Daily Check In #3

Craving crack cocaine because I could feel a strong rush from my morning cigarette

Hang in there Desoxyn.
You know it's not worth it.
splitimage

It’s a funny number today I had a laugh it’s 3, 2, 1. Or 3 years 2 months 1 day.

I'm at 1-3-5... 1 year, 3 months, 5 days. Heh.

Congrats. I like to look for the patterns also. After we got to a year, it made the next big milestone pretty far away. I missed posting about 444 yesterday. Maybe in a week and a half I will remember to post at 456...

It’s been one month

It's been 3 months without engagement with another person IRL. And 2 days with self.

Depressed again. Want to get another script from Dr. for Adderall because it helps with depression. But my huband takes them and shoots it up. hes always had a problem for them but I need them for my depression. Should I get it and not tell him? Hide them from him. Last time I only got 9 days out of a 30 day supply because he took them all. Dont know what to do.

Awesome! Congratulations!

Yes, I would hide them. You might ask the doctor about trying Vyvanse. It is a similar stimulant but less subject to abuse according to my pdoc. I had abuse trouble with adderall and had to stop taking it. I turned down vyvanse also.

His Last dose of kratom this morning, feeling better already. Next wants to be off amphs, then hash, then all will be well ahhhh it’s so much more comforting feeling In control of your life.

What app do you like to use for staying well?

I use I Am Sober app.
This is what some of it looks like for me..


They also have pledges they just added that I don’t use it personally. But you could use it for each day you remain sober.

Well I've been drinking on and off - trying controlled drinking and it was going ok, until Sun. Sun I ordered a mickey of vodka and drank it passed out and threw up when I was passed out. Fortunately I was on my side so I just messed up the bed and didn't choke, but I'm not impressed. I broke my no hard liquor and no drinking at home rules, so I'm ready to give abstinence another shot. Today is day 2.

I have an appointment with my addictions Dr. tomorrow, so I'm going to talk to her about going back on antabuse.

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Is Antabuse where if you consume alcohol you puke instantly?

I heard Wellbutrin is good for staying away from liquor. It helps some how, I think it was cutting down cravings I believe it was suppose to do. I could be wrong though.

Dang it! I meant to post yesterday when it was 456 days. I love numbers like that. Now it is 457; not quite as elegant a number...

greentires, yeah Antabuse is the med that makes you puke if you have even a tiny bit of alcohol. It's pretty drastic so I really need to be committed.

updownandaround, belated congratulations on your cool number day. That's great.

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I hope antabuse works for you splitimage, even though it sounds very unpleasant, sometimes we need to take radical measures.

I'm 5 days without MJ now. Well, last night I was scraping resin off the bottom of my mix bowl and muille, so that's kinda sad on my part but I didn't buy any, so I call it a win!

Congratulations greentires4me and UpDownAround!

1171 days today!

Awesome greentires. You're closing in on 2000.

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Had a good meeting with my addictions Dr. yesterday, even though I cried for the entire hour. She was really concerned about SU risk, as she said that's the saddest she's ever seen me, and wanted me to go to the emerg at my psych hospital. I refused, because I know what ward I'd likely wind up on and it would just make me a lot worse. But I did call my pdoc, and talked with him. He agreed hospital was not a good idea for me, but that I really needed rest, so he told me to take an extra dose of seroquel and try to sleep. I slept most of the day, and woke up feeling better.

My addictions Dr. is really pressuring me to go to SMART recovery meetings, so I'm probably going to try one, within the next week.


Today I'm going to go for acupuncture and a double recovery meeting. And I really need to pick up my other groups that I've been taking a break from. Clearly I've been isolating more than is healthy for me.

I've definitely decided to go back on Antabuse. I just need to find my bottle of pills - I know generally where they are, but I need to really find them.

Thanks for letting me ramble on, I'm probably going to be posting more in the next little while, as I sort out how I'm feeling.

Hope you all have a good and sober Thurs.

splitimage

I don't need to tell you this because you already know it, but trying a few things differently this time might work. I realize your addiction doc & group are invaluable assets & I'm sure your addictions doc knows you very well. Maybe adding a meeting or two might help you see things in a different light? I don't know. I'm no doctor.

Emgreen, Thanks. I know AA works for you, but it just isn't for me.
And I do feel like I gave it a solid try, I was really active in AA at one point, homegroup, sponsor, worked the steps, did service, was group secretary for a while, but it never felt like the right fit.

I'm going to put more effort into my WFS program, which I'd slacked off on, and also try SMART recovery.

splitimage

I've got to start over once again, why is it his so hard?! All I want is to be rid of these behaviors! And I need 30 days clean. yes I made a mistake and am paying for it, I'm in physical pain. How can I...... Overcome this problem. End vent.

Puzzclar - I really am not sure what makes one time so different than the other attempts but something just clicked in my current drug free alcohol free sobriety and this time I think I might have escaped. We'll see. Day 465.

I don't know why either, I also have 4 addictions and I'm trying to get rid of all. It's tough.