Daily Check In #4

Feeling better now. Family issues are resolved. I was overreacting. Also when the weed wears off, I feel more emotional.

I would only do meth to have a comedown to do MDMA so it's more sedating and less anxiety.

I'll do MDMA therapy when it's legal.

What about enrolling in university and taking something you may have hidden passion for?

Had stupidly strong cravings yesterday, but didn't give in. First time in a long time that's happened.

I've been sober from alcohol for years, now. That was my drug of choice. The crap keeps popping up in my brain. To just start again because life is a huge mess, anyways. When I write down this craving here, in words...I see how idiotic the reason to drink sounds. If I picked up again, it would be strong booze. See, why do I keep doing this....I need to protect my sobriety.

Hang in shovelhead. I get urges out of the blue to drink too, and know it would be stupid. Keep posting if you get an urge, I find it helps.

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Yeah I might do that. I'm just so unmotivated lately.

I want to build my understanding of the world with life experience.

But imma not buy drugs. I've decided not to - My mom is actually being responsible right now and mentally stable so I don't feel the need to escape.

You seem to have good insight. Hang in there.

Another day sober, thanks to the support of many people including you all. Thank you for my sobriety! I'm sorry you are struggling Shovelhead, I made it through a rough patch like that. I meditated, went to 90 meetings in 90 days, and sought support and it was okay. It's scary going through it though.

Yesterday I passed the 50 day clean mark! Today's been one of the worst recently with urges (though nowhere near as bad as those first couple weeks). I'll get through

Congratulations on hitting 50 days. That's big. Keep it up - you can do this.

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I get to day two sober and then I drink again. Ugh.

I do not think I’d survive if I got taken off my Xanax. I think the withdrawals would be so bad that I’d just waste away and stop eating and stop sleeping and everything. It’s so bad I plan on sticking with my current Pdoc when I move 3 hours away just because he gives it to me with no questions asked. And increases it without me asking him to.

I have three different addictions: alcohol, technology, and some sort of eating problem. Sobriety from alcohol is going well now since it's been years, but I don't want to get complacent. My technology addiction is the most severe, I'm here so I don't really know, I looked at video games today in the apps store on my Mac, so It could be better. My eating problem is getting better, but I had a forbidden food at a restaurant.

Don't be discouraged little earthquakes, I kept relapsing until one day someone said something to me that hit a cord and I got sober. You just have to go to enough support groups to see past the relapse and see why you are relapsing.

About once a week, there's a day where I take an extra 30mg of Vyvanse (For a total of 90mg during that day).

How much of a problem is this? I only do it when I am to take a larger phenibut dose (I'm trying to quit phenibut but it's hard). I'll have to tell my doctor about this slight abuse.

I only like both together - Phenibut (Mood) and Vyvanse (Focus).

I'm in a lot of mental pain and I would be able to tolerate the pain if people weren't so worried about me due to my mental illness. I become suicidal and such.

So when I get the Invega Trinza injection tomorrow, it will be easier to taper off of the phenibut.

I've been taking small amounts of psilocybin mushrooms and ordered kratom to take because no one listens to me - Really.. I have negative symptoms of schizophrenia and they love giving me antipsychotics - Which can cause brain damage.

I'm just doing what I have to do. My mom still drinks a bottle of wine every evening - My sister is going to leave. There's so much uncertainty in the world. I can't relax. I'm not taking benzos as much as I used to.

I get scared of myself when I'm unstable. I never get manic and never have been - Just apathetic agitated depression. I thought about buying MDMA because it helped me last time.

My mom takes a lot of vitamins so I thought that it would be ok and since I take meds, the rules of quitting everything completely doesn't seem logical. I also have been reading books and listening to podcasts about the drug war and addiction - And I have conflicting thoughts. No one has empathy for anyone it seems. People are so judgmental, dismissive, in denial, takes things out of context, doesn't know what is real.

Where is the love. I have no love in this world and never really did.

If the kratom gives me depersonalization/derealzation, I'm going to make a resolution to quit drugs for 2-5 years (So I have a goal instead of forever yknow?).

Cuz it's like any drug that I do, I get bad reactions to them. Psychedelics, stimulants, opiates, dissociatives, gabaminergics, entactogens, weed, etc...

I think it should be legal for any adult to do what ever drug they want - But also that anyone should be ok to quit drugs completely and that's ok too and should be respected..

I'll speak to you as an alcoholic, for me if I drink it's jails, institutions or death. If I don't drink I have friends, online and offline. I take all the prescribed drugs I'm supposed to take, because that's what is good for me and it makes me feel balanced. Alcohol is an expensive and terrible psych med. I lost control and I'm powerless over alcohol.

January 2nd, 2021 I began year 5 of no alcohol, none. And I lived & breathed for the stuff, daily. The garbage keeps calling out to me lately. I'm too bored & unhappy. I need to protect my sobriety..

Congratulations on your 5 years, that's fantastic. I can totally get being triggered by boredom. I know when I'm bored I want to drink. But we both know that's not a solution. Is there anything that you do, like hobbies, of things you want to learn? There are a ton of on-line courses, many of them free or relatively low cost. There are also on-line sobriety support meetings. I know AA and SMART recovery are both running on-line meetings.


Don't give up, nothing is worth going back to drinking.

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I used twice this week. I really need to not do that so they know if the lithium's working for thismanic episode.

The kratom didn't do much so I took none today. I'm slightly withdrawing from phenibut (300mg cold turkey which is absolutely nothing). I might not take any tonight because low doses are what I was taking when I had DP/DR last summer before I quit for two months.

So far I've been taking my meds as prescribed and occupying my mind with investing/cryptocurrencies/podcasts/meditation/reading stuff like that.

My last cigarette was still on August 6th 2019 and last time I drank any alcohol was last year.

I keep a spreadsheet of everything that I take because I'm obsessive and can't keep track of everything. So far it's working. No benzodiazepine in a whole week =]

An admission...I have over 10 years of sobriety from alcohol, but relapsed briefly on marijuana edibles for a few weeks. They legalized marijuana for recreational use last year & I got curious. I found myself getting high from morning until night within days. It became like a treadmill...I couldn't maintain a high that was satisfying & my mental health began to suffer.

With alcohol, the old "one's too many and a hundred ain't enough" knowledge is burned into my brain. I still attend AA (on Zoom these days), and remember the blackouts & everything I "gave away" due to my drinking. The thought of a drink doesn't appeal to me at all, but marijuana (after all these years) sounded innocent enough. It took that weed relapse to remind me that addiction is addiction. Although my relapse only lasted a few weeks, that brief encounter reminded me of what slavery to substances feels like. I was planning my days around getting high. I beat myself up for quite a while after that relapse, but now try to use it as a tool to remember what things were like when I was abusing multiple substances years ago. In AA's Big Book, the Promises say that one "will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it." My reminder was valuable.

Congratulations on your sobriety from alcohol.

I'm sorry you had the relapse on marijuana I can totally see how it would happen, especially with it being legalized. Glad you were able to limit it to a couple of weeks.

My addictions Dr. says every relapse is a learning experience. Sounds like you learned a lot from your experimentation,


I'm sober just over 2 years from alcohol, and have been tempted on occasion to try pot. Your post helped me remember why it would be a bad idea, so thank you.

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I have cut down my drinking a lot compared to how I used to be, but I'm still drinking one or two a day.

Good job Little Earthquakes, you have made a lot of progress!

Keep up the good work!