[Amethyst_Stargazer]

My addictions went spiraling out of control. I lost one of my boyfriend's to Crystal Meth and he overdosed. For so long I was depressed, I beat myself up constantly, thought I was a horrible person, stupid, weak, ugly, I hated myself. I abused different kind of pills for years. On top of it I drank and tried other drugs that people in my circle tried. All I ever wanted to do was numb my pain from getting abused as a child and when I was bullied by others. As I was abusing drugs I felt horrible and I hated looking at myself in the mirror. It was the hardest thing I ever had to face and went through in my entire life. I used to lie to my ex boyfriend to go get high with someone else. After I did it and saw him again, I felt horrible and cried in the bathroom when he went to go get something to eat. In the end I left him to go hang out with my new friends that I met and ended up hurting him in the process. As days went by I still thought of him and missed him daily. In the end I fell in love with someone who understood my pain and he went through something similar as me. Often I talked to my ex boyfriend and I wasn't surprised when he hardly spoke to me because I hurt him so much.... and this gave me pain. I was so tired of hurting him and others who I cared about. So many nights I cried and wish I could have rewind back time to get him back because deep down I still loved him. Finally I let go of my old boyfriend the deeper I went and fell more in love with the guy that I was speaking too. He ended up dying and overdosing on me. His addiction was Crystal Meth and it took me awhile to get over him.

In the end I spoke to my old boyfriend again and we re-connected. It took him quite awhile to trust me again. I opened up to him about things that I needed to get off of my chest and clear the air. I lost many friends in my life. It was important to me to clear the air with him. The longer I hung out with him, feelings grew for him once again. One night we fought over the phone and I still can't get what he said to me as he sobbed, "Didn't you know how much I loved you than? Atleast you had my love. I loved you so much." We didn't speak for another month and in the end our connection grew stronger. Him and I still work through together everyday. We may not be together now but our connection with each other, trust and understand of one another is so much better since I've been clean. I smiled so much when I got Christmas presents from him in the mail from him. I lost someone and it affected me deeply. He may not understand it or know the pain I've been through but he does listen. He's very patient and listens to me. He's the same guy I once fell in love with. I'm so much happier since I've clean. I feel as I'm a better person too and I grew stronger. Anytime he messages over Facebook, I can't stop smiling. I promised myself that from now on I'm going to be honest with people and not lie, help others and go to therapy so I can get over my past and do something with my life. I no longer want to feel this pain anymore. I no longer want to numb it anymore. I'm tired of numbing it. I'm a much better person today.

[Misssy2]

Did your X boyfriend use Meth too?

You are really blessed that you are clean and I pray for you that you are able to stay that way...it is difficult. I have never used Meth or Crack...but I know people that have and I am an alcoholic and in my belief..all addiction is the same in its destructive pattern.

Your friends dying..people say that we should learn from others addictions and poor fate but it just doesn't work that way. All it does is bring more guilt when we go back to our drug when we know that it has killed loved ones and we are like thinking we are getting away with it...so much guilt.

For me..I have to want to live..and I have to stay away from alcohol.
As far as the good feelings you are getting from this old boyfriend....one day at a time...live the best you can and be the happiest you can be.

It is proven in research that the happier a person is...the least likely it is for them to grab for their addiction...so take whatever happiness you can get!

[emgreen]

I'm glad you're happier now that you're clean. It sounds like it's been a long, rocky road for you.

[Amethyst_Stargazer]

No my old boyfriend didn't use Meth. In fact he doesn't really like it at all and gets sad anytime I mention when I used to abuse drugs. Anytime I look at his face I see a look of sadness and it looks as if he's in pain anytime he hears me bring it up. So now I try not to bring it up anymore because I don't want to upset him or make him upset. He might not admit but he's pretty sensitive deep down and I am too.

I work with my therapist now and working on myself healing. I come on here anytime I'm struggling with things and need to get things off of my chest because I hate keeping things inside of me. I can express myself more in writing than verbally. The only person I feel comfortable opening up to in person is not many people. My therapist knows a lot about me though. I don't like putting things on other people's shoulders because I know other people are going through their own struggles but people do support me when I need it. That's all I truly need. They can support me but they can never take away my pain. I don't expect anyone too. For a long time I expected way too much from people because I was struggling so much and I think that was kinda selfish of me. I'll be honest and say that. I just felt lost at the time and didn't know what to do. I'm glad things are improving for me though.

[danh19]

it's amazing that you managed to overcome all the **** you went through it sounds like you should be proud

[danh19]

it sounds like you got a lot to be proud of you went through a lot of **** but managed to come through the other side