I have made a huge mistake, and am having a hard time coping with it. I would like to call my therapist and see if she has any extra openings today. But that means telling her what a piece of crap I am. I know I have to.

I have so much going on in my life, and battling depression and addiction surely doesn't help. I "stole" from a friend. Meds. Unfortunately my deranged way of thinking told me I was just borrowing, and would pay her back. That is true, that was my intention. But, she found out before I paid her back. She is very angry with me, and is talking to my husband too. I really wish she would have kept it between us, I am working on this and don't want my husband involved. But she has me "by the balls" so to speak and can slam me anywhere she wants now.

I really saw it as borrowing. That's what this condition does to us. I WAS going to "pay her back." She said she knew I had this problem, and has for a long time. I kind of knew she knew, too.

Believe me, I deserve everything I am getting. She is saying mean, hateful things to me, and I deserve it. I have huge regret. Not that I was caught. I have had it anyway. I am working on this issue in my therapy, but I only recently told my therapist, so it's new ground we are walking on. My friend now has ammunition to really hurt me, and I know she's not afraid to use it. She kind of already has.

Believe me, I know I deserve it. What I did was horribly wrong. I'm having a hard time living with myself.

I just wanted to share this with someone. I've hurt, and violated, a friend, and having a hard time living with that. I'm losing myself.

[gayleggg]

Call your therapist and face the music. It may take a long time to mend the friendship. I would consider that to be a great breach of trust. Pay her back and get help.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[scotsbhoy]

I'm in a similar position. Just remember, it's a coping mechanism that made you do it. I used to think that my coping mechanisms were destructive, bad, etc. until a therapist told me not to be so hard on them as they were the reason I survived to this point and from that point I just had to learn to replace positive with negative ones. I guess it's when you hit rock bottom and do some really low or out of character things that you can really seek help and it's best if those around you know about your behaviours. They'll be the ones you hope will spot crazy behaviours as you move on, or returns to destructive strategies.

Your behaviour is just a symptom of something really deep and damaging that others will not understand. You just gotta be open with them, explain what was going through your head, and try and explain your behaviours. Only then will they UNDERSTAND. It is this understanding that is so hard to find in others, but I reckon if your husband can be the one to understand, you will only get stronger as a couple and deal with everything head on.

I'm proof that there is light at the end of a dark dark tunnel - even though I still have my moments! Tx.

[scotsbhoy]

...and STOP BLAMING YOURSELF...you are not to blame! It's the underlying issues that are to blame, which will no doubt have been caused by someone else!

Thanks for the input. I was too ashamed to even look at this post after I wrote it. I did call my therapist that day, but she didn't have any openings. I was ready to do myself in. I had a session the following day and I told my therapist. It was very hard. I have lost trust, and can't believe I did what I did. Thank you much, sctosbhoy, however I am not one to blame my past or my troubles on mistakes I make now. I'm an adult, I may have been impulsive or not thinking, but I also need to own up to the decision I make. I don't make excuses based on my past or mental issues. My therapist sort of said the same thing, but I won't believe her either. I cannot make excuses for bad behavior. I can't believe I did what I did. I knew she'd find out. In a way, I think it was my sick way to share it with her without actually telling her. I couldn't tell this friend, even though I really wanted to. Thinking back, it's as if I knew that if I did this, she would find out and I wouldn't have to tell her.

One thing this has taught me is I NEVER want to touch them again. I think so far, I've done great. My friend threatened to call the police, and have me sent in for forced help. I honestly think I just got all the help I needed. But I have lost a friend because of it. She won't forgive me, and I don't blame her.

[scotsbhoy]

I understand where you are coming from Aloan regards blame and the past. But you can't escape the fact that the past moulded and shaped you and created many destructive coping mechanism to help us survive. The decisions you make now are very much based on your experience growing up, your DNA and any illness you have (i.e. nature AND bad nurture + illness = different behaviour than the norm).

You also said you were going to pay the money back, so please reassure yourself first that you are not a crook or criminal first, then you can deal with others and their attitudes.

Unfortunately many friends and acquaintances get lost over the years, as they won't take time to acknowledge the issues we have and UNDERSTAND those issues and our subsequent behaviours. The ones that invest some time in you and try to see the world through your eyes - they are the real friends. Anyone who judges your actions through their own eyes will never understand or help e.g. my whole family!

So, make peace with yourself first as you know you are innocent, confide in a friend that will look at the world through your eyes and try and accept that you did not have the choice of illness, your DNA, or how you were brought up, while accepting that you are you and you are unique, beautiful and amazing - anyone who does not want to help or understand you are losing out, not you!

There are many of us who are genuinely unique and not just another sheep in the rat race - that's why the sheep find it hard to accept us!

You take care and let me know how things go! Tx