Making bad choices again

My depression and mental health is at rock bottom . a male friend of mine keeps texting and calling me offering me drugs . ive been ignoring him completely . but today he turned up at my home uninvited . he offered to come back this evening with a drug i used to be addicted to . i stupidly said yes . he will probably expect me to sleep with him in return for the drugs . im not happy about any of it but im feeling suicidal . i want to feel better . now I just keep looking at the time . I can't stop thinking about the drugs now . I just want to feel better even though it's just for a short time . drugs seem to follow me . people who take them seem to find me. He has been trying to have a sexual relationship with me . and now he has found a weakness in me that will help him get his own way . this has happened to me before and it didn't end well . obviously the underlying problem is me . but these people seek me out . they find my weakness get me back on drugs for their own needs and purposes . they always figure out that I used to take drugs . they figure out what that drug was . then they wait till I'm at rock bottom with my depression and mental health and they offer me this drug I was addicted to for free . well I say free but that's bs . nothing is ever free. There is always a catch . I wish these people would stop finding me . but at the same time I'm kind of excited right now because I know I'm going to feel good in a few hours . I don't know why I'm writing this . I don't know what I will gain from sharing this .

Oh boy....this is not good at all.

Men wish they could do this...just have sex for drugs.
I was told that females do this alot...I'm a female.

i have been fortunate enough to have money to buy my alcohol my entire life and can never picture myself in a bind where I would be willing to do this for anything.

I feel sorry for you that the addiction has so much of a hold on you.
Have you ever been to inpatient treatment?

I really don't want to have sex with him . and maybe I won't . I'm just thinking about the drug . but I don't want to make him mad either .
I feel really bad that I shared this . I dont want to be judged on here of all places .
I've never been an inpatient . I once went to get help for my drug problem and ended meeting someone there who convinced me to buy drugs for me and him . we did the drugs at his place and he let me stay at his because I had no money left to get home . he spent hours trying to make me sleep with him and it was horrible . I thought he would leave me in the street if I didn't do what he wanted . if he has spent his money I would of felt like I owed him . but it was me who spent mine . I didn't do anything with him .
I dont think I'm going to do anything today that I don't want to do . I will just give him money then he can't make me do anything .

...I feel like you just exspained my whole life since I started using..except for the sex part.but still I was used in more ways than one..I keep messing up but I just do what I can to pick my self up and start again to stay sober...I wish all the best luck to you and hope you keep in touch

Keep your door locked. Don't answer. Delete his number/block. Go no contact. He's not your friend. You're in charge.

Seek out support if you are close to relapse. You're worth it!

Take care.