[lattelover06]

Hi everyone.
This is my first post here. The reason I am posting is because my 21 year old brother is addicted to heroin. He relapsed in July.. after he had gotten out of rehab. It appears he's relapsed again.. and I just dont know what I can do or say that would be beneficial to him. My dad kicked him out of his house. So he is living with a friend, whom I have found out was/or is a user.
Anyways, I just dont know what .. if at all I can do. I know that he has to hit rock bottom and he has to be the one to want to stay clean.. but all that is easier said than done to deal with.
Any encouragement or helpful advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

[splitimage]

Unfortunately, it is up to your brother to want to be clean and stay clean. You can support him in those efforts by being there to talk with him, when he's not high, or offering to come get him and spend time with him when he needs a fix. You can encourage him to join NA. What I would strongly suggest is that you in no way enable him. Don't lend him money, if you know it's going to be used for drugs. Dealing with addicts is hard, you need to remember to look after yourself too, in this stressful situation.

--splitimage

[lattelover06]

thank you for your help!

[tonyebaker]

I have a story that I want to tell here but for me it is 7:00AM EST and I have to go to work in a few minutes. I will get back on here early this evening. I do think it is a "God given" story of importance to "US". I hope you can hang on twelve more hours and tune back in this evening. Tony

[tonyebaker]

I have been excited to get back home and post to this comment all day. As I stated about 13 hours ago, I have a story to tell regarding this subject. I talk and type to much so I am going to skip all the info I have put else where on this site to try and help me be some briefer.

I have one sibling. A younger brother by almost 2 years, 20 months to be exact. My brothers name is Terry. Terry was born Aug 28th 1956 and he was born into some very serious health problems right away. Terry was an RH factor baby and his blood had to be exchanged right away.

This began a life of severe cardiovascular health issues for Terry. He had to have many operations during his young life re-routing blood vessels.

Terry and I began drinking about the same time although we did not begin drinking together nor were we ever drinking buddies. I suppose I always had some sort of chip because we grew up on a farm and I always had to work hard and Terry being sick, never had to do anything. Our father died when I was 8 and Terry was 6.

Right away I knew that Terry was an alcoholic. He was everything I thought an alcoholic was and would be. With his first drink, Terry began causing all types of trouble which spread to the family and law. Terry was finally kicked out of school, wrecked many dozens of vehicles, his license was not suspended but REVOKED. I know that I got Terry out of jail myself 20 times by the time he was 20. Soon Terry began the cycle of getting kicked out of the house and he would simply find another member to live with, a grandmother for 3 months, then an aunt for 3 months and he learned to go through a circle only to sooner or later begin it all again.

This was primarily in the 70's and I remember someone coming up with a really cute buzz word called "Tough Love". I embraced that phrase and convinced myself that I loved my brother so much that I would "Tough Love" him. I began to withdraw from my brother convinced that he was a hopeless alcoholic and of course, that I was far above that kind of life. My brother never really worked. I went to college, had a great job, a house, a wife, children...... A life.

As all the many years passed, nothing ever really changed. I thought I knew everything about alcohol and alcoholism but the truth is, I knew absolutely nothing.

June of 1995 at 10:00AM on a beautiful sunshiney Saturday I got a phone call that told me my brother was dead and that I needed to travel to another town and go to the morgue and ID him. My brother had bought an 18 pack of Bud Light the night before, went to a party in another town, passed out on a couch and later that night, vomited and strangled in his sleep. It is called afixiation.

I knew this was such a big event that the news papers would write about my brothers untimely death. I later learned that town coroners pick these up every day and to put it blunt, I learned that no one seems to care much about a dead alcoholic.

I had to bury my brother. He had 97 cents in his pocket when he died. I remember being terribly angry at him when I stood next to this grave. Why couldn't he just have been like me! Work during the day and drink at night.... responsibly....

(I am going to finish this in another post since it is getting long).

[tonyebaker]

Continued by Tony.

(I apologize for splitting this over two posts).

Four years later, in 1999 alcohol "turned" on me. I went through two very hard and difficult years. Through these hard years, I learned how sick my brother was. I learned how to forgive him. I learned how to love him....... Once again.

Now why have I told this very long story? Yep..... I heard it all, everyone says that YOU CANT HELP AN ALCOHOLIC, YOU CANT GIVE THEM MONEY, YADDA, YADDA.........

As for me people, when their dead you can't hug them!

So what could I have done? I have made it a point to learn through this process. I ask myself daily about all this, still. When my brother died, he had bought an 18 pack of beer. The last 6 months I drank, I drank 3 cases of beer a day and a bottle of jack daniels. And yes, that will kill you but the point is..... Why did he die and not me?

I could have done a lot more than I did. Yes..... Maybe he was living under that bridge but I could have gone and picked him up after work every day and carried him to an AA meeting where he could be dry, warm, get some coffee, perhaps donuts or cookies but more importantly, somewhere that he had the chance and the opportunity to hear the words that would have been the inspiration from another alcoholic that he so badly needed to hear. I could have hugged him, I could have told him that I loved him. Then I could have carried him back to that damn bridge and told him that I would be back tomorrow.

I have no idea if that is the answer or not but I know that withdrawing our love (which is what they sense and feel) is WRONG. My brother died thinking that I disapproved of him, that I didn't like him, that I didn't love him.

Today I know that he is the most important person that I have ever had in my life.

Sorry for the long post but I am hoping it was worth it.
Tony

[DePressMe]

Hi lattelover06, you are in a tough spot. Loving an addict is never easy--especially when we are actively using. One of the most important things for you to remember is that you are not responsible for his illness and you are also not responsible for his recovery. You can try to be there for him and show him your love...let him know you care and, if he wants, you would be willing to help him get clean. Don't enable him, but if he knows you are supportive of him, he might reach out to you for help. Unfortunately, us addicts sometimes have to try to get clean numerous times before we are able to succeed...I quit too many times to count and did rehab 4 times. So patience is important...

[dorsey555]

Hi lattelover06,
I went through very similair situation with my brother. I eventually told him that I loved him but I had to let go and start taking care of myself. Have you thought about naranon or coda? Both groups help you to learn how to let go with love and to take care of yourself. I'll say a prayer for your brother. I wish you the best.
Dorsey