Daily Check In #3

Went to a double recovery meeting yesterday, and it was really good. I think I'm going to make that meeting, part of my weekly routine.

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Are you being as clear to your family and friends about what you are feeling as you are here?

I try so hard to be but most times lately I get flustered and upset.

It is very clear to me that you should be getting help. I think close friends and family care but that you aren't getting through to them about how you feel.

I'm on my day 30 completely clean and sober. May 18 was my 44th birthday. After too many years of denial, I finally had that honest conversation with myself on the 15th. I gave myself a few more days to drink to get it out of my system for good, then quit on the 18th. It was the best birthday present I could have given myself.

Being away from booze for this long has cleared my mind and my emotions incredibly. Alcohol is evil. Once it gets its claws into you, it makes you believe you need it to help deal with all of the anxiety and sadness in your life. What you can't understand though, is that the alcohol is causing 90% or more of all of that negativity. It makes believe that everything is infinitely more difficult and practically insurmountable without it. It saps all of your confidence and removes any chance of maturing emotionally. Yet you will never be able to see this for youreself until you get away from alcohol for at least a few weeks, maybe longer. And you have to stop telling yourself that you need that poison in your life. If you miss it at all, if you feel like you're missing out on something by not drinking, you're never going to move past it and it will always have its claws in you. That's the way it works. Pure evil. Like a devil in liquid form.

I'm the poster-child for anxiety. It has defined most of my life until now. Without alcohol the last few weeks, after the first week or so of detoxing of course, I've been less anxious than I can ever remember. I've experienced pure happiness the past few weeks that I had forgotten was even possible. Sobriety is severely underrated.

Congratulations Distorted Me. 30 days is awesome. Glad you're seeing the benefits of sobriety.

I have to say acupuncture has been something of a miracle cure for me. My cravings for alcohol are almost completely gone. Now when I think about having a drink, I have a just kind of "Meh, why bother?" feeling. Definitely going to keep going.

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Single digit days until 1 year...

3 weeks clean and sober! Feeling great, like there's nothing to be afraid of and no one to get worked up about. Breezing...yep

Keep up the good work!!

Nice work!

Way to go zijax. 3 weeks is awesome. Keep up the good work.

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Still trucking along... 1 year and 11 days... pretty miserable mood tho.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

I have to keep reminding myself that alcohol and drugs really didn't fix that; it was more like a snooze button for your life.

That is exactly what is was like for me! After a bit, sometime even just a couple days, the drugs and alcohol started to make all of the mental issues so much worse.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

I am officially under alcohol services. While I know this is necessary I might have to make some changes. My keyworker seems absolutely useless. I had an initial assessment with him, and he is just so slow and seems clueless, and spent more time just writing in his diary than actually talking to me. I saw him again on Tuesday, this time I brought my partner with me. And while I had warned her what he was like, I could tell she was not impressed by him. We were meant to be doing a risk assessment, he was answering questions for me and not accepting or believing my answers, and was clearly clueless about mental health. As we were leaving my partner said “I think we should say something, and get your keyworker changed” but I let it slide.

I have to attend a group on Monday, which he did not even check was going to be a problem. Nevermind I’m planning to return to work this week, and Monday is one of my set days. Nevermind I struggle in groups, again he didn’t ask how I felt about that, just said that’s what I had to do. So now I have to try and change my sets shifts. I’m feeling disheartened already, but I think when I go in on Monday I will try and get my keyworker changed because I just know he is not a good match, and it’s not going to help having one to one sessions with him.

I bought a bottle of rum. I need a therapist but I see a new one in 2 weeks. I can't tell my mom anything unless I'm a mess and I have to do it.

I don't know what to do at low points like this.

Feeling a bit better. I only had one glass with coke then my mom told me not to have another one.

Sometimes I get utterly hopeless.

Desoxyn, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I can't remember do you see a pdoc or therapist? If so, it would probably be helpful to talk with them about how you're feeling. I do know that after stopping drugs/alcohol that you can go into a depressed state. But good for you for stopping after only one drink of the rum, even if it was because your Mom told you to.

Whisperingskye, I'm sorry that your caseworker sounds so awful. I'd definitely ask to see someone else. As for being uncomfortable in groups, I've done a lot or them, and they do get easier with time and practice, if you can wait out the first couple of sessions of feeling uncomfortable.

Childofchaos, Well done on making it over a year. And you're right drinking only makes mental health issues worse. I can attest to that from experience.

For once in my life I made a good decision. I got some money unexpectedly, which is a huge trigger for me. So on Tues., I had a really strong urge to go to the bar and have a few - combination of being hot and tired. But then I remembered that I was out of one of the supplements my Dr. wants me to take, and it's expensive, so I decided it was more important to me to buy the supplement than to drink, so I did that. then as a reward and because I was carrying 2 big bags of groceries, I decided to take a cab home. It felt good to know I made the right decision.

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Desoxyn - Good to hear you hung and feel better. Remember that it happens - it will get better. Hang on to that when the darkness comes.

Whisperingskye - glad you took action but wish you had better luck with your case worker. I would ask for a different assignment.

Last night was one of the first times I have been out with a group where there was significant drinking. I had outed myself to one guy who was there so that I had a safety person who would call me out if I ordered something. The guy across from pounded a few large strong beers (16 oz glasses of craft beer) and I resisted the urge to tell him that's problematic. He definitely would have spent a night in jail if he were pulled over on the way home.
It was actually a good experience for me. I enjoyed the conversations, the jokes were still funny and I really didn't feel any strong urge to drink. Just that slightly remorseful longing - it would be nice if I could have one glass of craft beer with my meal. But I know I can't and it wasn't a strong feeling that I dwelt on or anything. Just a passing thought.

I am less than a week away from a year. I am at home, waiting for a bug guy to come today to look for bedbugs - we found just one and no one has been bitten but we figured we should get the free inspection. That means all bedrooms need to be unlocked. My wife has been locking hers (we sleep separate) with prescriptions put away inside. Today she took all the medication with her in a bag to lock in the car. I told her I am under a week away from a year and her other choice was to show some confidence in me. She said that's never going to happen because of my failures in the past; all possibility of trust has been destroyed. It's a shame; I feel like it is my fault but a split seems inevitable now.

Hi guys. I'm alive. Back on day 6 today. Basically went on a huge pill bender, lost a lot of time. I can't account for much of what I did or said for a few days, but I must have really messed up with my friend cause she hasn't spoken to me in 6 days. I went to detox and got kicked out on my 3rd day. Was in psychosis and fighting with the nurses. "We're not a mental health facility" they said, and kicked me out on my ***. But it's been 3 days since then and I'm still clean. Pulled a muscle in my rib cage somewhere by coughing too hard, stupid smoker's cough But whatever, the road to recovery is rocky and it's definitely not linear. Gonna pick myself up, dust myself off and keep on trying.