feeling reflective

It's about this time last year that I got fired from my last job as a direct result of my drinking (I was calling in sick all the time and finally showed up at work drunk). That sent me on the mother of all binges which landed me in the hospital on Christmas day - great way to spend the holiday. But it did get me into a treatment program, that was really good, at a hospital that's really close to where i live. It hasn't been an easy year, a few relapses, a couple of detoxes, psych hospitalization, and struggles trying to find a new job. But on the flip side, I'm sober today and that makes me proud, not necessarily happy but proud, I've learned a lot about dealing with my emotions and am better at asking for help from other people when I need it. I'm still struggling to accept that alcoholism will always be part of my life and that I'll never be able to drink again - because I miss the quick oblivion it gave me, I'm also struggling with accepting my depression, anxiety, and dissociation- I always thought I had them under control, but being hospitalized really shook my confidence, and made me realize that they're a bigger part of my life than i thought and that I'll probably always have to be dealing with them.

And my lack of confidence is definitely not helping with my job hunting abilities - my outplacement consultant says I need to do more networking. That scares the %#@&#! out of me, and makes me want to self injure or drink. I guess I should just give my self a break between now and New Years and focus on myself and my life and start job hunting with new vigour in January. I have to believe I'll find something good.

Sorry for going on so long, I just had a lot in my head that I had to get out.

--splitimage

Hey Split, I really feel for you. Its tough trying to find a job and deal with accepting your mental health struggles. Maybe taking a few days off and enjoying the holidays is a good idea. Hang in there!

Split I was reading your post this morning when a call came in and I totally forgot to come back and reply. I wanted to recommend pg 417 in the bigbook - acceptance was the answer. That really helps me.

I also wanted to say that one time I was on my sponsor's couch crying about my MS and saying "I know I need to accept it". My sponsor said "You're trying to put gratitude on top of a pile of bullsh*t". She reminded me that there was work to be done before I could accept, that I needed to work and inventory and move through 6 and 7 before I could start to accept.

Hang in there, and keep on writing when things are bothering you.


Rayna

Thanks depressme and rayna. I'll definitely look up the big book reference. It's funny - I saw my addictions doc this morning and we were talking about the past year & how hard it was for me to get sober in the first place & she kind of helped put in context for me, that I'm now at least sober and able to job hunt which I couldn't have done a year ago. So I guess I've made some progress.

--splitimage