Daily Check In #3

I bought a bottle of rum. I need a therapist but I see a new one in 2 weeks. I can't tell my mom anything unless I'm a mess and I have to do it.

I don't know what to do at low points like this.

Feeling a bit better. I only had one glass with coke then my mom told me not to have another one.

Sometimes I get utterly hopeless.

Desoxyn, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I can't remember do you see a pdoc or therapist? If so, it would probably be helpful to talk with them about how you're feeling. I do know that after stopping drugs/alcohol that you can go into a depressed state. But good for you for stopping after only one drink of the rum, even if it was because your Mom told you to.

Whisperingskye, I'm sorry that your caseworker sounds so awful. I'd definitely ask to see someone else. As for being uncomfortable in groups, I've done a lot or them, and they do get easier with time and practice, if you can wait out the first couple of sessions of feeling uncomfortable.

Childofchaos, Well done on making it over a year. And you're right drinking only makes mental health issues worse. I can attest to that from experience.

For once in my life I made a good decision. I got some money unexpectedly, which is a huge trigger for me. So on Tues., I had a really strong urge to go to the bar and have a few - combination of being hot and tired. But then I remembered that I was out of one of the supplements my Dr. wants me to take, and it's expensive, so I decided it was more important to me to buy the supplement than to drink, so I did that. then as a reward and because I was carrying 2 big bags of groceries, I decided to take a cab home. It felt good to know I made the right decision.

splitimage

Desoxyn - Good to hear you hung and feel better. Remember that it happens - it will get better. Hang on to that when the darkness comes.

Whisperingskye - glad you took action but wish you had better luck with your case worker. I would ask for a different assignment.

Last night was one of the first times I have been out with a group where there was significant drinking. I had outed myself to one guy who was there so that I had a safety person who would call me out if I ordered something. The guy across from pounded a few large strong beers (16 oz glasses of craft beer) and I resisted the urge to tell him that's problematic. He definitely would have spent a night in jail if he were pulled over on the way home.
It was actually a good experience for me. I enjoyed the conversations, the jokes were still funny and I really didn't feel any strong urge to drink. Just that slightly remorseful longing - it would be nice if I could have one glass of craft beer with my meal. But I know I can't and it wasn't a strong feeling that I dwelt on or anything. Just a passing thought.

I am less than a week away from a year. I am at home, waiting for a bug guy to come today to look for bedbugs - we found just one and no one has been bitten but we figured we should get the free inspection. That means all bedrooms need to be unlocked. My wife has been locking hers (we sleep separate) with prescriptions put away inside. Today she took all the medication with her in a bag to lock in the car. I told her I am under a week away from a year and her other choice was to show some confidence in me. She said that's never going to happen because of my failures in the past; all possibility of trust has been destroyed. It's a shame; I feel like it is my fault but a split seems inevitable now.

Hi guys. I'm alive. Back on day 6 today. Basically went on a huge pill bender, lost a lot of time. I can't account for much of what I did or said for a few days, but I must have really messed up with my friend cause she hasn't spoken to me in 6 days. I went to detox and got kicked out on my 3rd day. Was in psychosis and fighting with the nurses. "We're not a mental health facility" they said, and kicked me out on my ***. But it's been 3 days since then and I'm still clean. Pulled a muscle in my rib cage somewhere by coughing too hard, stupid smoker's cough But whatever, the road to recovery is rocky and it's definitely not linear. Gonna pick myself up, dust myself off and keep on trying.

Jess, I wondered how you were doing since we hadn't heard from you in a while. Sorry you are having a tough time but glad you are still working on it. I don't understand the detox center's actions at all - addiction is a mental health issue and psychosis is not rare during detox.

Tick tock - watching the clock. I probably won't stay up for it, but in 6 hours I could celebrate one year...

Yeah I wondered that too. I had a nurse ask me if I wanted her to call the hospital and put me in the ward the first night I was there but I thought I had to detox first. Then they kicked me to the curb, refused to call the hospital, sent me away in a cab without asking where I was going.

YAY Congrats Up <3

Congrats UpDownAround. You rock.

I'm going to force myself to go back to IOP today - I wimped out on the last few days. Then I see my councillor, and go for acupuncture. The acupuncture will be my reward for going.

splitimage

One year!

I would like to say it flew by, but that would be a lie. It did get a lot easier after the first few weeks and even easier after a few months.

Congratulations!!!

To making it your 1 year I am so proud of you now what are you going to do?

Just go on with my life as a non drinker/user.

Whoop whoop! Still trailing back there!

Just stay out front, breaking the trail for me...

I am so frigging triggered to drink right now - bad news about my taxes from revenue Canada, ex-roommate pressuring me for money, and me feeling like a loser for not having money since I'm on disability. All hot buttons.

But I'm not going to drink. I'm home for the evening. I'm in my pj's already, and I refuse to call Dial a Bottle as I can't afford them. Plus I don't want to blow the few months sobriety I do have.

Just had to get it out.

Hang in there, Splits!

Today marks 17days till my 3 years...

Will do!

I did my 5th step on Saturday. Gonna meet with my sponsor this Friday to keep moving forward. I can't stall put like I have in the past. I've never gotten thru the 9th step, always stalled and relapsed.

Count down: 15 days lol

Do I reset today? Or do I keep it the way it is??? I did slip with one addiction but it isn't the one I'm working on right now....

It’s really up to...some people say absence from all drugs/alcohol is the way to go. But It depends what you see is true to you!

30 days clean and sober!

I can go months without anything. But then I try to 'bump' my mood and it starts all over again.

When will this cycle end?!

Over one year sober. But temptation is knocking on the door. If I drink, I die. It's that simple.

It gets easier after you start a NEW routine. 30 days is terrific.

Regardless of the substance. Absence is the essence of self control.