[Tazling]

I had a drinking problem which sprouted from trying to self medicate for certain anxieties. I only drank alone to begin with, and nobody saw it. A year into the problem I had to move back to living with my parents after my brother surprise visited me and found my bins full of empty bottles. The extent of the problem wasn't fully evident though.

After I moved in with my family my drinking got very bad and I became extremely depressed because now other people were seeing it. About 4 months in was when I began having incredibly disgusting alcohol fueled outbursts where I'd call anyone or anything every name under the sun. At some point I'd fall over myself down the hallway half naked and just in general be scum of the earth to everyone. With just about zero knowledge of what happened in the morning most times. It'd be a complete blackout.

Things were like that for a few months. Even though the episodes were much fewer it really only too the once for me to hate myself.
I started to drink less, my liver was already beginning to give up the ghost so it's probably no surprise. The taste of booze incurred an almost instant vomit response, to get plastered was becoming very difficult. So that probably helped in stopping. Either way I couldn't stay with my family, I couldn't face them for what I had done to them and to myself. So I'm on my own again.

Nobody I knew before all of this happened can look at me the same anymore. I've really messed up my life. I never had a big social circle to begin with. I was always a very shy and polite girl, believe it or not. I never drank before. I'm 21 now. If I could just erase that year with my family. I'd take it all back and forfeit the rest of my life just to know I didn't hurt them like I did.

I could care less for drinking now, I used to buy into that cycle of trying to drink to escape the shame now that I'm by myself again and it won't hurt anyone else, but it's not working anymore. Every day my head feels heavy and I just regret regret regret for every moment. I don't even know how to begin to make this right. I've been hurt badly in my life by other people but it feels like nothing compared to how much I've hurt myself by hurting others.

I don't know why, my mum still loves me, but I'm struggling to live with the shame. I'm a thousand times worse off than before I started to drink and I'd give anything for things to be how they used to. I made a mess of everything and I don't know what to do.

[kaliope]

hi tazling
thank you for sharing your story. it is great that you have quit drinking. now you have to deal with the reasons you were doing it in the first place so you can remain sober and deal with the shame and regret you are feeling. you can do this by joining a 12 step program and counseling. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Fuzzybear]

[CANDC]

Hi Tazling. Welcome to Psych Central(PC). I am so sorry you are suffering from shame and regret. Good idea would be to start therapy and see what is lurking in the past that triggered such an emotional response and addictive behavior. I do not blame you for this. Society, education and parents have not found a way to bring up children without grave traumas. If anyone must be assigned blame, I would put it here.

you are fortunate to have a mother that is empathetic. They can see it as an illness. Perhaps a therapist can bring you to a point where that becomes evident.

Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

You need 5 posts or replies to other posts to use the chat room. There are moderated and unmoderated chat options.

Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Begin by staying sober. The longer you stay sober the better you will feel and the more your family will recognize and appreciate the efforts you are making to stay whole. This takes a long time. It is a long road back but you are young and can turn things around. Take it very slow and don't expect changes overnight. I understand your mom's love. She knows the alcohol buried the goodness that was inside you but she also knows it is still there waiting to be nurtured. She believes in you and now you have to believe in yourself.

Try AA, if you don't stay at least get some books there. The books are helpful. Read as much as you can about alcohol addiction. The physical & psychological connection. Education is key to overcoming this insidious need.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Tazling!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[cloudyn808]

Aloha Tazling,

I did not drink well either... I did the same things you have and felt the way you feel. BUT- I got help and decided the best way I could make up for my past behavior was to STAY sober. It took friends and family awhile to trust me again, but they did. The hardest part was forgiving myself for the pain I had caused others, forgiving myself brought freedom and peace back to my life. Thanks to AA and my own hard work, that was 34-years ago and Ive never taken a drink or drug since. Best wishes on your journey- You will heal soon