[thecrankyone]

My son has started doing the same drug that killed his father, Meth. He also smokes pot and tried other things.

He tries to quit but then says he gets depressed and gives up.

He's 22 and I'm out of solutions. He's currently in jail for not abiding the rules of his Probation and not participating in drug court, among other things.

Any advice. He's and adult so there is only so much I can do, but financial and emotional cost is killing me.

Last night I dreamed that he killed himself. I kept waking up realizing it was only a dream jut to fall back asleep and dream it again. I can't see him do what his father did. He's my son and I can't lose him.

[FireIsland123]

I can't imagine what you are going through. From my own experience, this is beyond your control now. In order to help him, you have to protect yourself FROM him. He is danger to himself and now you. I realize this is harsh, but the only way to save him is to protect yourself so you can be there for him but ONLY after he commits to getting help. You've already lost him. HE needs to decide what he wants his life to be. You cannot do it for him.

[spondiferous]

I'm not a parent of addicts, but all my siblings are/were addicts (I'm the oldest of four). The sibling next to me, my sister, has now been sober 4 years (I've been sober over 9). My brother, the youngest, walks his own path; i'd say it's harm reduction and works for him. My other sister, however, the third child, just passed away last year from her addiction. It's taken a toll on the whole family, my parents and all of us siblings. It's impossible to face the heartbreak of watching someone self-destruct and not be able to help them. In my case it was even more baffling because i'd been there myself and i thought that would somehow enable me with special powers to help her, but it didn't.

I agree with FireIsland123. There's not really anything you can do for him. He has to want to help himself. I would maybe just connect with people with shared/similar experiences, people who can help you come to terms with your own grief and loss and strengthen your own life. Something that was said to me so many times in the first years of sobriety as I watched the destruction and chaos that addiction was wreaking in my family was 'sometimes you have to be able to let go and love them from afar.' it sucks in the biggest way but it's true. sometimes it just comes to the point where it's either let go, or go down with them. i sincerely wish you all the best, my heart goes out to you and you are in my thoughts. if you ever want to talk about it with anyone on here, you can always PM me. Take good care.

[jbuttz]

When I was an addict I used to bring my mom on runs with me after going to the bank to withdraw her money. Never once did I recognize the love she was trying to give. At the time I only seen her as a source of money.

I know how utterly disgusting that can sound and trust me I'm still dealing with that part mentally but I felt like I needed to share that with you. You can show as much love to an addict but sometimes they may not be able to see it. You have to want to get clean for yourself.

[jbuttz]

I wanted to add that it's been a long troubling road but somehow I'm holding strong. My parents NEVER gave up on me but I lost something that is most important and it took a long time to get back. Their TRUST. Please never give up on your child. They at times might act like they would be ok without you but that is the drugs talking.

My parents limited their time with me and also never gave me money. Enough was enough they said. My mother was my biggest enabler. Out of love, she didn't want me sick and me being SICK took advantage of that. It's a long road but please don't give up. I've been clean 14 months, I have 2 beautiful daughters and yes sometimes life is hard but without my families love who knows!

[Caretaker Leo]

I am a parent of an addict. I spent many, many years and a lot of money trying to help him. In the end, I came to understand that I couldn't "fix" him and had to learn how to take care of myself. I was an emotional wreck and became an alcoholic myself. (Gratefully sober now)!

Please consider finding a support group such as Al-Anon. Discovering that you aren't alone and finding others to help you through the emotions is important. As painful as it was, I came to accept that I might lose him (almost did - the doctors were amazed he made it). Even that wasn't enough for him at the time to change himself!

Now, over a year later, my son finally decided for himself that he wants to be clean and sober. He has 4 months now, and at the end of this month he will be turning himself in on open warrants. He accepts that he will be in jail for some time due to the choices he made. I believe this only happened because all of the family, and especially me, let him go completely. He never lost our love, but we refused to give him a place to live or money, and wouldn't remain on the phone when he was ranting, complaining or whining.

We are powerless to change anyone except ourselves.

[Mygrandjourney]

I think that learning to set limits and say, "No" is one of the most important things a parent can do. Ultimately, you will need to determine what you are and aren't willing to do with your son, but he is going to have to figure out when he is ready to quit and take recovery seriously. Not giving up on him is important, but you don't have to do things that further his addiction along. For example: he is in jail and probably needs to be. Will he ask you to pay for an attorney or a rehab (often they offer rehab as an alternative to incarceration)? You could find a list of free/low cost legal representation and a list of rehabs that will work with him and then he can make the calls, for example.

[thecrankyone]

I am paying for him to have commissary and phone, but he qualifies for public defender. I could never afford a private attorney. He had 2 chances for drug court but didn't take either one. He may get a reduced sentence or if he is lucky he may serve in a rehab/halfway house of sorts.

He wants to go straight, he is just having a hard time. He has great welding skills, but he also has a record which makes it harder to get a job. He also smokes pot so he wouldn't' pass the drug test with out staying off of it.

He does try to do a lot for me, but he always feels like he needs to be the one to fix everything, even if it isn't his responsibility. He also seems to have make money schemes, some of which aren't completely legal. (not get rich quick, but still not a good idea)

[jbuttz]

If he wants to get better then he has to remove himself from the drug friends. I deleted everyone who uses drugs off of Facebook. Now of course I have no friends but that's okay.

Worth it in the end!

[Mygrandjourney]

Originally Posted by thecrankyone

I am paying for him to have commissary and phone, but he qualifies for public defender. I could never afford a private attorney. He had 2 chances for drug court but didn't take either one. He may get a reduced sentence or if he is lucky he may serve in a rehab/halfway house of sorts.

He wants to go straight, he is just having a hard time. He has great welding skills, but he also has a record which makes it harder to get a job. He also smokes pot so he wouldn't' pass the drug test with out staying off of it.

He does try to do a lot for me, but he always feels like he needs to be the one to fix everything, even if it isn't his responsibility. He also seems to have make money schemes, some of which aren't completely legal. (not get rich quick, but still not a good idea)

IMHO: An addict using pot is still engaging in substance abuse. His continued use is going to affect his legal issues as well as his employment prospects. Welders can make up to 100k/year if they have their act together. If he doesn't have any violent crimes on his record, he can likely find some sort of work, but he will need to decide whether or not it is worth giving up the pot.