 2 evenings a week, to support you and help you get ready for rehab once you do get in. If you can and the rehab you're going to offers it, I'd suggest attending. It can really help.

If you can't get that support through your rehab, I'd strongly suggest going to AA between detox and rehab. Even if you decide that AA isn't unltimately for you, it can be a good support and a safe place to park yourself so you don't drink, and a place to meet other sober people. And the best part is it's free and there are meetings virtually everywhere.

You didn't say where you are in Canada. But not all rehabs require you to come off benzos for treatment. If you're in a small town you may have limited options, but I can think of a couple of rehabs in Toronto that let you stay on benzos if they've been prescribed by a psychiatrist.

Good luck.

splitimage

[baseline]

Hollow, I am so glad that you finally are getting the help you need and deserve. You are so worth it! I can understand your anxiety and fear it's to be expected. You can do this! Share these feelings tomorrow so that you can get the support you need. Be honest with yourself and your family. Most importantly put yourself first for a change.

[gayleggg]

I think you are showing great strength in getting help. I know that the It will be hard but you can do it. I know there will be a lot of adjustment but I think you will be glad when you kick the addiction. Good luck to you.

Best wishes,
Gayle

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Moogieotter]

Hollow,

You are one of the most beloved persons here at PC. You are strong and a new sober life will be so rewarding for you! You are in everyone's thoughts and prayers!

Love,

moogs

[mountain human]

Good luck on your journey, hopefully to a new, better life. I have seen first hand why a rehab or sober living facility would have a "no tolerance" policy. Benzos especially have an addictive nature and can give a similar feeling like alcohol. Let your rehab know about this as you may have some withdrawal symptoms after stopping.

[HollowRhythms]

Thanks everyone for the advice, kind words, encouragement. Much appreciated, thanks for taking the time to reply.... It's helped a lot.

[baseline]

Good luck today sweetie!!!

[spondiferous]

The beginning is the hardest. Not knowing...the unknown...the hardest part of all. Once you get into it, it develops a rhythm and a life, just like everything else. I thought I'd have no life. WRONG. I never had a life drinking! And I was the life of the party back then!
I can't say I like myself yet. I'm not there, even after nine years of counselling, groups, meetings, etc etc etc. BUT...and this is a BIG BUT...I LOVE SOBRIETY. Period. Life gets incredibly so much better, even if certain things take a long time to change. Recovery and life are not destinations, they're processes; I got fooled by all the stories I heard in early recovery about people getting good jobs, finishing degrees, getting married, having kids, buying houses/cars/whatever, loving and forgiving themselves and everyone else, at only a few years sober. That's possible. It's possible also to have none of that...but still feel without a doubt in your mind that recovery is the best thing that ever happened.
Me, today:
1. on the cusp of 9 years of sobriety.
2. like myself on some days, not so much on others.
3. actually left a good job to go on disability; still dealing with that sometimes, although it's been several years now so I think I've mostly made peace with it.
4. new choices every day.
5. solid relationships.
6. a clear understanding of myself and the world around me.
7. a network to rely on if and when I'm in trouble.
8. bailed myself out of debt single-handedly. (that was huge for me)
9. pay my bills on time, every month, since the day I got sober.
10. learned to be honest, with myself and with others.

I could go on and on. I guess the point is, even if everything doesn't work out exactly the way you want it to, you'll likely find way more reasons to be grateful for getting and staying sober than for not. And then you have the rest of your life to figure out how to live with yourself. I wish you all the best! I check in with this site every day, so please feel free to message me if you ever need or want to talk. I'll only give advice, opinion, etc, if you ask for it.