[Bluesguy]

Hey guys, I haven't been around here for a few weeks, but I'm back again, and with no improvement.

So, life is still incredibly stressful for me, and I always find myself waking up in the morning in a bad mood simply because it's a new day to deal with. That's how yesterday started.

I got a phone call from a girl who stopped talking to me for a month, and she acted like everything was normal, which freaked me out. Then I was really busy with all the usual %#@&#! and I didn't have any time to sit down and just chill until that night.

So, after a tough day, a few friends and I got a fifth of vodka and downed it in well under an hour. Then some of them went out to a club I think is lame, and the rest of us stayed back, drank some more, and then smoked. So last night I had maybe 40% of a fifth of vodka in a short time, and then I smoke a pack and a half afterwards.

Sounds like I'm just laying everything out in a list, but here's the rest. Somewhere around my fifth or sixth cigarette, still quite inebriated, I came to a realization. I was happy. I wasn't worrying about anything, I wasn't thinking about all the terrible things going on in my life. I was with my friends, just hanging out, laughing about things. I don't smile when I'm sober, I don't remember the last time I did. But when I cloud my mind with alcohol and tobacco and whatever else I find, that's when I'm happy.

I'm here this morning because I've woken up, and realized how much life sucks again. The only good thing right now is that I talked ot those friends this morning and we laughed about how awesome last night was.

What I don't understand is how to make my day right, my life right, everything right for real. Right now the times of life that I like are the times where I'm not really thinking about my actual life, I'm in a different dimension.

[salukigirl]

i cant say that i understand how you feel because im kind of scared of hard liqour. but i have grown up with an alcoholic who also smoked cigaretts, pot and did cocaine. I myself used to be a smoker. Its your mind playing tricks on you.

When you start to think about how much your life sucks and how much better it is when youre drunk you should create a list of all the bad things that happen when youre drunk. doesnt matter how little it is. it could be the fact that you pee every 5 minutes.

maybe put things into perspective. in the end it depends on would you rather learn to be happy sober or deal with all the health problems that come with being drunk all the time?

alcohol and cigarettes are smart drugs too. they have a way of making everything else seem 10 times worse because youre not drunk. its all a mindset and its easier to change than you think. i feel like whenever i feel like my depression is setting in again i have to literally force myself to be happy. i have to force myself to find good things and force myself to smile. but after that initial push, it puts other things into place. its kind of a domino effect.

the hardest part is staying off alcohol long enough to feel those effects. i noticed that once i quit smoking, my stress level went down, i was happier, more optimistic and the total opposite of how i felt before when i would go an hour without a cigarette. i think if you can not have a drink for a while and maybe even keep a diary of all the tiny good things that pop up it will send the rest of the domino effect into action. your brain wants you to think that life sucks so that youll want alcohol again.

[Bluesguy]

Your last paragraph is so true. It's not like you're the first person I've heard from that said quitting the drinking and smoking and stuff would eventually solve my problems. "Eventually," is the key word there. I've never successfully quit long enough to see it happen. I'll quit for awhile, still be hating life, and then go back to it and I feel like it's a great escape. Then bad things start happening and I'm thinking I need to quit, and I do for what I think is a lot of time, and nothing gets better, and I go back to it.

I've got issues past alcohol and smoking, that I use the two to combat. My profile thing says a lot about it, but I'll say it here in case you didn't go read that. I have a lot of superficial things going for me, I'm smart, and I'm good looking enough that modeling companies have recruited me before. But all that's done is make me socially awkward. I feel like being a smart guy, I've had to dumb myself down to a lot of people because I don't want to be an elitist and act like people of lesser intelligence aren't worth my time. They are worth my time for the other things they have. Yet it makes me feel socially awkward sometimes to have to hold back from telling someone they're wrong. Or back in school when people would be complaining about a difficult test, it was an awkward situation for me because I knew I had pulled off an A as usual. As for the looks, that makes it easy to attract the wrong type of girl and I've actually only had two nice, stable relationships. The rest have been one night stands. I have less trouble getting sex than most people i know, but getting love is the hardest thing ever.

Wow, I'm writing an essay for you guys, thanks so much for listening. As for my weaknesses, I'm a bit shy at first, and kind of paranoid. So the sum of my strengths and weaknesses is social awkwardness. I can go a lot of places acting fake, but I've forgotten how to just calm down and be myself. Alcohol, smoking, marijuana, those things keep me calmed down, and make me more approachable as well as making me see other people as more approachable.

So, I'm depressed, I'm paranoid, and I'm lost. A lot of deep thoughts are involved in those three situations. Deep, terrible thoughts I go through every day. But when I go out and get trashed, I can't think that deeply. I can't even explain with words how terrible I feel on a day to day basis, nor can I explain how great I felt last night.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm here this morning because I've woken up, and realized how much life sucks again. The only good thing right now is that I talked ot those friends this morning and we laughed about how awesome last night was.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

this is the illusion of alchohol and drugs. when we are drunk or high, things seem truly wonderful - but this is because we are drunk or high. in reality, the same things that bothered you before hand are still there and still will come back to bite you as soon as it wears off. Im glad that you can see this for yourself.

The thing that is not good about this though is that it is escapist in nature - which never lasts forever. Sure, it lasts while you are up, but no matter what, at some point, whether you drink yourself sober or smoke yourself to sleep or what have you, eventually you will come down, and i find usually when coming down you feel even poopier about the things that bothered you in the first place.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What I don't understand is how to make my day right, my life right, everything right for real. Right now the times of life that I like are the times where I'm not really thinking about my actual life, I'm in a different dimension.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

First, good for you for recognizing that feeling up while under the influence is not really real. Thats very important and is a great first step.

Do you have a therapist/are you in a recovery program/do you have any IRL supports? Coming here was a great way to get some information and advice. I reccomend therapy to everyone, because i think just having that solid other person to bounce thoughts off of is absolutely wonderful.

What if you made a list of things you enjoy, that don't include alchohol and drugs? for example, I enjoy escaping into books. some people like movies, walking, running, going to the gym, learning, teaching, helping others... i mean, it can be anything at all. Put it on the list no matter how simple or silly it seems. Sometimes I am happy just that I am breathing and remind myself that breathing and living is a heck of a lot better than the come downs I used to experience or the overdoses I have experienced.

you might want to try dropping by the gratitude list thread we started! post anything you are greatful for, no matter how simple or silly it seems.

Good luck my friend and one day at a time.