Daily Check In #4

No drug is enough

It takes time to stay clean. Don’t give up. Your doing amazing.

I'm slightly addicted to mixing methylphenidate, alcohol and sometimes low doses of diazepam. It makes me feel like my real self.

I'm prescribed Vyvanse, Dexedrine and clonazepam.. But those are just medications to me. They're not recreational. I really need them (If I were to not have them - For severe ADHD, no one understands that until the stimulant is discontinued at high dose and then given back. It's like psychiatrist abuse to me). I have schizophrenia (Hence the Invega) and DPDR (The olanzepine).

I stopped microdosing psilocybin/LSD smoking weed and using ketamine. My psychiatrist replaced phenibut with pregabalin and that lifts my baseline mood, makes me not apathetic with ups and downs (That have been happening the past 3 years - It was so exhausting).

I bought cocaine and meth this summer (A friend influenced me in a bad way) - I flushed them because they are too cardio/neurotoxic. I tried 3-fluorophenmetrazine and flushed that too. My cognition was failing.

I'm focusing on more healthier things, learning, meditation, still experimentation of things that will work, drinking lots of water.. I get enough sleep, I exercise moderately, good nutrition/eating, fasting, spirituality, reading, podcasts, music (Euphoria and contemplation), self awareness, introspection, conceptualization, trying to be my own friend (Because I'm so lonely - So I want to connect with family more), being less negative/sad/irritable, love myself... and to live with a purpose.. passion, etc.. Benefit society... Having conversations with people, living in the moment, being mindful...

Any criticisms are welcome. I'm grateful for everything in my life. I just have problems.

Just curious, have you disclosed any of your recreational drug use to your psychiatrist? It's impossible for them to help you if they don't know everything that's going on (to an extent). I'm trying not to assume; maybe you have disclosed all of this to your psychiatrist. Either way, it might be helpful.

Just becareful. Drinking alcohol with prescription medication is never good.

I always tell my treatment team. But for now, it's ok. I'll go to sleep - I see psychiatrist soon and I'll update him.

Psychonautics - Wikipedia

Thank you for the link. :thanks: :thanks:

Congratulations. Hope Eve works out.

On a week-long streak free from my addiction. Good stuff.

Good going WastingAsparagus. Keep it up.

Sounds like your doing amazing

I been trying to keep myself busy and listening to self help video and mediation to help fight my depression and anxiety.

I quit all drugs for 2 days.. Cuz I wanted to give my meds a try. I was drinking alcohol - I thought, "This is okay right? No harm.." but tolerance has been increasing and I'm drinking way too much.

My mom took the alcohol away... It's for the best. She asked if I needed to go to the hospital (Cuz I was -and still kind of am- very unstable and dysphoric). She got mad at me too and we argued.

Christ guys.. I just need love - That is all. I love myself.. But I'm so isolated and lonely. My parents + My moms ex have raised me, all being alcoholics. So being neglected so bad in the past (And then realizing that years later), it doesn't give anyone a good feeling.

((((((((Desoxyn))))))))

I’m sorry that your struggling.

Grounded a little bit by working tomorrow - So I have a reason to go to bed. Cuz I procrastinate going to sleep, and find it hard to wake up.

I was really dissociated, looking at the news and thought, "Oh *... "

The friend I talk to.. with autism, is manic.. and it tires me. There's so many thoughts that I have, like I used to be really manic.. But I've changed.. At least, I don't know what way I'm supposed to be like..

Kindness, understanding, positive human emotions.. Sure, all of those things are pure - Like a family member of mine said, "People keep having to learn their lessons in life, until they finally get it" (Like with his kids, doing meth and such - They're sober now..)..

It's a real mind *... The absurdity... I chose hedonism.. and that's still what that friend is like (Except the strangest part, manages to do things when I didn't). All I did was bask in the euphoria and then crash, having unimaginable despair.

But all of this was the way I healed from so many things, after the experience I had.. I was traumatized still.. I gave up, isolation, neglect. I mention this stuff too much.. But with "Self" and "other", I see no difference (Like an infant, experienced meditator, or schizophrenia).

I used to just hand everything over.. to the hospital. I was naive. My mom should have sued them for the stuff that happened.

- Patients taking my money, buying me crack to smoke with them? Trying to manipulate me, take advantage of my fragile mental state etc, for sexual reasons too?

And my childhood friend deleted me cuz I mentioned the specific drug.. But I was only 18 - What did I know.. With the Abilify and 80mg of Prozac too, causing severe impulsivity..

And it just continues.. I learned so much though. A blessing and a curse (If you stretch the spectrum of those are as wide as my whole life/soul). And I will try to succeed in my own way.. The pain was beneficial.. I was although, given mercy - way too late, most of the time.

I'm going to watch a documentary with my mom tomorrow (About "synthetics"), has recordings of Alexander/Ann Shulgin and Hamilton Morris etc... Looks really good.

Whatever way my life goes - And I want to explain something first: I didn't accept my life.. I was so idealistic that I lost touch with everything else.. But now that has changed, it's 50%.. I'm trying to be more in tune with my own life.. When I look back at high school (For example), all of those "friends" (I isolated myself from them), they must judge me for that.. But it's okay..

My mind burns and sparks like a plane crash landing withouts wheels.. It won't stop - And I don't want it to stop. When it gets too much? I beg for mercy for such a long time... I give in.. I know that love etc is behind it all.. And anyone that doesn't want to understand, I want to shut them out..

..But that's just not true.. I'm really tolerant of most people.. Until the video chat person, talking to me for 10 minutes. It was the most damaging 10 minutes of my life (Cuz of the DPDR/panic) + The soldiers that I talked to for 3-4 hours. I've always been okay, being friends with sociopaths and such.. I learn from people..

What is there to just give up, and be uncertain about what I don't even know of what I can't let go.

First time checking on this thread. It's been a while since I've been on PC. Well now they call it something else, My Support Forums I guess. I am almost 2 years clean and sober from drugs and alcohol, I don't even smoke cigarettes. I have a lot of anxiety because I am trying to move out of the rehab I am in and they have to vote that I leave or not. I just want to put the past two years of jails and institutions behind me for good.

@LadyShadow Congratulations on almost 2 years without those substances!!

Hey Fam. New member here making my first post. I’m a recovering heroin addict. March 28th was 18 years clean for me. From homeless to home owner. Although I no longer deal with the compulsion to use and when it crosses my mind I’ve been around long enough to know using will make everything worse regardless of what I’m going through. Although it’s amazing how this disease will manifest itself in so many ways, ways I would have never imagined. That being said I may be clean but I struggle with addiction often. I hope to meet some like minded people. My love goes out to everyone in the struggle, and if I can help even as a sounding board please feel free to send me a message.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Talking has help me

Today is 4.5 years sober Very happy about that.

congratulations

I'm about 4.5 months sober this time around and just have not wanted to drink since my last disastrous binging episode. But I must remain vigilant and proactive. The drinking bug always becomes a reality if things slip too far downhill mentally/emotionally.

QUOTE=mote.of.soul;7337628]I'm about 4.5 months sober this time around and just have not wanted to drink since my last disastrous binging episode. But I must remain vigilant and proactive. The drinking bug always becomes a reality if things slip too far downhill mentally/emotionally.[/QUOTE]

congratulations