Daily Check In #3

Dang it, I forgot about posting yesterday - today is 601 days...

They found an ovarian cyst, schmorl’s nodes on my spine multiple ones and bone on bone between two vertebrae, as well something with my right lung making it hard for me to breathe. All from the CT scan I am in terrible amount of pain all I wanna is drink and I have the money for it which obviously scares me.

My friend just texted me I need her but she wants to isolate. She doesn’t want me to take it personally then why why the fox sakes did she message me. I am not feeling well at all I need my friends more now then ever before. All this stuff scares me and the hospital is a gong show I talked with a doctor last night who said I was junkie and then a psychiatrist who asked me why I was here and what level of education I had. I spent all the morning in bed in pain finally I took a hydromorphine with gravol. I take them sparingly I am scared like I said but there is no one around to help me out because my friends want to be left alone.

greentires4me,
I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at the hospital. Do they have a patient complaints process?

I totally get the desire to drink. But think about how much sober time you have, and how you've gotten through stuff sober. Take it a minute at a time if you have to.

4 months today. Feels good.

Hey,

I’m doing okay I guess. Getting pretty fed up of drinking and it’s doing no good for my digestive system. Just patiently waiting for my referral to come through. Should be sometime next week.

I’m going to visit my parents over the first weekend of March. I figure I’ll probably manage to get by with just a couple of drinks in the evening. Will be hard but I’m usually better at moderating when I’m staying with them.

I've been struggling with drinking for years. I started drinking around 13, heavily around 15, and constantly at 21. I had periods of sober time in my life tho not many. A few days or weeks here and there. Sometimes 30 days, occasionally 60. Right now I'm over 4 months sober. I don't remember what day I decided it was the time to just lady up and cut the crap already. I was sick of what I was doing. Sick of the person I had become. That was not me!! And now I watch my boyfriend get drunk every day. Yes we met as drinkers and I chose to quit but he tells me he wants to stop too. We argue over it all the time. Not necessarily the booze but how he treats me when he's drunk. It's not fun. But when he's sober.. totally different man. Alcohol is the devil. I used to say this every day waking up with a hangover. Those are gone now. I find my mental clarity is vastly improved since I stopped the drink. I also stopped almost all the psych meds too. I'm no longer foggy headed, sleeping 18 hours a day, depressed, my anxiety has decreased, overall since cutting alcohol and meds out I feel SO much better. My head and emotional state is clearer than it has been in years. I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. First time since I've stopped drinking and cut the meds. I wonder if she will register as much improvement as I feel? I took my Cna recertification test on February 14 and am waiting for the results. Major anxiety happening over that!! But I do feel I'm ready to head back to work and rejoin society.

Congratulations Calypso2632!!

I'm having major cravings to drink right now - won't, there are advantages to being flat broke, and on antabuse, but it's driving me a bit nuts. I think it's because I'm tapering off clonazepam which feels a bit like alcohol withdrawal and cross tapering onto valium, which feels a bit too much like alcohol. In short my brain is a bit of a chemical mess at the moment. Plus I'll have money again on Thurs., and Fri. as that's when I get my disability cheque and the money from my brother. So that's future opportunity so my brain is trying to convince me to stop the antabuse. Not going to happen.

I've made it this far. I'm determined not to go backwards. I just wish I could unscrew the top of my head, pull out my brain and give it a good rinse in cold water to hopefully knock some sense into it.

splitimage

I drank a glass of wine then snorted ketamine and threw up then went to sleep

Now I'm depressed

I did something I didn't regret, now I'm a little down realized I have to start over. Day 1

I haven't checked in for a while. Day 616; still tooling along...

1,330 days today...I sprained my ankle..and bruised my left hand side and my elevator is down in my building so I had to use the fing stairs to get up but it was working to get down so I don’t get why it stopped working.

I'm tempted to buy a thousand xanax for cheap just to chill out but I know that would be a bad idea

Careful I heard Xanax on the street is coming but it’s actually fentanyl dressed like Xanax...

D: .....

I took 2mg lorazepam which is 1mg xanax or 1mg clonazepam or 20mg diazepam...

I hate this feeling. I'm so numb. It feels like alcohol. I might as well just drink alcohol.

This isn't the same as it was. I had a ****** past so I did it. This chills me out to where I can't think. It should only be used for panic attacks.

Meditation would be better next time.

Hi everyone. I was in a serious accident yesterday - fell headfirst down 15 concrete steps and landed on my head. I have serious swelling and brusing. In the hospital they gave me 2 doses of Fentanyl - man is that stuff strong, and then one dose of hydromorphine, which made me really dizzy.

They discharged me with a script for Tylenol 3, which are like Tylenol with codeine. They're the highest you can get, without getting into heavy duty opiates. I'm a little nervous about it, as I used to abuse opiates, but that was over 6 years ago now. So far, I've only taken 2 pills - once last night at bed time, and one this morning. I'm a little nervous about them since they can exacerbate the CNS depression effects of my clonazepam and valium, so I'm only taking one at a time, when I'm allowed to take 2.


I'm posting here just so that someone will know, and I'll have some accountability.

splitimage

You have a major concussion they should have kept you longer then that. Or TBI...their stupid to tell your the truth. Do you have ringing in the ears? Pills or pain pills don’t make **** like this go away. If your vision changes go back into the hospital right away. And tell them you want a CAT or CT scan of your head.

I'm going to tell my mom that I ordered half a gram of xanax in blotter form and it was a stupid decision.

Thanks Greentires, They did do a CT scan of my head and entire spine, and warned me that I have a concussion. They gave me a list of symptoms to look out for that would mean i'd need to go back to an ER. So far I haven't had any of them. Just really bad swelling and the left side of my body is all various shades of purple.


I'm just waiting for a call to schedule a follow-up with their TBI clinic. In the meantime I'm just lying around listening to music.

splitimage

I hope all ends well, splitimage.

I am sorry you fell, do you know why that happened?
and worry about TBI.
You are lucky that you did not break anything and that you are just bruised.
mom fell down flight of stairs carpeted and broke her collar bone. She was lucky she did not break her neck.
And so are you!
I hope you heal soon.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi
3rd day AF observing lent alcohol free til easter.

Thanks everyone,

Bizi, I think part of the reason I fell was that it was dark and there was no handrail going down the stairs. And you're right it could have been a lot worse. I remember waiting at the bottom of the steps for the EMT's thinking I was lucky I didn't break my neck.


I look completely horrible from the bruising and swelling around my eyes and that's going to take a couple of weeks at least to heal. I'm still waiting for the TBI clinic to call me, they call within 10 days of referral so I should here from them, this coming week.


A friend came over yesterday to drive me around to the drugstore and a small grocery shopping so that I'd have food, without having to go downstairs to my building's convenience store. That was really nice of her.

splitimage