forward i go

being a chaos junky with low self-esteem as been a continuous puzzle to navigate and put pieces together to stray away from the pattern. things go good and i have to screw it up.

there have been significant improvements, but so much more work to do.

sometimes i forget there's more work to do and then i hear myself talk. i struggle to reconcile my past and all of the trauma it entails. done to me, and my own doing to myself and others.

for a time, i saw myself as damned. i truly mean that. no higher power could ever love me or want me.

sometimes i wonder if i can ever serve enough penance to be worth serenity, and in that way i am my own block. it's up to me to decide that, so i need to forgive my own self. i'm struggling to do that.

and forward i go.

Think Progress not Perfection.

I can relate to being a chaos junkie and self sabotaging when things start to go well. That was me for a long time. Thing is, we can unlearn that pattern.

Something that helped me accept my past and learn to like myself was compassion focused therapy. If you google self-compassion on Amazon there are some good books on the subject. I recommend The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion.

thank you my friend. you're right, progress not perfection.

i'll look into more of that. i appreciate it.

Hello my friend. Been thinking about you and the old group. I'm sorry for the struggles you were having back in June, just know that someone out there in the universe cares for you and thinks about you and hopes you're doing well.