[DePressMe]

My father is nearing the end of his alcoholism. He is only 58 but he is dying. He has 2 teeth left and is basically starving to death. He is severely depressed and is not eating. He drinks from the moment he wakes up until he passes out. He was extremely bloated and slightly overweight from the booze, but now he has lost all the weight and is thin as a rail except for his protruding stomach. I don't know how much longer his body will last.

My brother and I are both in recovery. Due to violence and another brother that is insane, we had to remove ourselves from the situation in order to preserve our own safety and sanity. I am dealing with it fairly well, but my brother is struggling. He feels as if he has abandoned my father to die--he is taking on the responsibility for my father and is blaming himself for not helping my father. I have had long conversations with him--trying to help him see that my father has a disease--that the disease has taken over his life and we can not force him to stop drinking. Even if the drinking is killing him. We can't help him until he decides he wants to be helped...in no way whatsoever are we responsible for his alcoholism or his situation in life or his eventual death. Ultimately, my father has to make the choice--we can't do it for him.

Also, we can't put ourselves in danger--we have to take care of us if we ever want to be there to help him (if he ever decides to stop drinking). I have seen my father once in 10 years. I have not abandoned him--I keep him in my heart--I carry him with me. I am taking care of me--I am keeping myself sane--I can't live in that type of violence and suffer the abuse. A part of me believes that my father wants me to be happy--that he wants the best for me--that he would want me to take care of myself. Although I have suffered abuse from him, deep in his heart he does not want me to hurt. After all, he is my father and the love for your children is special. He is a very sick person--it is the alcohol that makes him do the bad things--he is not evil--he is sick.

I believe that my father loves me. He is just unable to show it. I have forgiven him for the abuse, but my brother still holds a tremendous amount of anger about how we were and continue to be treated by my father. On one hand my brother is angry with him but on the other hand he loves him and it is tearing him apart that he can not help my father.

My father basically has nothing--he is living in poverty--he is facing jail for fraud. He is absolutely miserable. Sometimes I think that the only thing that keeps him going is the thought of his next drink--the illusion that it will somehow make things better. Even though it is just forcing him deeper and deeper into misery.

My brother and I are my fathers legacy. We honor him by growing into good, respectful members of society. We have overcome severe abuse, broken the cycle of poverty and violence...we are successful, well rounded adults. If my father was not blinded by alcohol, he would be proud of us.

I am really worried about my brother. I worry about the toll this is taking on his sobriety--my biggest fear is that he will relapse. My other fear is that he will live his life with the heavy weight of guilt for something he has no control over. My father has taken our childhood from us--he has scarred us and given the opportunity would continue to abuse us. He has stolen the joy out of our childhood and I fear he is going to suck the happiness out of my brothers adult life. This makes me want to scream. It frustrates me, angers me...saddens me. I love my brother and I want him to finally enjoy his life--to find some peace. His life has been hell, he deserves better. I just wish he believed that he deserves better--that he deserves to be happy--he has paid his dues--it is time for him to find peace.

If I had one wish in the world, it would be that my brother learned to love himself and to come to terms with this so he can enjoy what is left of his life. He has suffered too long. Alcoholism has stolen so much from him--it does not seem fair that he should suffer so much. I hate alcoholism--I hate what it does to people's lives--the intense pain it causes--the absolute misery it leads to.

Tonight my heart is heavy. My brother has an adorable little boy inside him that needs to be let out--that needs to finally heal. Peace, the boy needs to find peace. He deserves to be happy.

[chalmette70043]

((((((((((depressme)))))))))))

ya'll in my thoughts

[Raynaadi]

((((( DePressMe )))))

I am so sorry that you and your family are going through such hard times. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that not only wreaks havoc in those of us it strikes, but also in our families.

It sounds like you have taken great strides to protect yourself and your sobriety. Does your brother have help? Does he see a councelor or have a support system? I know you've mentioned your wonderful support, I just wonder if your brother has that too or if he's relying on you? I hope that he finds some peace and serenity too.....very sad times. Just know that if he relapses, it's not anything you did or didn't do.....I hope things get better. Please keep us posted.


~Rayna

[splitimage]

((((DePressMe)))

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this and witness your father's struggles. It makes it all the more amazing that you have broken the cycle for yourself. Can you talk to your brother about maybe trying Alanon or adult children of Alcoholics - they might be able to help him find some support.

Best wishes.

--splitimage

[DePressMe]

My brother has just recently started opening up to me about this. He has one other friend he talks with about it. Tonight he mentioned he might go see a counselor. I strongly encouraged him to do that. Overall, he sees asking for help or relying on others as a weakness--he thinks strangers have no business knowing this about him. He does not go to AA or any other type of support group. He keeps much of this locked up inside of him where it is festering and getting worse. He is making some progress in the fact that he is opening up to me and considering seeing a counselor. I think he is reaching a point of desperation--now he will either get better or...well, not. I don't see how he can continue to live like this for too much longer. Something will have to give. I just pray it is in a positive direction not back to the bottle or worse.

I will continue to talk with him and reassure him my fathers alcoholism and situation in life is not his fault. I will let him know I care, I love him and that I am here for him. I know that I am not responsible for how this all works out--I am not responsible for my brother--just like he is not responsible for my father.

It is amazing how alcohol continues to hurt us--even now that we are not drinking--which by the way is nothing short of a miracle. I am extremely grateful to be sober and he says he is too.

I hope people who read my initial post see where drinking ultimately leads--it is a miserable dead end. As recovering alcoholics and drug addicts we have much to be grateful for...it could be me and if I don't continue to work in my recovery I could still end up in the same situation. If nothing else, my father motivates me to continue to work on my sobriety...seeing him and knowing that could become me makes me work extra hard. I hope nobody takes this the wrong way but in some sense my father is giving me a gift--I just wish it was in some other way.

[Raynaadi]

Yes...it is sad that we learn our lessons from others such as this....however it is good to get into gratitude that they did the research for us.

[MyBestKids2]

((((DePressMe and brother))))

keeping you both close in my heart

[Soidhonia]

(((DEPRESSME))). It is a very sad situation that you have to deal with in your life at this time regarding your father. It is also very wise to keep yourself safe. Maybe in time your brother will consider going to Al-Anon or another group that can offer him support. Thrapy is also a good option for your brother to help him stay safe in his emotional struggles he is having at this time. Take care. Soidhonia