Daily Check In #4

I keep saying "it's the last time" but it never is...
At this point I don't even want to try because I'm sick of failing.

I know it seems weird for me to say this but.. I was prescribed Dexedrine - I have other controlled meds and I haven't abused them.. But I'm craving..

Craving something else.. I don't know what..

I ran out of Ashwagandha. It's not supposed to be addictive but I crave it.. For stress..

I suppose I'm addicted to a placebo idk

Better than how I used to be..

My addictions Dr. finally called me, after unexpectedly taking a month off, I have no reason why. So I've booked an appointment with her in a couple of weeks. And she's planning on starting zoom meetings for some of her clients. Depending on when they are, I may try to get onto one.

I'm really glad that she's back at work.

splitimage

NOTHING is working to get me through this craving. going on a walk, screaming, drawing, reading, playing with my cat, listening to music/singing/playing piano, I know it's all passing the time while this ****er passes, but I wish something would MAKE THIS FEELING GO AWAY FOR ****S SAKE. Why did I do this to myself?

Took a Vyvanse with the Dexedrine. Was curious.

I say to myself, "Don't screw this up and take your meds as prescribed.."

I want to get ****ed up but I have to keep myself stable.

I feel that. Stay strong

I feel like I have a very subtle addiction to alcohol. I have not had a drink in a long time though. Probably two months or more.

One full week completely sober!

@Sapien
Congratulations, that's awesome. Keep it up, one day at a time.

I feel quite terrible - That's it. That's all I can explain it as.

My old psychologist/psych nurse was really good with me and my drug use. He said "You can't just keep taking things because you don't like the way you feel".

And years later it's the same thing. So I'm gonna try and only take my meds and ashwagandha for a month - No abuse of my meds, taking other drugs, etc..

Thought about buying desmethyltramadol and clonazolam pills but I'll focus on reading books instead - Especially if my doctor is going to give a 10mg Dexedrine IR in the evening.. Then I can focus on reading and podcasts..

I haven't been using drugs so far - Just taking ashwagandha to lower stress.

In IOP today, the T wanted us to do something today to lower our vulnerability factors and I said I wouldn't use substances today. I've been using marijuana for anxiety and pain. And right now, I am so anxious, I am crawling out of my skin, and really, really just want to go outside and smoke. I'm still trying to not do it, because I said in group that I wouldn't. But I want to so bad right now.

I will.be 2,000 days sober January 1st.

childofchaos, How did it go? Were you able to abstain from pot for the rest of the day? If so good job And if not, you can always try again.

Greentires4me - that will be an awesome milestone to reach.

I'm doing ok, no real desires to drink.

My mom asked me why I did all of those drugs and I want to say "Cuz I'm not like you mom you seem like you're on MDMA/Molly all the time!!!!"

How can I compete with her constant ecstasy??

lol <3

Is she actually on those or is she taking medications that make her seem that way? Or just a high energy person?

My life been up the creek without a paddle i been in psychosis i just came out of one a week ago. And i cannot get away from anyone who just wants dispensary marijuana off of me. Why cannot they leave me alone. I was in the hospital police escort 3 days in a row. 3rd time was like a miserable joke the police(rcmp) officers one was training the new guy and other was the trainer. The trainee cynched up the cuffs so tight i couldnt feel my wrist. I waited a century for this mystery doctor i spoke with this psych nurse. Then the ER doc never came again a mystery doctor.

Building management asked us what we wanted for christmas of anything $50 & to make them a list. I dont know what i obviously want i dont want stuff from them that why i cannot buy for myself. I havent given it a thought.

I havent thought of alcohol but i often think about the mess i made with all the health issues i have now.

What have you done with that money you have saved from not touching your drug of choice?

I want to trip again. I might in 5-10 years.

I'm a mess. I would snort ketamine or take psilocybin microdose capsules if I knew that they wouldn't give me dissociation.

I took a few extra dextoamphetamine capsules to stay up and listen to music. Stimulants help with my dissociation.

I realize that a moderate dose makes me less productive than the average person but better than nothing - And a high dose makes me feel too good so I get absolutely nothing done.

I'm holding onto sanity. I can't even write anymore. I have zero motivation, zero creativity - That's why I want to trip. But I have schizophrenia and DP/DR.

I was craving a-PVP (Flakka - A bath salt that I tried 4 years ago) so I started looking at vendors - Wanting to buy cocaine as well.

I'm starting to think badly of myself. I feel like the whole world has went insane.

No she's just normal like that.

My mom flushed my ketamine and psilocybin. The ketamine was giving me psychosis. The olanzepine kicked in so I feel better.

So I'll start a new day tomorrow drug free.

10 years ago I would look at addicts and ask “why can’t you just stop?” and now I look at myself and ask the same question. Two weeks sober tomorrow, but the urges are strong. I need to get a job. I need to get my adhd treated. Other stuff too.

I'm feeling pretty stable in my sobriety again, except for my internet use is out of control and I keep buying things and my boyfriend took notice before we went under a stay at home order. I've been trying to cut down on my internet use, now I feel tired. I'm awake for a couple hours of the day and a couple hours of the night, but that's it. I see a medical doctor on the 3rd. My sobriety date from alcohol is 4/19/2014. I've never been here before so I'll give you a history. I know you might not believe in technology addiction and I've been laughed at by "real" addicts before, it's not an official diagnosis, but it causes me problems and I get help for it. I cycle between alcohol and technology throughout my life. I started with playing video games when I was a little girl. It made it so I didn't get homework done and I would lie to teachers about it. If it wasn't video games it was cartoons, my brother told the time by what cartoons I was watching. Soon I moved to the internet, then my boyfriend, he introduced me to alcohol. I didn't drink too much right away, it was still about video games. I got drunk senior year. Then college came around and I got drunk sometimes, but there was someone to watch play video games and talk with. My grades still suffered from this technology addiction. Then I outgrew video games and found the internet. I found out my friend died the same week my grandfather passed away, it was Thanksgiving. My internet had just been hooked up and I stayed inside for hours on the internet and if my boyfriend bothered me, my answer was "WHAT?!" in a nasty tone "I'll get off when I'm ready" but then an hour would pass maybe two and it turned out he had hyper thyroid and he was hungry and needed to eat very badly maybe he even needed medical care. (let's just say I get very irritated when people bothered me on the computer). A year or more passed and I went through all of my trust fund, so I had to get a job. I picked a bar to work at because I was majoring in art and I didn't know where else to go. They offered shift drinks, but the bartenders would sneak drinks past the managers. That wasn't too much, but I found another job where they poured them stiff and I went out after the shift to party. I don't even remember how much I drank but I would frequently black out or pass out on the same person's couch. Sometimes my warm up was a single shot of of alcohol neat, sometimes it was two pint glasses full of hard alcohol with ice (back then I was 24 and 170 lbs, just starting to drink). If I remember right I was trying to prove I was cool or tough, because I had been bullied when I was younger. But people caught on anyway, now I was uncool and a mean drunk. I wanted out. From that point I wanted out, but I felt trapped. Until I had my psychotic break in 2008. Everybody at the hospital said I could continue drinking, but my friends at the bar I worked at said it was time to quit. I tried, it worked for a while. I had mini relapses where I would drink one drink on night, two the next night, then get drunk or something like that. Until finally on 4/19/2014 I had one glass of wine at Passover and just didn't feel interested for 9 months. My mom congratulated me on my sobriety and I decided that felt good so I have been keep track ever since.

My other issues aren't doing great, but I'm sober for another night, I talked to other alcoholics, and I'm taking care of myself.